The regrets of being depressed

Self Harm/cutting

I think i was 11 when it started, the cutting i mean. People had been bullying me and i just wanted something to get all my emotions out. I remember the first time vividly. I had come home, my dad still at work. I had ran up to my room slamming the door and throwing my bag on my bed. I curled up on the floor clawing my face until i made marks. Some stupid asshole (sorry for swearing) had called me a fat fag who should kill himself. I just needed some release. I had always heard of self harm, mostly from my therapist who would say "everything is confidential in here unless you want to hurt yourself or someone else." i got one of my pencil sharpeners and my dads screwdriver. I had ran back up to my room (i found the screwdriver in the garage) and sat on the floor. I unscrewed the blade from the sharpener and took it in my hand. I had rolled up my sleeve pressing the blade to my skin but not enough to break through. I realized that it was summer and people would notice scabs and then scars on my arms. I took of my ripped jeans and pulled up my boxers, this time when i placed the blade against my skin i moved swiftly and cut through the skin. I watched the wound bleed, feeling the sting of the wound, thinking i deserved this pain. I continued cutting down my leg until i reached my ankle, my leg a bloody mess and i realized then that i had cut to much. I ran to the bathroom so it wouldn't get onto my carpet. I turned the shower on but realized they're was no way i could take my boxers off without staining them at least a little with blood. Finally i just took my shirt off and jumped in the shower with my boxers on. The hot water stung at first but began to soothe my wounds. After only a few seconds all the blood was gone and the cuts had stopped bleeding. When i got out i took off my boxers (ironically taking them off AFTER the shower) and wrapped a red towel around my waste walking out. After drying off the wounds quickly shut and i went on with my day only me knowing about the scabs covering my legs. I still cut to this day, it calms me down, it doesn't make me happy but it takes my mind off the emotional pain. You may say "well now you have physical pain" but physical pain goes away and the cutting stops the emotional pain so i don't have to feel, emotional pain stays forever but physical pain only lasts a little while.