Antecedents : End

Taurus

I want to die.

This phrase always etches my mind at the start of every day, never leaving, acting as an immortal thought fabricated inside my consciousness. Although, I understand why it was made that way.

It was because I was like this.

Everyday always feel like I really don't belong anywhere and I become so lost even the only place I call home suffocates me even more and drives me to the point where I eventually longed to have physical pain instead of these uncontrollable dreadful feelings.

So finally, one day, I tried to harm myself. I grabbed a kitchen knife, holed up in my cramped room and started ripping away at the flesh of my arm. I thought to myself as I blindly hacked away, its fine if I die from this right? Its fine if I die right? Its fine to leave right?

The idea that I would finally be free from the clutches of life enticed me even more, so I forgot about trying to feel the pain externally. I want to die.

But I can't.

Stabbing or cutting myself, hanging, overdose of drugs, shooting myself at the head in point blank, starvation, jumping from five, ten, even twenty story tall buildings, these are the deaths I tried so hard to perform, to escape from this painful reality we call life, but I can't.

I can't die.

Blades of sharpened and polished knives grazed away at my body and it never left a mark nor opened a wound. The rope in which the noose I wore snapped in two, faster than it could tighten its grip on my neck. The gun I pointed and shot at my left temple exploded into pieces as the bullet ricocheted from my skull back into the weapon. All these suicide attempts and I never died nor felt the pain of dying even once.

As a last resort, I thought jumping off from a high place and letting gravity do the work for me would at least bring me physical pain, but as I jumped over the barricade, feeling the cold air blast on my face and body, I survived.

I thought that the rock-hard concrete will reward me pain and hopefully, my end, but what happened was the other way around. The impact of my immortal body with the concrete destroyed a portion of it, leaving a crater in its place as if a meteorite fell from outer space.

As if this everlasting depression wasn't enough already, this perfectly undamaged body of mine constantly torments my pathetic attempts to perish leaving more strain in my fragile mind. I could feel it placing me further and further away from the only exit I have from this place I didn't once volunteer to be in.

While I stealthily crept my way out from the place I crashed onto, something wet pecked my cheeks and I looked up. Gloomy rain clouds loomed overhead, suggesting a storm brewing and at that moment, almost simultaneous with the roaring of thunder, I had an idea.

I dashed immediately towards home, the pouring of harsh rain intercepted me, so I ran even faster for this may be my only chance.

My only chance to die.

As I reached home, I grabbed everything I could that resembles metal, especially the antenna rod attached to our old-fashioned television, and head out back to the top of the building from which I dropped from.

I reached out to the sky with the metal rod in hand, dropping everything else I brought and shouted to the sky, "Please! Please take me out of my misery."

For a brief moment, I felt something different with my everyday routine. Harsh winds pass me by and rain poured heavily, but at this exact moment, at this exact place, I felt hope.

My feelings of hopefulness grew even more as I saw at a distance, flashes of light heading towards my way. I braced myself as I looked directly above me, it was beautiful, it was like heaven was calling out to me. The radiance of the light harshly kissed my eyes as it illuminated my surroundings and before I knew it, all that's left of my vision is the color white.

Nothing could explain how I was feeling at this moment. Oh how I longed for pain, and finally, for the first time, I tasted it.

I cried. Not because of the slightly searing pain I felt coursing through every nerve in my body, but because I finally found something I can live for, something I could be fine with.

Never have I felt so alive, trying my best to die.

Finally, the thought which haunts me every single day, pestering me without fail, had completely renewed its existence. Now, I can say wholeheartedly, with hope and meaning, not as an escape, but as a gateway towards what I could someday called my only place and happiness.

I want to die.