Past doesn't matter (Levi x OC x Erwin) AU/modern +18

Chapter 36: The price to pay Pt. 1

When I think back how much Nina wept ... how she was sitting in my lap and the tears just didn't stop flowing, and knowing that I couldn't help her broke my heart.

I can't stand to see my Nina cry. I want her to laugh and see her happy, I want to see that contagious smile every day that makes me forget my own worries and my own depraved personality.

I was still hoping Erwin had lied to my face to drive a wedge between me and Nina so he could easily take her away from me, but I wouldn't do him this favor! I won't grant him this victory!

Erwin has no idea of true love. He had dragged home a new female toy every week, or even every day, and turned night into day with her. Damn, it was so annoying. The blonde cocksucker couldn't keep his wiener in his pants, even if his life depended on it!

I felt my anger flaring up again, but this time I wanted to control myself.

When I think of Nina 's scared face when I yelled at her, that was enough to calm me down.

I knew she hated being shouted at, that she couldn't handle it and her emotional nature quickly brought her to the brink of tears, and yet I used that mental weakness to silence her.

What a great boyfriend I am...

While my thoughts were still overflowing, one theory rolling over the next while one guess was chasing the next, I finally got back to where it all started. Every window on the building was dark, all the people who lived in the associated apartments were deeply asleep, but only one window, the one on the top floor, emitted weak, cold light, flickering.

Nina was still awake. It didn't surprise me. After everything that had happened tonight, I knew that it would be impossible for her to find sleep, but now that I'm so close to finally know the whole truth, I hesitated.

When I reached out to ring the bell, my hand trembled. If I go in, there is no going back.

I was afraid.

Afraid of what would happen if I looked into her eyes, afraid of what awaits me up there, but what I was most afraid of was when she told me exactly what I had heard from Erwin.

Would I go crazy again? Would I be able to keep myself under control or would I even hurt Nina?

I didn't want all of this, didn't want to go up there, didn't want to hear whatever she had to tell me, but I knew I couldn't run away. It would haunt me until I can't go on anymore.

With a few deep breaths, I cleaned my lungs and thoughts before I rang the bell to Nina 's apartment with my hand still shaking. Three short pushes, our secret sign, so that she knew it was me.

In less than two seconds the door buzzed and I entered the dark staircase, step by step, feet as heavy as lead.

With every step, I had the oppressive feeling to move further and further away from Nina, as if she would become a stranger to me.

I was freezing cold, I trembled, froze to the core, my heart was racing, I could hardly breathe and panted quickly like a deer in a trap and I actually didn't want to be here anymore.

Was that ... panic?

It's been years since I last panicked, the last time on the battlefield just before ...

Just before all of my comrades were killed.

The fact that, now of all times, this feeling was sneaking back into my world, taking over myself and taking possession of me ... it couldn't mean anything good.

I only noticed that I had reached the top floor long ago when the dark door in front of me suddenly opened and a pale face with eyes so red and swollen, looked at me, followed by a startled gasp.