Control

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I am numb. I am unceasing. I am automated by my mind and I am unable to stop it. Even if I lie perfectly still, if I hold my breath, cease every possible movement, my organs will continue to convulse and churn of their own volition. Thoughts will continue to rush through my mind. I can't make it stop. There will never be a moment where I am I alive because I will it. Even if in the deepest part of my mind I wish for death, even if it becomes my  most sincerely held desire, my body will persist of its own accord. My body does not care if I love it. It doesn't care if I want it. It only perpetuates itself. It's nothing more than a machine that I am trapped within. I can't escape. Nobody can help. I'm all alone. It hurts so much.
It hurts It hurts It hurts It hurts It hurts It hurts It hurts It hurts It hurts It hurts It hurts

I can feel everything. Every spark traveling through my nerves from my brain, every muscle contraction, the grinding of bones against cartilage, the inflation and deflation of each individual alveoli as I inhale and exhale. I am in control. I am in control of the acid churning through my stomach, I am in control of the movement of blood through my veins, I am in control of every palpitation, every movement within my own body. I will my cells to duplicate and I will my cells to die. Nothing happens without me commanding it. There are no secrets inside of me. This is what I always wanted. Pure and absolute control over myself. Life and death wielded firmly within my palm. Is this happiness?
Am I happy? Am I happy? Am I happy?

What's happening right now?
Nothing feels real.