poetry cafe ; COMPLETED

My feelings

If you read all of this THANK YOU!💜

I haven't been feeling myself lately. I just need a big long rant without someone saying "that sucks" or "are you okay?" Because honestly...no, I'm not! Everyday when I wake up I feel like it's a chore to get up and do stuff! It's a chore for me to be living right now! A few months back in December I wrote a suicide note everyday for a week before Christams. I thought that it would be kind of stupid to kill myself before christmas because it would ruin the holiday for all of my friends and family to be like "suprise! I gave you the gift of me dissapearing forever!" So I decided that I'll do it after and then I waited too long and Valentine's day came around. There is NEVER a good time to kill yourself and honestly I was on the verge of ending it today. I may be young and I may still have a future ahead of me but I can't help but think of how useless I am. It doesn't make it any better that my family is around me at all time now so if I try to kill myself they'll instantly know. No one really knows how bad my depression is because it's self diagnosed. I sit it my bed way too often and ponder what everyone would do ahen I'm gone. The answer is simple, "they would move on with their lives without a care". As gross as it may seem, sometimes I don't shower for days on end because I'm not motivated enough to even lift a finger. My teachers are probably wondering why my school work is lacking and why it's gotten worse as soon as we went into quarantine well it's because I bottle up what I'm feeling and I don't tell my teachers that I just need a break from it all. I know that even if I did ask for a break the break wouldn't be long enough because a week off doesn't get rid of depression. I started lying to my friends about how I've been feeling. They always asked me how I felt at the lunch table because I was always looking sad so I just said "no, I'm fine I just have a severe case of resting bitch face". Now that we're over a screen and not face to face they can't tell how broken I am because I can put on a smile for the camera but I can't put a smile on in real life. My family doesn't seem to notice. Which is good, I don't want them to, if they catch on they might send me to therapy. I can't do it anymore, I can't put on a mask and pretend to be nice to everyone because in the end where does it get me when I'm nice to everyone but myself? The numbness in my brain has been through thick and thin with me to where a lot of the time when people tell me a sad story I don't say anything. I just nod and say "I'm sorry". It's been there so long I consider it my friend now, my best friend to be exact. At least my own thoughts don't leave me except then again even those do too sometimes. I can't deal with myself but I don't want others to deal with me either because that puts stress on them. I shouldn't lean on my friends for support because soon enough their support will start to deteriorate and I'll be left alone with my thoughts...like always. I can't help but think that my teachers think I'm a failure. I don't do my assignments and my mom tells me to do them but when I think of them my mind starts racing a mile a minute, I get anxiety, and then I feel like I'm going to start crying. I don't want these thoughts in my brain. I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I HATE THEM! But they're always there, and they always will be. My family doesn't know how bad it is. My friends don't know how bad it is. My teachers don't know how bad it is. I don't even know how bad it is. Sometimes I think that the problem is me. Maybe I'm a monster in a mask that's decieving people. Maybe I'm the one that's always in the wrong here. Maybe I'M THE ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO JUST STOP! Maybe I should just stop. I'll stop my bull crap. I'll stop my selfishness. I'll stop being a burden. I'll stop being annoying. I'll stop myself from everything I do. That sounds like the best option because I don't fit in with anyone. My family? I feel like I get compared to my sister all the time because she gets better grades and she does her work even though she procrastinates all the time, I feel like my mom only wants me to be a lawyer and if I'm not then she won't be proud of me! I want to be a therapist! I want to help people and make sure that they don't hurt themselves because we live in a world where so many people hurt themselves or commit suicide! And it would be AN HONOR to help save people and help that number be reduced! My friends? I feel like I'm not good enough for them! They're so much prettier and funnier than I am! And even though I might joke about my mental health and about me being fat some of those "jokes" are what I actually think in a day. And it doesn't help that they laugh and say things like "same" or "me too haha" because that's not helping! That's making me feel like they're agreeing to me that I'm fat or they're agreeing to me that I need mental health help! Which I do but I don't want it! My teachers? They don't understand how much I go through in a day. They may think that I'm happy and perfectly fine on the inside but actually it's like a black hole. And I know that sounds so fricking angsty but I feel nothing all the time. When I have missing assignments? I feel like a failure. When I have bad grades? I feel like I'm being compared to everyone else. When I try to reach out? I delete the message because NO ONE CAN KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE! If they knew they would be dissapointed that I didn't tell them sooner. They would be disappointed that I acted like I was happy all this time. When we weren't in this quarantine I was in school. When I was in school I would smile and wave at all of my teachers and sometimes say "good morning" or "good afternoon" but now I can't put a smile on my face to save my life. But I guess that's the point. Maybe I DON'T want to save my life.