Da Kurlzz x Reader Imagine

***

 You sat down at the bottom of your bathtub, your knees to your chest with your arms wrapped around your shins. Your head stayed in between your knees as your hands relaxed themselves a little bit. You played with the water a little bit with your left hand, and flipped a blade you had gotten from a pencil sharpener in your palm a couple of times. A sad smile grew on your face as you held the blade parallel to your thigh.

I’m so sorry Matty.  You thought to yourself.

  A few tears escaped your (e/c) eyes as you slid the blade across your upper right thigh, a few droplets of blood already starting to drip out of the cut. You continued to cut, moving higher up each time, until there were six brand new cuts on your thigh. You sighed and continued to soak in the tub, watching the blood drip down your leg. You drained out the water and you were about to get up from the tub, when you heard the door open and close.  Your heart skipped a beat. You had lost track of time and you ended up staying so long in the bathroom that Matt had time to come back home from recording. You’ve been living with him for quite some time now. He was okay with it once he knew you needed a place to stay, since you two were sorta in a relationship. You always said sorta because he never formally asked you to be his girlfriend. And he knew you were struggling with self-harming; and that’s how you knew he was going to be pissed when he finds out you had relapsed after staying two months clean.

 “Y/N! I’m back home!” Matt called from the bottom of the stairs with his husky voice. You quickly turned the shower on. “I-I’m in the shower!” You called back. You let the shower water wash off the remainder of the blood. “Are you okay in there?”

“Y-yeah! Just fine!” You lied as you turned off the shower water and quickly drying yourself off. The cuts have already stopped bleeding by now, so you didn’t worry about blood getting on your towel.  After wrapping yourself with a towel, you walked over to your room (which was actually Matt’s room really, he was letting you sleep in there while he slept on the couch).

  As you walked you couldn’t help but wince from the burning sensation on your leg. You had almost forgotten how much they would hurt. As soon as you got in the room, you shut the door behind you. You put on an oversized shirt (also Matt’s) that was on the bed already. You sat down on the bed, and after a few seconds of just staring at the wall you bit the base of your thumb to muffle out your sobs. But it was no use; Matt still managed to hear you while he was coming up the stairs. “Y/N, what’s going on?” Matt asked from outside the door. “Nothing! I-I’m fine.” You said, but it was obvious that you’ve been crying. “Are you sure?”

“I SAID I’M FINE!” You shouted.

  You were about to scream from frustration and agony, but all you could do was sit there crying and shaking a little bit. Just leave Matt! You thought to yourself. “I can tell when you’re lying…” Matt said. You couldn’t keep it in anymore. You held a pillow to your face and screamed into it, mixed in with tears. When you had finished screaming, you felt two arms wrap around you. You looked up and saw Matt’s blueish-green eyes looking down back at you. You snuggled closer to him and put your face in his chest.

  Matt rocked you from side to side, whispering “It’s okay…its okay…” in your ear. You began calming down and your crying eventually stopped. You looked up at Matt and saw that he wasn’t looking at you anymore. He was looking at the brand new cuts on your leg. “M-Matty…I’m sorry…” You managed to say after a few moments of silence. “It’s okay.” Matt said.

  “No, it’s not okay! I couldn’t stay strong until November like I promised I would. I didn’t even last three months!” You had broken away from Matt’s grip and you were now pacing the room. “I thought I would get better after I left my parents. Away from all the yelling, the beating, the sadness…” You stopped and took a deep breath. “I was right for the most part, but the sadness is still there.” Matt got up. “Y/N, you only left your parents three months ago. You spent 20 years in that hellhole before you ran away.” Matt reminded you.

  You walked over to the window and looked outside, not focusing on anything in particular. “Exactly! It’s been three months and I still cry myself to sleep every night because I just can’t let it go.” You said. “I’m so fucking weak…” You mumbled as your vision blurred from new tears about to spill over. You soon felt a hand on your shoulder. “Y/N, you aren’t weak for relapsing. You still tried your best, and that’s what really matters to me.” He said, taking you back into a tight hug. “Y-you’re not mad at me?” You stuttered. Matt shook his head. “It wouldn’t help you at all.” He cupped your face and kissed you lightly on the lips. When he broke away he looked at you straight in the eye. “Remember that I’m here to support you every step of the way.” You gave a small grin, and put your head on Matt’s chest.

You and Matt went to bed together that night, and he held you close to him. “I love you, Y/N, always remember that.” He said before kissing your head.

You didn’t cry yourself to sleep that night.