"What is pain?"
A question that roamed around my head as I found myself staring at an empty ceiling with the same thought at the same time and place. The darkness that's covering my room, I used to fear it, I used to hate the darkness. But why do I feel like it is my only friend right now? It helps me release all of my thoughts, it helps me think about my life. But it also gives me pain.
The darkness, it brings pain, but the question is... Is this really pain? Maybe it's not? Lots of people are battling cancer, some are trying to fight for their lives and yet I'm here complaining about this stupid heart ache. Is this pain? Why do I feel like I deserve everything that's hurting me? Maybe I'm being selfish for thinking that this is pain.
"I should really get ready for school." Words that came out of my mouth as I wiped my tears. I guess my thoughts got really deep that it made my eyes shed tears.
While preparing for school, my mom knocked on my door, "Joshua, ready na ang breakfast, you should go down na."
"I'll be there in a sec, mom!" I replied, it was followed by silence for a few seconds then she asked me... "Are you okay?" I guess my tone sounded.. empty? Tired? Or dead? That it made her ask that question. "Uh yes Mom! I'm doing great," I answered. "Well okay bilisan mo na at baka ma late ka na naman," she replied once again.
"Nanaman?" I silently asked myself while looking at the mirror. I got really lazy to go to school this past few weeks because of this feeling, because of this aching. I felt so drained because of this pain and what's annoying is I don't know how to stop it, I don't know how to recover from it and to be honest? It's scary. It's scary because you don't know when it will end and you don't know how to end it. "When will this end?" I asked myself again as I felt like I'm gonna bawl but then my mom called me again. "Joshua isang tawag pa!" She shouted from downstairs. My consciousness came back so I quickly fixed my uniform and grabbed my bag.
"Joshua you're gonna be late again. Hay nako! Sabi ko naman sayo wag ka na magpupuyat, computer ka pa ng computer. Alam mong mahina resistensya ng katawan mo eh! Kelan ka ba makikinig ha?" At tsaka madaling araw na rinig na rinig parin tawa mo, rinig na rinig parin pakikipag away mo diyan sa mga nakakalaro mo sa computer na yan! Pano pag nag reklamo ang mga kapitbahay? Pano pag sumugod na dito ang barangay tanod ha? Ano nang gagawin natin? Ano nang gagawin ko sayo? Tapos gigising ka ng maaga? Baka nga wala ka pang tulog at pag nagkasakit ka ako na naman pupurwisyuhin mo!" My mom said straight and continuously while she was washing the dishes.
Hearing those words made me question myself, "How much pain have I caused her from now?" Maybe a lot, I'm 18 and she's been by my side ever since, she's the one who raised me. It's impossible that I haven't yet given her pain.
"Hoy nakikinig ka ba?" she uttered. "Ayus ka lang ba talaga?" Upon hearing those questions, I sensed that my tears were about to burst out and I've never heard anyone ask me that question so genuinely. I looked down and saw a droplet of my tear that I've been holding on for a long time.
But I guess I wasn't ready to tell her. I don't want her to see me like this, to see me as a weak person and to see me in pain... My mom sacrificed a lot of things for me. She tried a lot of jobs so she can take care of me herself since my dad left us. Stupid old man didn't even came to see me the day I was born. If only I could take her pain away from her, I would do it.
I looked at her and said, "Opo, ma. Puyat lang talaga." How much pain can my mom hold? Is that really the question? Maybe the real question here is, how strong did my mom get after all those pain she had been through? Thinking about it, I have never seen her cry or shed a tear. I don't even know how it feels to see your mom crying over something... Is it painful? Will it make me cry too? Well, that doesn't matter. What matters is that my mother is the strongest person I know. And maybe one day, I can be as strong as her.
"Mom, I love you so much." I said while hugging her. I hope she felt my genuineness from these acts. She deserves all of the happiness in this world. I want her to know that. "I love you too, Josh! You're the greatest blessing I have received!" She exclaimed while hugging me back. Our hugs stopped as my school bus came in front of our house and started honking to call me. So I gave my mom a kiss and ran out of our house to get on the school bus.
"Another day another battle." I told myself those words before entering the bus. I always see every day as a new level in a game called life. In this game, the strongest takes all. Pain is my only enemy.
