What Is and What Should Never Be | Sirius Black

21. Out The Window

"It's been months, if I wanted him I'd have him by now." I lie.

She scoffs.

"As if he'd fancy you." She goes and my face burns with rage. She then adds, in such a quiet voice that I almost miss, "there's no way he'd ever wanna jump your bones."

Instead of saying anything back, I whip around to my nightstand, climb it, then use my bed post to hoist myself out the window. I didn't even bother to change the jumper, let alone get shoes or socks, so my freshly cleaned feet get raked with dirt as I pad my way through the grass in search of the boy who called me.

He's sitting at the base of a tree, his back against the trunk and as I walk over to him he smiles teasingly.

"You look like a hippie."

"Thanks." I mutter and cross my arms to stand in front of him. "What's happening?"

"I wanna hang out." His face holds an innocent smile with something behind it, but I'm now in a bad mood so I don't appreciate it.

"What?" I snap. "I climbed out the window to hang out?"

He's taken back a bit.

"Sorry, Des, I needed and alibi and thought..." He trails off and I sigh, reminding myself that Sirius doesn't deserve my anger.

I take a seat beside him for compensation, but when I turn to him to try and speak, all I wanna do is grab his face and snog him in the hopes Debbie's watching. I move my head to stare straight and don't say anything.

"Alright, what gives?" Sirius asks.

There's no way he'd ever wanna jump your bones.

"Would you shag me?" I ask and his eyes widen immensely, the rest of his body freezing and mouth shutting closed.

My self esteem plummets at his reaction and in that moment I'm assured that even if he did have feelings for me before summer, they're long gone now. In fact, the more I think of it, the more I realize that whole 'almost confession' in his dorm room is all just my imagination, he could've said he used my toothbrush - or that he fancied Jane or something. I change the question and look away, scooting farther from him.

"Am I at least attractive to you?" My voice is a little hurt.

"Des, you're a right fox." He says. "You're gorgeous."

"Would you shag Debbie?" I spit bitterly, not allowing myself to accept the compliment no matter how much I want to.

"Quit jivin'."

"Answer the question." I turn my head to look at him.

"Thought we went over this last year." He says tentatively. "What's happened?"

As I see the worry in his eyes, all my anger melts into sadness, and I feel my lip quiver involuntarily. I bite slightly to still it, and station my gaze on the grass between us.

"Why does she still treat me like this?" I whisper but I know he doesn't have the answer. "I should have just left it. You two could have shagged all you want and it'd all be fine. Nothing would have changed."

"Des, stop." Sirius says, placing a hand on my knee but I move my leg out of his touch. "I don't fancy Debbie. What'd she say to you?"

I shake my head but he insists.

"Nothing." I deflect.

"Too bad, I'm not stopping 'til you 'fess up." He says, moving closer towards me.

"She just said you'd never fancy me or shag me." I dismiss and before he can speak I continue. "I know you won't - I don't care - I just... we're supposed to be friends."