wasn't prepared for the future, loss, ands sorrow.
until an event happened.
the life I knew was never there anymore.
a part of me is fading away, gradually each day.
I lost one source of happiness and love.
My mother, the one who lost her life last year after battling with 4th stage breast cancer. My mother was my most important person in the world before my father. She had been preparing me every single thing I need in my daily routine, going to school, cooking for me and even sometimes teaching me english.
She was a former literature teacher during her 20s and had stopped once she married to my dad. I miss her so much. Even if my mom is gone, I'm so lucky since I have my brother and sister to look after me but, still sometimes I'm depressed. I've been seeing darkness in my life since mother has gone.
I started to feel the emptiness without her, my dad is busy, my brother and sister both are working extremely hard for our family. It's like I've lost many sources of love. Thus, I've started to isolate myself too often. Even if they're at home, it feels like they're not. I started to learn to do things on my own. I become used to commuting. Taking the train to college since I've graduated a week after the death of my mother.
I got home from college by train and I actually find it really soothing being alone especially in the train. Don't you ever just sit there, lean your head against the window and zone out while thinking about things or even beyond it.
Sometimes, I cried in train but, no one else was looking. I love the vibe in the train. It's just when you look outside the window, why don't you just take a chance and admire the view. The people in the train, they're part of your healing process. Isn't it amazing?
I love that I'm growing not to get more spoiled, I'm 19, for good sake, I have to stand on my own someday.
It's Thursday, the most hectic day in every week in college. It was a long day today. I'm taking the train to home. It takes about 45 minutes from college to my home and vice versa. I waste no time and scan my card to get into the station. It was a lonely evening, 5 p.m. Almost peak hour but, still therea are not many people.
I scrolled through my phone and plugged in my earphones while waiting for the train which I expected to be arrived within 10 minutes. I'm so exhausted today, I did so many activities back in college. There was a programme which we need to meet students from other college and we had ice breaking and other activities. It was tiring, I swear. I'm dying right now.
I begin to feel my throat dry so, I reached for my water bottle but, I couldn't reach it and perfect! the train has arrived, seriously though? I still need water.
The train stopped and I stopped reaching for my water bottle in my bag. I queued behind this woman and stepped in as soon as the door opened. I started searching for a seat, specifically enough besides the window and great! I found it.
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I take the seat and put my bag on my lap. I was about to lay my head against the seat and I noticed an old woman trembling while standing in the middle of the train. I'm so drained and exhausted but, the old woman is trembling. I called her.
"you can sit here" I said to her.
"Oh, It's okay my dear.." She said and she obviously need to sit.
"No, it's okay you can take my seat..I can stand..you might hurt you leg.." I said and she just smiles. She takes the seat and thank me then, I quickly find another spot but, I couldn't. I stop my pace and just stand besides the window. I lay my head against it and almost dozes off but, I can't so, I open my eyes only to see a guy right across me.
He's standing right besides the window in front of me. He has a pair of small eyes, kinda a big face, and he's quite broad. I just decided to ignore him but, something about him that makes me feels like I need to look at him a little longer.
He's tall.
He has earphones stucked in both of his ears and he closes his eyes while moving gently to the songs he's listening to. I bet. I quickly look away and go through my playlist to listen to some good songs that can help me distracted from him.
I didn't notice that I was sleeping while standing until I open my eyes only to see an empty space. My eyes slowly roam all over the inside of the train just to find him anywhere but, he isn'tt there anymore. He left.
Bruh, what is this feeling? a dissapoinment or what?
It's not like I know him or something but, there's something in him that makes me feels like I'm "searching" for something I've been longing.
