I saw something today on instagram that broke my heart. It’s April second 2020, and my ex Angel is pregnant with his wife Val. I’ve never been more brokenhearted before. He is the only guy I’ve ever dated that has broken up with me and it hurts because I was naive enough to think that he was the perfect guy. He said all the right things and made me feel beautiful without ever touching me. We never had sex, he kissed me three times in total and we only dated for three and a half months but to this day I feel love for him.
Unfortunately, I’m not her. He said the day we broke up that if he could have us both he would. He told me that he dated me because I reminded him of her. Val was his highschool sweetheart and they had been together for fourteen years. But she’s fit and healthy and skinny and she has beautiful long silky straight brown hair and big brown eyes… and I can’t compete with her. My hair is short now and a mud brown messy with curls that never stay in place and friz up every chance they get. I’ve become fat. I weigh 160 miserable pounds and she's over there weighing at 135 pounds only an inch shorter than me. I hate her, almost more than I hate myself. If she died tomorrow would he come back to me?
No, she’s pregnant and it’s wrong of me to think that when I’m dating someone else now. But I feel that I have to hide from the man I’m with now. I can’t tell him about my anxiety and depression. I can’t tell him how badly I want to buy a scale and weigh myself every day as motivation for starvation. I can’t tell him how badly I want a family. I want a baby for the sake of being proud of something for once in my life. I hate the person I am today.
I’m going crazy in my skin. I think about death maybe twice a day. I think about how badly I want to fuck away the pain but lets be honest, the idea of my body beeing seen naked by someone makes me want to cry.
Let’s bring it back to why I’m writing this. I need thinspiration. I need to feel validation for my hunger and I need a reminder to stay strong. Writing what i feel and what I'm going through keeps me from binging on snacks. I NEED this, so what I'm writing is a true account of my life right now.
My name is Emma and I'm 20 years old. I'm 5'2 and 160lbs. I'm a fat ass. I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, one pound at a time, one day at a time. I will fast until I'm skinny. Let's be real, dieting doesn't work. I would exersise if I had someone to do it with. I'm afraid of the gym. I'm afraid of people watching me as I workout, judging me on how ugly and fat I am. So I just don't go.
I haven't given up yet though, I will be skinny, I will stop eating and spend my time staying distracted. I will be beautiful someday. So hear is to day one of my pro ana life.
