Ripples in the River

2

"Carson! Carson, wake up!" I felt hands on my shoulders, shaking the life out of me. I bolted upwards, gasping for breath. My heart was racing, faster than it ever had before. I was sweating like I had just run a marathon. I wiped my forehead and tried to slow my heart rate. My veins were pumping adrenaline throughout my entire body. I shivered.

"Carson, are you alright? You started screaming and then I saw that your eyes were closed, and it took forever to wake you up. I pushed the call button and the nurses should be on their way." I looked around to see why nobody would've come if Thomas was telling the truth and I had been screaming. I saw that the sun wasn't fully in the sky yet, and when I peered into the hallway, no one was there. It was barely morning. There was mist falling over the city outside my window. A voice broke through my daze.

"Carson, are you alright." I turned my head, following the sound of Thomas' voice. I looked at him straight in the eye. I caught his eyes and had his full attention. I wanted to tell him that I was fine, I really wanted to.

"No."

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Such a simple word can cause a catastrophic reaction. Such simple thoughts can lead to such complicated responses. When what we say outloud, was meant only for ourselves.

"No! What do you mean? What's wrong." In that moment, all I could do was just sit there. It was all I could do not to break down. It took every ounce of my will power not to collapse and let Thomas pick up all the broken pieces. All the pieces of me, the pieces that have been cracked, the ones that were crushed, the ones that have almost completely disappeared.

I could feel my old self fading away, the self that had two loving and quirky parents. The part of me that was taking over was the part that was left without a person in the world to care for her. I could finally feel pain setting in, and I couldn't let that happen. If I felt pain, that meant my parents were really gone.

"I mean no. I said no and that is simply what I mean." The words left my mouth shaper than I had intended, but there was nothing I could do about that now. Thomas furrowed his brows as he gave me a questioning look. He didn't only look confused, but hurt as well.

"I just lost my parents, both of them, and I was there, but I don't remember any of it. I don't know if I'll ever be okay again." I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel the ache in my chest, but I couldn't. I couldn't seem to feel much of anything. I slumped my head over and just rested it in my palms. I felt the bed shift and a warm embrace wrap around me.

"Carson. Look at me." I did as I was told and looked up at Thomas. "It's okay that you're not okay. It's perfectly fine. I wouldn't expect it of you anyways. I wouldn't expect it of anyone who lost someone, let alone his or her parents. I know you're strong. You're going to get through this."

"How would you know, you barely even know me?"

"I can sense it. I can sense your strength and your heart. And you have people who care about you. Your grandparents, your family, your friends, and... and." Thomas took a deep breath. He closed his eyes as he inhaled and exhaled. "And you have me." 

I looked at Thomas, looked at him straight in the eye. Then I wrapped my arms around him. I rested my head against his chest. I curled my arms and held on to Thomas' shoulders. I held on for dear life, as if I had let go, I would float away and never find my way back. I felt my breath getting heavy and quick. And then I felt a single tear fall from my eye, followed by another tear and another. Soon I was full on crying, but not loud and obnoxious. I cried silently, that's how I could tell that it was all real. Silent crying is the worst type, it's the type of crying where a person has been hurt beyond belief.

I sat there, crying into Thomas for the longest time. At one point we had layed back. It had been becoming too much of an effort to stay upright for the both of us. So we lay there, my head on Thomas' chest, my arms wrapped around him, dried tears on my face, eyes closed. Thomas had his arms around me, keeping me secure, keeping me safe, while his hands stroked my hair, keeping me as relaxed as I could've been. I fell asleep this way, and for once, I didn't seem to dream at all.

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I awoke mid-afternoon, with a sleeping Thomas at my side. I sighed and snuggled into the warm body sleeping next to me. However, that only seemed to wake the gentle giant. I watched his face as he opened his eyes and blinked, shaking off the sleep. "You know, some guys find girls watching them sleep to be kinda creepy. Not me though. I think it's sexy." He cracked a smile and started to laugh at his own joke. I couldn't help but laugh myself. "How'd you sleep," he asked.

"Well, this might be just me, but I slept with my eyes closed." I chuckled at my own wit. "I slept, great, for once." When I said this, I felt that I was keeping a forced smile on my face. While Thomas, he didn't even try to hide it when the smile fell off his face. He looked at me with the most caring look in his eyes, "Don't say that, it's gonna get eaiser." He tucked my magled hair behind my ear. I blushed a little and couldn't help but just hug Thomas as tightly as I could. He squeezed back, being careful not to squish me too much. 

My eyes were stinging with tears threatening to spill over. I tried to restrain myslef, as I didn't have it in me to expend so much energy on crying. But, as it turns out, that takes even more energy so I gave in and let my tears slide down the sides of my face. I didn't want Thomas to see me cry, and I don't know why it really mattered, but I wanted to prove him right. Mainly I wanted to prove to myself that I am strong enough to get through this.

"It's okay Carson. You can cry as much as you want to. It doesn't make you any weaker just 'cuz you cry. In fact, it could even make you stronger if you just let yourself be instead of trying to conceal what you don't like. Besides, I'm definitely not going to judge you if you cry or not." I couldn't help but think about how amazing this kid is. He makes me feel strong and safe and everything someone could want to feel. He is defintiely one for the record books.

"Thomas."

"Yeah Carson." He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes. He cocked the corner of his mouth up in just the perfect way. I wanted to remember this exact moment. I wanted to live in this moment forever. I never wanted to have to think about anything else. Because in this moment, I couldn't think about anything but us. This moment was pefect. 

"Thomas, kiss me."

Thomas pressed his lips to mine. The kiss was light and brief, but it couldn't be described as anything other then perfect. As he pulled back, I looked into his eyes, and he into mine. The world seemed to slow almost to a stop. My breath was slow and heavy as I stared into the deep blue abyss that is Thomas' eyes. He took my face in his hands as he pulled me back for another kiss.