Keeping Tabs

Chapter 10

I couldn't speak, or even move for that matter. I was dying inside, and Seth's last words came back to me with a stunning clarity.

Be careful with Colin, 'cause he'll break you one of these days.

I finally understood exactly what he’d meant by that. Or at least so I thought. I've come to understand its full meaning now, but it took years of experience. But at that moment, I was certain that this had to be what it felt like to be truly broken.

“Tabs? Can you hear me?” Colin was beginning to look worried. And I realized that he had been talking the whole time. I shook my head a bit to clear away Seth's voice. When I looked at Colin again I was shocked to see tear stains on his cheeks. I had no idea that this meant that much to him, because his tone of voice sounded more like he was giving me a pep talk. He rubbed his face before continuing.

“I promise, we'll be together one day. And in the mean time, we can still be friends, but we can’t be together like this for a while. We're just not on the same level.” He tried to hug me, but I backed into the tree, and he stopped trying to touch me. I turned away from him, facing toward the water, and for a moment, I could see why Seth chose this to be the last place he ever saw.

I'm not really sure exactly what made me start toward the water in the first place, but I didn't feel Colin grabbing my arm, pulling me back from the lake. I can't say that I was trying to kill myself, but I also can't say that I would have minded if something had happened to me.

“Tabitha! Stop. Come here!”

Colin's voice was barely more than an echo to my ears, though he was nearly screaming at the top of his lungs when he yelled my name. I slowly looked back to him, my gaze following down my arm to where he held my hand in his, up his arm , finally coming to rest upon angelic his face. A face that suddenly meant pain for me.

I could see that he was panicking, and the most evil piece of my heart was happy for the pain I was now causing him. Any discomfort he felt made that part of me happy, because revenge tastes sweet in any form, and no one can deny it.

“Let go of me, Colin. I just want to swim.” I said. I hardly noticed that I was already in past my ankles, and I was straining to get farther into the water. Colin yanked my arm hard enough to completely uproot me, jerking me over to him.

He wrapped his arms around me and this time, instead of feeling like I was being embraced, I felt like I was being restrained in the gentlest way he knew how. And for some reason that offended me to my very core. I hated him for it.

“I'm taking you home. Come on.” Colin said as he began half pulling, half carrying me back to his car. I began to panic at the idea of being alone in a car with him right then. I didn't even want to be on the same planet with him, let alone in the confines of a vehicle.

“No. Just leave me here. I'll find a payphone and call Micah. I'm going to his house. Not that it matters to you.” I said, sounding more spiteful than I'd intended, but I just went with it. I began thinking up the meanest things I could possibly say. About ten seconds into that I realized the drawback to loving everything about someone. The list of reasons to hate them when you want to tends to be far too short.

“Oh, to hell with it.” Colin said as threw his arms up for an exasperated second, and I should have run then, but I didn't. He threw me over his shoulder, hoisting me completely off of my feet as he turned toward his car. I began kicking and thrashing when a terrible thought dawned on me.

If Colin were in the mindset to do so, he could have done whatever he wanted to me. He could physically crush me if he wanted to, and there was nothing I could really do to stop him. For the first time I thought about our age difference and felt a trace of fear. Where was he taking me?

“Stop kicking, Tabs, you're just pissing me off.” Colin opened his door, flipped his seat forward, then tossed me into the backseat, flipping his seat back and slipping behind the wheel before I could get back out. He locked the doors as he spun out of the parking lot, his tires kicking up gravel, spraying it onto the sand banks and over the edge of the water.

As soon as he stopped at the first red light, I hit him for the very first time. Then I hit him again. I began slapping him in the back of the head until he turned in his seat, grabbing my hands in his and pushing me back against the seat.

“Stop it, Tabitha,” he warned in a level voice before turning back and pulling forward again, ignoring all of the blaring horns from the drivers behind him at the light. I didn't hit him again, but I couldn't just sit there passively, either. So I contented myself by kicking the back of his seat until my legs were sore. He must have realized that it was pointless to try making me stop that, so he tolerated it.

When he turned into the driveway at Micah's house, part of me actually felt grateful to him. The rest of me was now completely furious with him. He jumped out of his seat and held it forward reaching his hand in the car to pull me out.

Feeling particularly mean, I bit him. When he jerked his hand back I bolted from the car, slowing down only long enough to kick him in the leg as I ran toward Micah's. I didn't look back as I ran inside, barreling for Micah's room. I heard Colin's car spin out as I began knocking at his door. Micah opened his door almost instantly.

“Nann? Oh, Tabs. Wait. What happened to you? Sweetie, what's wrong?”

“Colin.” I said, just before I broke down and cried on his shoulder right there in his doorway. He pulled me into his room and sat me down in his computer chair, then pulled the steamer trunk at the end of his bed over to me, sitting on it as he placed a hand on my knee.

“Tell me everything.”

Micah's only response to my outburst was that one simple sentence. And it's one of the million reasons why I would never trade Micah for anything or anyone. He listened intently as I went over the entire day, moment by moment. He never spoke a word while I was talking.

When I had finished, he didn't have to say anything. He just leaned forward and pulled me into a tight hug, holding me there for a long while. I cried until I couldn't anymore. And I stayed there, pretending to be home sick for the next four days.

Something truly did feel a bit dead in me after that day. Life was no longer interesting, nothing was worth the effort. Colors washed out, flavors went dull, sensations went dead. I began to live for avoiding Colin at all costs.

If I saw him at school, I walked the opposite direction. If I saw him at a store or at any function, I left. I tried not to think of him, I tried not to feel anything for him. And after a few months, I didn't feel anything at all anymore. I went completely numb to everything. It didn't take very long for me to accept life as it was in this state of mind.

I managed to not feel anything until I saw the flyers posted announcing the senior prom. At first it was a round up for the prom committee, then it gave way to ads for photographers and where to get your souvenirs from.

Finally, the Monday after prom, there was a poster outside the cafeteria congratulating the prom king and queen. There was a photo of Colin with a pretty, wholesome looking senior named Audrey Scott. I felt that raging emptiness that had consumed me that day on the lake.

I spent the rest of the school day in the girl's bathroom, wishing for the world to end before the bell rang. Ms. Spencer, the freshman history teacher came in and found me a few hours after the final bell had rung for the day.

That evening my mother had cried because I refused to speak about what had made such a drastic change in her only child. She asked me where she had gone wrong as a mother. She asked me when she had failed me. I ignored her and went to bed without dinner.

Even Micah couldn't cheer me up. I dropped into a permanent state of depression, and I barely noticed the passing of the days anymore. My birthday passed, summer came and went, Halloween and Thanksgiving went by. But I took notice when December fifth rolled around that year, and the next year after that.