Keeping Tabs

Chapter 4

“You sure? You don't seem-”

“No, I'm fine. Really, go on.” I swallowed hard and waited for the worst. I knew that whatever he was about to say was definitely not going to make me feel any better.

“Well, he's going out with her to the movies tonight, and if that goes well, he's bringing her to Snoopie's Christmas party on Saturday.” Micah spoke in a slow, purposeful tone, his eyes studying every change my face made.

“Snoopie? Really? Oh.” I tried to smile, but I could feel tears welling in my eyes. Now, I know what you must be thinking. Why did it even matter? Because, it just did.

“What's the mat-”, and as it finally dawned on him, Micah answered his own question, “Oh. You're into Colin, aren’t you? Oh my god, you are!”

“A bit.” I didn't want to sound like it was a big deal to me, even though it was. It was a huge deal, and apparently, it showed.

“Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. I didn't think about it before I ran off at the mouth. I'm so sorry!”

Micah was almost in tears now himself. I finally broke down when he wrapped his arms around me, both of us sinking to the floor in a huddled mass. I laid there crying for nearly twenty minutes before I even bothered to move.

“Hey, hey. It's not so bad. He may not like her once he goes out with her. You never know.” Micah pulled my face toward his, and for a small second, my eyes went wide with surprise. He must have understood what was going through my head, because he quickly jerked his hands back to his sides as though he'd been burned.

“No. She's been the only thing he's talked about since school started. And at any rate he's never even noticed me at all.” I said, and the self indulgent tone in my voice at that moment was all the proof I needed that I was pathetic. I had never hated myself before that moment.

Micah had endured so much in his life and yet, here I was whining to him about the boy that didn't like me. Even now I feel revulsion at the memory of myself, but that's neither here nor there. I looked down at my lap again and waited for the words of comfort that I had already become so dependent upon. He's never let me down.

“Not true. Not true. Colin has noticed you, completely. He's even told me that you're funny, you’re smart, you're kind and brave, curious to a fault, but loyal to all five of us. You're the link that was missing in our group! We've never been the same since the day you went psycho at,” Micah had to pause briefly, wincing at the memory. In a watery voice he continued slowly,  “at my mom's house. Trust me, none of us are ever gonna forget that day. We all thought, and still think, that you were incredible. We all love you.”

I began crying again as he spoke, my feelings for the group conflicting with the ones I had for Colin. I knew it was selfish to feel this way, wanting Colin so badly that I didn't care how awkward it became for everyone. How could I put Micah in this position? At the time it was all too easy for me.

“But if that's true, then why didn't he talk to me at his birthday party? Or ever since school started?” I didn't really want the answer, but I just had to know. I had to grit my teeth for the answer.

“He's just. . . He's. . . Well, the problem is, he has noticed you. Very much, and that is the problem. Hey now, hang on a second. You're not the problem-” Micah pulled my face back up with a bit more force, his eyes taking on a new intensity as he continued, “Don’t get me wrong, here. It's the age difference. Think about it, just for a second. You're eleven. He's sixteen. Looks kinda bad from his side, especially if you stop and think about this situation from his perspective. He really does adore you, but you're just not at his level yet.

“I mean, your age level. He's distancing himself so that this doesn't become a problem for him on a moral level. I mean, I have people look at me oddly when I'm out with you. And I'm two years younger than he is!”Micah smiled as he finished speaking. We both knew he wasn't going to stop speaking until I smiled.

“And so he's with Jennifer. Well, that's all right,” I spoke with a forced determination as I rose to my feet. My insides trembled and my knees went weak, but my voice didn't show it when I continued, “In a few years, I will be on his level, and then we'll see.”

Micah didn't question me or give me disbelieving look as he rose to follow me upstairs. He didn't pry when I only nodded in response to his stories of high school life, gossip among the kids that were 'on a level' that suddenly felt a million miles away to me. A pathetic seventh grader. An eleven year old level. You know, my mother always said that I was mature for my age, that I was too grown up for my age, that I seemed to be going on thirty at all times. And my god was I paying for it now.

I stewed about this for the entire afternoon, looking out of my loft window at a bleak and gray December sunset. I hardly noticed when Micah shook me by the shoulders to get my attention.

“Earth to Tabs, wake up! Hey! My Nann called, it's time for me to go home. You alright?”

Micah became a bit concerned, but he relaxed when I looked at him and nodded. He pulled me up by my hand and gave me a warm hug, but I barely felt a thing.

“Hey, Micah. If I were two years older, would you have dated me?” I asked. What was coming out of my mouth? I couldn't believe my own ears, and I could already feel my embarrassment rising.

“Oh. Um. Well, if I were, that way. . . Yes, I would.”

“What do you mean, 'that way', huh? What's that even mean?”

He smiled at me as though I should have already known the answer. And, looking back, I really should have. He hugged me again before answering me.

“Sweetie, um. . . I'm gay.”

“Oh.”

That was genuinely the only thing I could say. It was the first time since he'd arrived that day that I hadn't thought about myself at all. All focus in my mind was transferred directly to Micah. I then began to laugh uncontrollably, my embarrassment finally overwhelming me. I had been a real genuine horse's ass this time, and somehow his declaration made all of my agony over Colin seem completely insignificant. And by comparison it was.

“Is that funny to you?” He asked. The spark of anger in Micah's voice jarred me from my own thoughts, making me realize that I was far from finished playing the ass of the day. I sputtered for the right words.

“No! I wasn't laughing at you, I swear it! I just- I just don't know what to say. I'm embarrassed now, but I'm glad you told me. I'm thankful that you trust me enough to tell me something so personal. I'm-”

“Tabs! It's not that big of a deal. As long as you're ok, we're ok.” He smiled and hugged me again, kissing my forehead before we went downstairs. Now I suddenly had so much to say, and of course it was as he was leaving.

“I'll see you tomorrow, then?” I asked as he walked through the dining room, veering around the glass topped dinner table as he headed for the front door. My heart constricted a bit as he stopped, turning slowly to face me.

“Afraid not. Nann wants me to go with her on this trip to see her sister, and I won't be back until Snoopie's party.” Micah smiled as he turned back toward the front door. I let him get almost to the foyer before I said anything.

“I'll miss you. Call me while you're gone.”

I was so afraid that this was going to be the last time I'd ever see him, even though I knew that was ridiculous. He turned again and gestured with his arms for me to come toward him. I ran toward him and practically jumped into his arms, and he hugged me one last time before he left.

I nearly sank to the floor again when he was gone. The world was a much colder place when Micah wasn't around. For the next four days I milled around the house, cut off from the world and lost in my own head.