mE jUsT wAnTiNg To CaSuAlLy RaNt Ya KnOw

well here is a start

For starters it's 1:32 am, and I'm dying :')...Ok so the furby pic makes me happy no hate let's continue.

Lately I've been stressed, yes if you know me I'm stressed 24/7 but recently it's been getting worse. Yes I have all these opportunities, yes I have a girlfriend, yes I have a good support system, and yes I've quit smoking...I have done all these good things and in the end I just feel sad. I know most teenagers have depression but I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad. I shouldnt be sad all the time, I do t deserve to feel like this. All I ever do is complain and I constantly feel like I annoy the people I care about the most. I push people away and my brain is scattered.

In better words, or in a more descriptive way of putting this,

No matter how hard I try I'm just a disappointment, I wake up each day just to fall back onto my bed looking at my ticking alarm telling me to wake up. My brain constantly feels like a milkshake, melting out of my ears and down my shoulders onto the heated cement. My eyes feel glazed over. Not by rose colored glasses but by a deep and foggy haze that wont go away, I try and turn on my headlights to drive through it and get past it but I always turn the wrong way heading back down my habits that I do not need. Parts if me want to inhale that toxicity but violent thoughts of beasts tear away at my memories causing me to look the other way. If I speak to the people I love with they will only penalize me and bring me down, their misleading words send me astray, leaving me longing for something different with a tainted mindset. Pushing my body last its limits l, feeling each grinding gear rub against eachother rusting away. I feel like a rotting apple, losing its bright red color, its sweet taste to the tounge and pleasant sent. Sloth has encased me in his domain leading me to belive that I have no true self worth and I cannot move forward, chaining my feet to the ground, encased in a gloomy bubble. The more I fight, and strive to be my best self, I feel hands clawing into my spine, clenching, dragging me down to my deepest points. Where I feel like I'm inhaling a thick and sluggish tar, infecting and polluting my lungs and my veins. My body and my mind are on auto-pilot trying not to steer far from the road, down the same long curve path everyday. I'm constantly on repeat. I'm in a constant groundhogs day. Most days I apply a smiley sticker to my face, not to worry people because even though I feel like a robot, I stole a human heart for myself and give peoces of it away to others who need it. For people who are able to maintain me, they usually peel away that sticker, and do maintenance on my system, usually once a week, o break down often. Though thoughts usually pass my mind to just pull my life support, to let myself go away from this place and to let it go. But my mechanics wont allow that to happen, they put too much effort into me to let that happen. My hardware system doesn't seem to comprehend the simplest of tasks. From simple math equations to being able to remember simple tasks my family gives me. Sometimes I think "who allowed me to have human emotion?". I don't want your pity, I just want someone to understand.

I hope that made sense kinda...anyway back to normal ranting

My dad expects so much of me, I'm in three schools and I have a job but he doesn't care about his I feel. He treated me badly because I didnt have a job, then I got one and he started to change. That seems not ok to me. Something about my father just doesn't seem right to me.

There are lots of things he doesn't know...he doesn't know how I was raped, how I was addicted to smoking for 3 years. He doesn't know I have a fucking tattoo. He puts down the fact that I was fucking abused for the first 16 years of my life and how his life was worse. I get it, that evil man is gone now but he doesn't need to downplay the fact that my moms ex husband tried to touch me, and hit me, and yelled at me with his whiskey scented breath. I just dont get it, I do ALL THOS SHIT FOR HOM AND HE STILL FOSNT APPRICIATE ME. IM SO FUCKING STRESSED IM FAILING ALMOST ALL MY CLASSES YET IM TRYING MYBHARDRST FOR HIM, WHY CANT HE RECOGNIZE HOW MUCH PAIN IM IN....I try to tell him I'm depressed and how bad my anxiety is but he just doesn't belive me. But I refuse to cry about someone who doesn't give a shit about me. I have a great support group but I'm always afraid that I will hurt them or push them away. I even have a beautiful girlfriend. Who is such a sweetie but I'm afraid I'll scare her away. I even told my mom, she says I'm not depressed even though she went through that abuse with me. She says I miss him, that fucking man who hit me and touched me. I've always hated him...and I try not to hate. But I've tried to forgive him and I've tried but alchohol, cigarettes, and weed don't erase your memories. After I found out he hit my mom, And what he did I want to fucking kill him. I've thought about it before but I didn't act apon it because she ly ed him and still does. That fucking achohlic asshole. My mom is even moving to Louisiana. Km goona move with her but I have school and im not 18.

Damn I just don't know. I dated this guy, he was real sweet but my ex came into town and we broke up. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to say hi to him and be friends again but, I rather not hurt him. It's just weird because I see him in the morning sitting down. I hope he is ok and that I didn't hurt him.

Holy shit it's 2:06 now, I need sleep but I'm not tired...

Even though I'm sad I'm gonna keep trying, even though it feels like I'm walking on a thousand nails that are on a hot plate.

Um if anyone does see this I'm sorry lol

Enjoy your night

Ending this with 1144 words.