Gordon's Food Baby

Chapter 1: The Dog's Bollocks

         The restaurant itself wasn’t horrible, the plain red walls were fairly clean and the lighting gave the whole restaurant a rather romantic vibe. “Surely if it looks like this and I’ve had to come here the food is a fucking disaster.” Gordon said with his usual look of a mix of anger and boredom. “Welcome to the Dog’s Bollocks Diner Mr. Ramsay.” The waitress serving him was clearly nervous, her hands were shaking and he could hear her nervous breathing. “Calm down a bit, love, the problem’s clearly not the front of the building.” Gordon could tell the owner was a bit of a dickhead, as the waitresses wouldn’t need to be scared otherwise. “So where’s the best place to start?” 
“Well, for the appetizer you could get pierogies, I really like them, and well… for the entree the owner said you need to try the chef’s surprise.”
“What’s the chef’s surprise exactly?”
“Well, we aren’t allowed to tell customers, as it’s a surprise.”
“Well I fucking hate surprises, but if it’s supposed to wow me I’ll have that. I’ll also have the perogies and for dessert the New York cheesecake.” 
“Alright, I’ll take your order to the chef.”

         The waitress took off into the kitchen and Gordon looked around to see how the other customers were enjoying their food. He saw someone who had ordered a steak and walked over to their table to ask them about it. “Is that the steak?”
“Yeah.”
“How is it?”
“Honestly, it’s fucking awful. I ordered rare, it came in well done, and the meat tastes strange.”
“Tastes strange? You mind if I try I bite?”
“No, go ahead.”
Gordon leans over and cuts off a bit of the steak before he puts it in his mouth. The steak tastes funny in a way that he can’t explain. A waitress walks by and Gordon calls her over. “Excuse me, miss.”
“Yes Mr. Ramsay?”
“What kind of meat is this?”
“That’s the home grown steak right?”
“Yeah.” The customer who ordered the steaks butts in.
“That would be dog meat, sir.”
“I’m fucking sorry? I misheard you right?”
“No sir, that’s dog meat, the owner raises the dogs.”
“You’re serving people fucking dog meat and not making that clear? Are you fucking sick in the head?”
“I’m sorry sir, I have no control over the menu.”
“Bring me your manager right fucking now!”
“Yes sir.”
The waitress runs off to get the manager as the customers walk out appalled. When the waitress arrives Gordon is steaming. “Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Dog meat? Fucking dog meat? I know there’s the chef’s surprise, but the entire menu isn’t supposed to be a fucking surprise you fucking lunatic!”
“It’s the attraction of the restaurant, people come here because of the strange meat.”
“You’re supposed to tell them it’s dog meat you stupid fuck.”
“Sorry chef.”
“Sorry? Fucking sorry? You pull this shit and all you have to say is sorry? You’re lucky I’m not shutting this fucking place down.”
“Yes chef.”
“Now you go fuck off, and there better not be anymore surprises with my meal.”
The manager ran off at light speed to get away from Gordon as he stomped his way back to his table. “This is already horrific and I haven’t even eaten the food.” Gordon mumbled to himself.

    The waitress finally came out with Gordon’s pierogies, he prepared himself mentally for what he was about to taste. He cut the pierogi in half and took a bite of it. “Jesus fucking Christ.” He was obviously not pleased with the food he was given. “Bring me the head chef, I need to ask him a few questions.”
“Yes sir, I’ll get him right away.”
Gordon sank into his chair. “Pierogies. How in God’s name do you fuck up pierogies?”
“You said you wanted to see me?”
The head chef had arrived at Gordon’s table. Gordon looked at him fuming mad. The chef slumped his shoulders down knowing he was about to get reamed by Gordon Ramsay himself. “Look at this pierogi, why is it fucking ice cold in the middle?”
“It shouldn’t be cold.”
“Yeah I fucking know it shouldn’t be cold dickhead, I’m asking you why it’s fucking cold.”
“Well, it probably wasn’t cooked long enough.”
“It was cooked long enough, it was cooked fucking wrong. The outside is fucking fire yet the inside is like the fucking Arctic. Did you microwave the fucking pierogies?”
“Yes chef.”
“So I take it they were frozen too?”
“Yes chef.”
“So what do you do? Fucking cook the pierogies, freeze them, and then put them in the microwave?”
“Yes chef.”
“If you’re going to do that you should chuck them in the bin, not the fucking microwave.”
“Yes chef.”
“Oi, are you fucking there? Going to say something of value?”
“I’ll take the pierogies back to the kitchen and cook you the chef’s surprise.”
“Yeah, fuck off back to the kitchen. You better not microwave my entree as well.”
Now furious Gordon sat down and awaited his food. “This is the most baffling thing I’ve ever seen, they should be serving themselves alongside the dog with the way they run this place.” A new couple sat down in the restaurant and Gordon walked over to their table. “You two are eating here I assume?” 
“Yeah.” The woman answered.
“Don’t touch any of the meat.”
“What, why?” The man answered.
“It’s dog.”
“That’s sick. We’re leaving.”
The couple got up and left. Gordon walked back to his table and sat down, dreading what the chef’s surprise could possibly be.

    The head chef walked out from the kitchen holding a plate in his hand. “Alright sir, here’s your chef’s surprise. It’s a tradition here that I serve the chef’s special.” The head chef set down the plate. Gordon takes a good look at it. “The fuck is this shit?”
“The chef’s special sir.”
“It looks like you took the dog’s fucking bollock and put them on my plate.”
“That’s because it is.”
“It’s what?”
“It’s a dog testicle.”
“fuck me” Gordon mumbled under his breath.
The head chef walked back into the kitchen, leaving Gordon by himself, at the table, praying to God he doesn’t die from eating the atrocity placed in front of him. He picks up the small testicle with his finger, looks at it, and gulps. “Well, I suppose I need to do this don’t I?” Gordon bites into the testicle. It squelches in his mouth and he feels the juices squirting everywhere. The testicle didn’t taste horrible, it was the thought that bothered him the most. Something inside the testicle wriggled into his throat without him noticing, falling down with the rest of the testicle he swallowed. “Never thought my first time eating bollocks would be a dog’s.” He looked at the other half of the testicle that he hadn’t eaten. “I thought so.” The inside of the testicle was very clearly raw, which would explain the juices. “This is raw, look at this shit.” Gordon shows the testicle to the camera. “Not only is it a dog’s testicle, it’s raw. Disgusting, shameful.” 

    Gordon gets up and walks to the kitchen. “Oi fuckhead. Get over here.” The head chefs walks away from the grill he was standing at and over to Gordon. “Yes chef?” 
“That testicle you served me was raw. Fuckin raw!”
“Yes chef.”
“Be honest, did you even cook the fucking thing?”
“No chef.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“That’s how we serve it.”
“Fucking disgusting.”
“Sorry chef.”
“I’m leaving, and closing this fucking place. This is a shameful business I hope you fucking rot.”
Gordon slams the kitchen door as he walks away, he then storms out the front door.