So, this happened in like 2013, definitely 2013 I'm not sure like the time basis of 2013, because 20 A.C. was just not my fucking year. In my last video I talked about how in 2013 I fell down a marble staircase and ate shit in front of Diego, you know, my crush at the time? Yeah, it was not my freaking year at all, okay.
So in 2013, I want to say it was later in the year, I was hanging out with Thomas, Simon, Philip, you know that whole crew, and it was literally at the same house that this like marble staircase house in my last video was. It was common, people went there a lot, blah blah blah whatever.
So basically right, I was just praying with the boys, and you know we were having a good time and all, but I guess during our praying we somehow summoned Jesus? Yeah, we were all like super stoked, we've always wanted to meet Jesus and our priest had told us really epic things about him and how he was all about love, so we obviously started telling him oh how we loved him and he was the best and yadda yadda.
He then PICKS UP HIS FUCKING CROSS, and says some, I don't even know, some fucking voodoo shit, and my homies start turning into wine and bread?? Like, Simon, you know, the guy who was dared to drink piss, I watched my boy turn into alcohol and Jesus PICKED HIM UP and just CHUGED THE WHOLE FUCKING THING???? He invited me to eat but I obviously denied cause what the fuck those were my HOMIES. He then turned towards me and started coming closer?? And just, I don't know man, he had a weird look in his eye. You know, that creepy but somehow still sexy look? I don't really know how to explain it.
He walks up to me and lifts my chin up, and my pants started getting tighter for some reason. I still don't know what it was, but I did tell my mum about it and she told me she'd get me new pants, which was a shame cause those we're my favourite. Anyway, he lifts my chin up, looks deeply into my eyes and kisses me. It was the ROUGHEST ARSE KISS I've EVER had to endure.
Anyway, he, you know, banged me, you can see me explaining the whole thing on my patreon, but you know we had socks on, so it wasn't sinful or anything, honestly. Mad respect for that. He told me it was an accident and just broke through the roof and went back to I assume heaven, and I had to clean everything up by myself (won't tell you how, patreon exclusive). I'm glad my parents didn't notice the marks on my neck cause else I would've been shunned at my local church, and I love my priest so that wouldn't be too cool.
You know, this would've been fine, but THIS BITCH told his DAD. He could've said "Oh, you know, I prayed with him..." But NO. He full out told GOD that he PUT HIS CROSS IN ME. So obviously word spread around, and when my parents were praying, God, being the bitch He is, fucking told them. My parents kicked me out, and they still don't want to talk to me because of what this motherfucker did. Not gonna lie, it was worth it though, even if I feel a bit sad that I watched Judas turn into bread and the other guys turning into what Jesus loves the most, it was an amazing experience.
But yeah, that's my story. Stay tuned for the next video where I talk about an 11-year-old who's obsessed with me for some reason!
