I knew about this place once and I mean you really only can imagine what this place was because you didn't see it for yourself like I did. But like I was saying I knew about this place where it felt like sixteen different people living in one house. I know sounds crazy right. Well it was, but not all crazy is bad. You see because this "place" was actually a person's mind. To be utterly exact on location her name was Ciera "Dawn" Collins. See now her mind was my special place that I would like to travel and learn more about everyday. From the very beginning of when I first started to see this place. It was in a park bench in the back of Roadrunner park. Out of the blue I got this text from this crazy beautiful chick I had just met the day before. And I say crazy because the first day I had even met the girl she said three little words I would've never expected. "I LOVE MATT". I never let her hear the end of that one. But I went to the park and I saw her lying in the table, blasting music in her ears, waving her hands to the rhythm of the music. I sat down and I never thought I'd freeze up, so I just smiled and said hey. I had the happiest feeling in the world for about ten minutes until her boyfriend started abusing her with her location. She had to leave but said she would go to the park later. I was not gonna pass up another opportunity to see her again so I made sure I went. I cleaned the house spotless, I made food for the family, I took out the trash, just so I could see her smile again. After that days went by fast going to the park and hanging with her. Days go by and I'm playing basketball and off to the side I notice my phone was missing. I was shocked to see her on my phone taking pictures of herself. She had a phone that had worse camera quality then mine. The next couple days she was snatching my phone snapping "hundreds" of photos. About a week later she invited me to meet one of her bestfriends Leila. We go to the park early, I was sitting in the back staring at her thru the rearview mirror and I saw her staring back at me smiling. I was playing music and we started listening to oldies. She threw her hand behind her head. I didn't know if I should hold her hand but I wanted to badly so I did. Weeks go by and it's around Christmas time. I had more feelings grown for her and it was fucking freezing at the park, so I decided to bring my "Mexican" blanket to the park. I pulled her next to me and asked her if she wanted to watch "The Grinch". She lit up immediately and laughed, and said yeah. We were about an hour in and somebody ruined it by calling Ciara's boyfriend and telling her she was doing something worse. We never finished the movie even tho we planned on it many times. One day out of nowhere she texted me saying her boyfriend broke up with her and she wanted to talk. She came to pick me up and she introduced me to another one of her friends "Casey". We headed to Cristy Cove park and sat at a bench. Her phone was blowing up with angry messages. She showed me one message of what he said and I was furious. How could someone who said they love a girl like Ciera say those things. I wanted to fly or drive to Nevada just to beat his ass. I tried my hardest to get a smile from her and I got it. I felt really good after that. The next couple of days I didn't really get to see her. I didn't go to the park for a couple days because I didn't know if she was there or not, but I got bored so I decided to head over and draw on a bench. The only thing on my mind was her and surprisingly she came behind me and threw her arms around me putting me in a choke hold. I immediately turned around ready to fight but smiled when I saw her standing there. We went to go get some McDonald's in her car. I noticed she always got fries, and I mean always. She loved them. The next weekend she introduced me to another friend "bean". She was pretty cool and interesting. We went to her friend "Chance's" house and me and ciera sat in the beam bags listening to Phora. That was the first time listening to that artist for me. I toned everything out and started talking to her. I never meant to say it but it slipped, "why don't we go out?". I was shocked, it just came out, I hesitated but still staring into those perfect brown eyes I had already fallen for. She said she wasn't ready and that it wouldn't be a good idea because in her mind she was only an issue. I couldn't believe it, I couldn't imagine being hurt Soo badly that you believe yourself as a problem. I could feel my anger for her ex crawling on my back scratching and clawing to be released. I had to leave and get some air, they chased me knowing I didn't want to be seen, but they followed me until I finally got them to leave. I was looking at some iPhone and see the anger in my face. I punched the wall with the phone bending in my hand cutting my palm up. The next couple of days were silent from the world. Nothing happened, nobody asked if I was ok, nobody came to see me, I felt invisible but it was ok Because I had other plans. I started writing music again, I could only write about her and her beauty. I bomb rushed a song into recording but it came out nicely. I went to the park that night and I continued to write more lyrics, I burned the paper because I thought it made it look pretty cool and in my eyes it was. In the right side of my vision I see this red car pull up, it's her. She always surprised me whenever she came. It was sometime in February and me and Ciera were dating but not officially. I had invited her to my house the palisades and we stayed and talked in the patio. I heard my mom's car door slam and I knew it was her. Ciera had asked if my mom knew she was here or not, I smiled and replied no. My mom had walked in and saw her and the first thing Ciera did was walk up and shake her hand saying hello. My mom wasn't mad which really shocked me. After ciera left my mom called me from the other side of the house and in my mind I thought "oh fuck, this is it, I'm dead". She asked me who was she and why I never said anything about her. I told her everything I knew about her and she asked me if I liked her. Without hesitation I said yeah. My mom made me smile when she said she likes her and she thought I made a good choice, but then mumbled if I break her heart she would kill me. The next day she came back, we had been on the phone all night, we had made it to twelve hours in one phone call. I introduced her to my brother Anthony. They both smiled at each other. About a week later it was raining badly and she wasn't working so we went to get food but instead went to the park. I loved the rain and she did to, we went to the center of the of basketball court and danced in the rain, little cliche but it was great. I stared into her perfect eyes and leaned in for a kiss and she kissed me back, our first kiss. Couple of days pass and everything was good, Ciera knew my password to my phone and I allowed her to know because I didn't have anything to hide. She went on my Snapchat and saw my message to Rosy, I wasn't trying to flirt or anything but it seemed like it to her and then we started arguing. We both had trust issues and issues inside our head that was hard to deal with. I pulled her aside and talked to her and asked her if she trusted me, she said yea, she asked me and I said yeah. I came up with the idea that tomorrow at the park we would instead of going to ball up we would go to our bench and tell each other EVERYTHING about each other. I was excited when she pulled up and started walking towards me. I immediately gave her a hug and kiss. I held her hand tight as we walked towards the back. I asked her about her past relationships, first kiss, her first time, all her secrets, and I told her all of mine, we then walked back and I felt as if we've gotten stronger as a couple. The next day she had brang her dad to the park and his girlfriend "Kriss". She brang them not for me but for Gabi, my second mom. I didn't say hello or anything to her dad because that's not how I wanted to officially meet him. So I stayed quiet. The next day we went to the mall with chance to get him clothes, him and bean had broken up so he wasn't too happy. He had said something that irritated me and Ciera only said that he shouldn't be mean, I murmured something and had gotten slapped on the arm haha. But it was ok. I deserved it. In the next couple of weeks we had gotten into fights because I had given her an ultimatum between me and chance. Something I never should have done. I lost her for a while and I started crumbling. At this point I had gotten kicked out of my mom's house once again for like the 30th time and was living at my best friend Chrystal's house. When I was at chrystals I was always drunk or high and running from the pain. I was always there if I wasn't working and then after a kickback, a friend named khyra slept over and we started talking. She said she was cold and I had the only blanket, so naturally I asked her if she wanted to come closer and get under the blanket, I never expected her to actually get right next to me and cuddle but it happened. I was at a point in my mind where I was broken and just letting the flow happen. Khyra was also broken from a previous relationship so we bonded quickly with that. One crazy night I had just bought a new knife and it was sharp, I came to the park and for some reason I was irritated about to blow, and I notice chance and Ciera walking down coming towards the park. I wasn't in the mood for drama so I got up and walked away. In the distance I heard something but couldn't clearly hear it. Khyra had told me chance had called me a pussy ass bitch and I blacked out. I flipped my knife as hard as I could and I was walking towards him. I honestly couldn't say what happened because I blacked out, duhh, but I was told I cut up on of my friends on accident. And it took another friend who is amazingly strong to finally calm me down. When I came back to my senses I realized I had so much anger bubbling inside me. I didn't want to black out again, I called them the next day to have a talk and clear things out, but I wanted my apology from chance. We pulled into a Jack in the box and immediately started yelling at each other. Chance was afraid and it was funny to me and I felt I had a sense of entitlement, but then came Ciera. She wasn't afraid, she was like an angry chihuahua. She was bouncing around from side to side everytime I moved to scream at me face to face. She wasn't intimidated by me, she knew me. Weeks go by and and Ciera texts me out of nowhere saying she's leaving to California. I felt my soul drop, my heart was pounding. I gave her the biggest hug I could ever give someone and I walked her back to her car. I kept asking when she would be back but she didn't want to tell me, she kept insisting on leaving. I let her go. Two days later me and Chrystal buy a dog for the apartment, "peanut butter" ,my son, though that wasn't his name at first. Training him was difficult work and he had the potential, he was just a little slow at first. I spent the next week training the dog and working. One day while I'm doing the dishes Chrystal is telling me Ciera had just got me a gift from California. She wouldn't tell me and I was trying my hardest to find out. The only thing she had hinted was that it started with an "H". I tried every word but I'm stupid sometimes so I just was gonna wait for the next week when she was supposed to return. Little did I know the gift was herself, and she had came back earlier. 3/26/18. The day I heard a knock on the door, but this knock sounded weird, it sounded as if the person who knocked had tiny hands. Chrystal is sitting and is saying she's too lazy to open it so I open it. I was shocked to see her standing there. I literally leaped towards her and gave her a huge hug. She was so small when I hugged her that her feet weren't even touching the floor. I was so happy that day. The next day me and her hung out and went to deposit her check, unfortunately she sprained her ankle on a dip in the floor. It was like that for weeks. The next weekend we had a kickback with everyone we liked, and after Ciera was really drunk, I didn't know she had a drinking problem. She ran to the bathroom and I already knew, I ran to hold her hair back so nothing gets in her hair, she was mumbling for me to leave because she didn't want me to see her like this, I told her "shut up, even like this you look fine". She smiled and continued to throw up. She mumbled this was the worst pain she's ever been in and she didn't know why she drank Soo much. I felt extremely bad, I'm the one who handed her the bottle, I kept the bottle going. I put her to bed and laid with her till she fell asleep. As soon as she passed out I grabbed my bag and some notebooks and pencils, and went to my spot in the back of shadow mountain high school track field. I climbed the building and stared at the Stars. I was always fascinated by space, and I stared at the Stars for about a half hour. I started thinking about Ciera and I wanted to write a song about something I loved, luckily I got two things I loved, space and her into one song. I wrote about six pages but kept fucking up, eventually I had the words come to me and I began hearing the sound of the words come from my heart. So I wrote and wrote until I heard a limping drunk girl calling me from down below. She started to climb up with a sprained foot. She was half drunk and half sober. She and I talked and I told her about how I felt bad and she told me she was sorry for not telling me she had drinking problems. I didn't tell her about the song, not yet. She convinced me to come down and I did. Though it wasn't an accident or at McDonald's, she told me she loved me and she didn't want to lose me. I zoned out and asked her to say it again, I had to hear it again. And I heard her say it again. My heart was pounding loudly in my head. I took her to bed and fell asleep next to her. The next couple days I didn't see her much because she had a lot of work. At the time she was working at some place I never knew of. I always wanted to go but just never got around to it. The next weekend she wanted Chrystal to sleep at her house so I had the house to myself. It was quiet until I got home, I was blasting my music, recording, dancing in the kitchen making some ramen noodles. Me and Chrystal lived off ramen for a while, but it was ok we both loved ramen. Ciera had came over on the weekend and she slept next to me on the floor, things started getting intense and sexual, I stared at her face to face and we both knew this is what we wanted. Our first time, I played music because Chrystal and Adam were in the other room and I gave them a heads up in what was happening to not come out. Instead of regular sex I decided this was the girl I loved she deserved my love. It wasn't sex it was love making. The song "call out my name" by the weekend was playing and that became out song. The next day I asked Ciera when she was gonna sleep over again, I had something I wanted to show her another one of my special spots. When she had finally came over I made sure she was sleeping so I could check if everything was good at my spot, so I left at midnight and took my bike over there. I loved being up there, it wasn't the top of the mountains but it was still pretty high and the view of the Stars was to die for. Everything was set I left my speaker up there so we could play music up there. When I finally got back she was awake and scared. She said she had been looking for me. U could tell she was afraid to lose me. I told her I had a place to take her, she followed me without question like a little puppy. When we parked she said it looked scary, I told her everything would be fine. She had wrapped herself in a blanket and got out the car. When we got up I laid the blanket in the floor and laid down. She cuddled up next to me and we stared at the stars, it was the first time I've ever done something like that with someone. I was happy she was the first true love. We stayed up there for about three hours just listening to music and listening to each other. When we finally got down we both were hungry like fat assess that we were so we stopped at McDonald's. When we got back everyone was sleeping so we just laid back down like nothing happened. When we woke up Ciera had to go school, she gave me a kiss and left. The next weekend is was fucking crazy hot. Me and Chrystal decided to go swimming. Ciera had stopped by with some papers. She was applying for jobs, she applied for three I think but she wanted the one at Oreganos. I never knew where she lived and I was lurking to find out and I finally saw her write it out. She tried her hardest to cover it up. The next day we had a kickback. Me and Chrystal always threw the best kickbacks. There was moose, Dominick, Chrystal, Adam, Josh, Chrystal, khyra, me, Exxon, and Bryce. I trusted Ciera so I let her do whatever she wanted, I saw her talking to everyone, that's just who she is, she says hi to everyone with a big smile and a wave. Ciera had also known me, at the time I was a hot head with anger issues. She knew if there was an issue I'd deal with it violently. So she waited till everyone left to tell me that someone tried to kiss her. I was furious, I was going crazy, she wouldn't tell me who. I was crossing people off a list. Adam had Chrystal so I know it wasn't him. Josh is way to ugly and stayed in the corner the entire time. Moose is just not the type, and Dominic had somebody as well. Which left it to two people and I started hating those people. After that I didn't see much of either of them for a while, they stopped coming to the park. After that Ciera had wanted to stop by her house and invited me in. When I walked in I was bomb rushed by two dogs, Roxi and Sam. They both were big dogs, and they were both playful. I liked Roxi because I had met her before, but I haven't seen Sam before and I was trying to meet him more. We took Roxi so she could meet peanut butter. Roxi thought she was still a baby, so she didn't know her size. So when she first me peanut butter she wasn't really used to seeing a puppy, so we held her back a little. Peanut butter was crazy tho he went after her head on. Me and ciera laughed but we still tried to hold her back just in case. After a while they got used to each other. August twenty first and chrystals parents had came and saw she hadn't paid rent, and her father had came from New York and decided to take her back to New York. That was a really hard night for everyone. I tried talking to her dad for an hour straight, convincing him she was fine here but he was stubborn and I could relate knowing how stubborn people are. I finally stopped and sat back knowing I tried everything and still failed. I hate crying but I was in tears, I was screaming in my head. I couldn't do anything. I felt helpless. I gave Chrystal her hug that night and made a promise to Ciera that same day to make this day feel a little better. I promised her that in five years or so we would get married. With Chrystal gone I had to live back to my mom's house. I hated that, I loved my mom with everything but she never let me do anything. When Chrystal left the responsibility of peanut butter came to me. From that day on I gave my everything to that dog and made sure he was happy. He was still potty training so I had to clean a lot of poop and pee. My mom hated that dog, but I didn't care. He was mine and I was willing to go thru hell for that dog, and I did. My mom would hit me all the time because of that dog. For the first couple weeks he slept on the bed with me, he would always cuddle next to my face. One day I went to the bathroom and came back and he wasn't on the bed. I got scared I looked for him all over, finally I found him under the bed where he pulled a blanket down there as if he made himself a little spot. After that I let him stay under there. One day he went to my mom's room and took a big shit. My mom freaked out and told me to get rid of him. I didn't know what to do. I asked Ciera if she could watch him for a while. She was excited to, she called the dog her son, and I smiled happily. Roxi, her dog was getting excited about another new dog staying over. When I came back the next morning they were all comfortable with each other and they had been play fighting. Roxi quickly learned to not be rough with peanut butter. When I came the next morning Kris was making some biscuits and gravy. I've never had it or at least to my knowledge. But it was amazing, I loved it. We all sat down by the table and it was kinda like a family that I was being introduced to. I was confused on why I never really fully experienced this. I paused in the moment, as if I froze time itself and just stared at the whole scenery. When we finished Me,Ciera and peanut butter all went back to her room and laid on her bed. I started rapping words into my head but they couldn't form right. I was getting frustrated so I closed my eyes and went back into that moment in the kitchen. I looked over at her and saw her trying to fit as much food in her mouth as she could. I made a little smile. Looking at myself I always thought I was a devil. "I'm a demon, shes an angel" came to me. From that point she smacked me back into reality and I would work on forbidden lust another time, but I had a start which was good. On any side of the bed there was always a box of goldfish, and if there wasn't one in the room I put one there. We both loved eating, and I mean we were fatassess. It was crazy but Everytime we would get ready to go to the park we would stick up on snacks as if we were gonna be there for days. She ALWAYS had a bag of Takis and I had my big bag of goldfish. After that we would head over the the park and chill with all of our friends. The next couple of days I wanted to find a job because I hated being at home. So I asked Ciera to help me, she had way better handwriting than I did so i asked her to fill out the applications. She was getting irritated at me because I wasn't filling any of them out. I kept trying to tell her that I didn't have the best handwriting, but my foot went in my mouth when she started giving me shit. I went off saying she didn't have to help and she could go if she wanted to. I didn't mean it and I saw the disappointment in her face. I immediately apologized and asked her if she could fill out one more. She did and then we left to make things better between us. My birthday was a day I never liked celebrating only cuzz of personal reasons, but Ciera intended we celebrate. I really really didn't want to, but for her I would've done anything so I agreed. On my birthday I received $250 and I didn't really want anything for myself. There was a new store in the mall that had all these birthstones and special stones made into rings and I took Ciera in to look at our birthstones, the lady helped us point out which one was ours. We had peanut butter with us and he was meeting the two other dogs inside the store. After we left I told Ciera I had to get something from Spencer's and asked her to meet me back there, but really I went to go buy her birthstone in a ring, there was a security guard there inside the store and he helped me tell a little lie until she sat down right in the middle of the mall and forced me to tell her what I did. The security guard was telling a great lie about another girl and she freaked out, I pulled out the ring and laughed and said there was no other girl because she was the only girl I would ever want. She started to cry and she turned around to the guard and started yelling at him, but he knew she was joking. The ring came in a gold box, which we kept it in because the ring wasn't perfectly sized yet. After the mall we went to chilli's because there was a "special surprise" over there but I didn't know where we were going. When passing by I noticed a familiar blue mustang parked at chilli's, I knew where we were going. I smiled and immediately screamed out we're going to chillis. She couldn't hold it in and smiled confirming it. When we got in they had already seated Gabi and Paul, they pointed us to the table. Paul had pulled out a present and in it was a nice shirt, the other gift was juul starter kit from Ciera and Gabi. After chilli's me and Ciera left to go to my house, I had texted my mom saying Ciera would like to spend a birthday with me. She was excited to finally celebrate a birthday. When we went over there they had brought out a cake with Oreos on it. Something smelled minty like toothpaste. I could tell by the discoloration that the "icing" wasn't icing, but toothpaste instead. Ciera made me a deal if she ate one Oreo with toothpaste that I would have to eat one too. I accepted the deal and watched her cringe with the taste. After she finished it was my turn. I picked up the Oreo and swallowed it as fast as I could, cringing with the weird mixture of cookie and toothpaste. The next four days went the same, it was always waking up going to school, going home, leaving for the park and wait for Ciera to get off work. Some nights she had the day off so she would chill at my place. One time she came in unexpected while I was in the living room blasting music. I was playing Spanish love songs. I wanted to dance with her so I forced her to dance with me but she wouldn't budge. Eventually I got a five second dance that I was ok with. Even tho it was short it was amazing those five seconds nothing mattered just me and her with music. I looked at her and smiled. Whenever Ciera got off work she would visit me before she went home, this one time I left the door open because I knew I was gonna fall asleep. I was passed out and the next thing I felt was being pushed off the couch by her. I fell on the floor and she took the blanket away from me, smiling as I was in pain. She usually brought a baked cookie from her work, half macadamia and half chocolate chip. We would always get one and split it. She would always come over every night after work and I was there to see her for the little time I got her. This one night it was raining and I was sleeping on the couch, I saw the door open and Ciera was standing there dripping wet and freezing. I immediately hugged her and put her under my Mexican blanket. She pushed me away because she didn't want me to get cold, but I didn't care. I hugged her tight always smelling the flavors of the restaurant, tomatoes and spaghetti. The next weekend Ciera and her dad had invited me to go have dinner with them at a bar with her parents friends. I could not have been more excited. I started smiling helplessly. I waited all day to go, and when it was time we got in the car and was on our way. Her dad was already there so we went to go meet them there, we accidentally drove past the bar about 3 times. When we finally got there we walked in and there was her parents and all their friends drinking. We we're gonna have tacos. I looked over at Ciera and smiled and she couldn't help but smile even bigger. The bar allows smoking inside so after a while me and Ciera went outside for some air. After we went out her dad followed us and showed us his friends new bike. Ciera said that he didn't have bells. I looked over at her crazy looking and giving her the wondering face. She immediately looked at her dad and asked him to tell me the story of the bells. They pulled up the story and I was interested, I was all ears listening to both of them go on and on about this biker belief. It's was great. I learned something new. We went back inside and eat tacos. After we finished we asked if we could go back to the house and watch some tv. They had agreed and we left. A couple days go by and I break the news to everyone that I was moving to Tempe. Ciera started crying and said we were done. Point blank to my face. I felt my heart crack hard. I didn't understand, I was so confused. I told then I'd visit everyday but still. She couldn't do long distance even if it was only next city over. I tried my best to tell her it wasn't the same as her ex. After hours of talking and discussing I got her to smile and laugh and told her everything would be fine. I could see in her eyes she believed me and took some faith into me. This was a huge step in the right way I thought. The next day she was there helping us move. I was happy she was there. She was actually sitting around while me and my brother Anthony filled the truck. I was putting my bed into the truck and I look over and see her playing with my littlest brother Aiden, I got a glimpse as if I was looking into the future and pretended as if we had our own family. I pictured her with our kids and knew she'd be a great mother some day. I smiled and closed up the truck. My mom drove the truck while I drove our car to the new place. It was completely packed to the point where I couldn't see out the rearview mirror. Everything was perfect and fine, me and Ciera was blasting music and singing to the music. When we hit the highway some guy wouldn't let me thru and we almost crashed a little but everything fixed itself. When we got to the new place I was looking around and the first thing I see is an ice cream shop. I thought after we finished I would take ciera there. We started unpacking and we were tired after the first hour. I had asked my mom to get some drinks at the store, she said yes and I asked for the keys to the car again. She looked at Ciera and asked if she could drive and asked if she could go. I was in awe, full mouth wide open shocked. Ciera went and when she came back smirked at me knowing I wanted to go. My mom wanted me to go to the store to fill up two five gallon water bottles, so me and Ciera went to Walmart. On the way there we just talked laughing and kissing Everytime there was a red light. I had made it a rule to get a kiss every time it was a red light. She loved it. When we got to Walmart we were like little kids shopping for food and snacks. She got on the cart and I pushed. I started to record and I was only looking thru my phone camera instead of paying attention to the actual store. I started speeding up joking around and she started getting nervous, telling me to stop or at least slow down. Eventually I did but only because we had to check out. On the way back I turned the radio on and Lady Gaga was playing. Poker face. I started singing and she gave me a questionable face, smiled and started singing along. After we finished all that it was around 6:30 so we asked if we could go and we'd be back later. My mom said yes and we we're off, I told Ciera before we got into the car to stop. She was confused thinking I forgot something in the house, I told her I wanted to take her on a date. She didn't hear me or she did and just wanted me to repeat it again. We walked into the ice cream shop across the lawn and was looking at this weird sign about the flavors, I won't lie I was confused at first but slowly got the hang of their sign. We both got a pineapple flavored ice cream, she made a sexual joke, or what I thought it was a joke. She was happy and crazy at the same time. I was completely lost in how I could have this. I was happier then I've ever thought I could be. We got to the park and nobody was there so we left to go talk about that Ice cream joke. After that we drove me back home and Ciera left afterwards to go home. On the weekend me and Ciera went to the mall. Ciera had seen that my necklace was getting old, so we went to Spencer's to see new ones. Ciera was in the mood to steal them. I looked at her with a crazy look, shocked and asked her if she was joking. When I started dating Ciera she made me stop everything bad. I wouldn't drink, smoke, do anything illegal, and now all of the sudden she wanted us to steal? I was laughing as she started to rip the necklace off the hook. We both took one for each other and sprinted for the door. We gave each other necklaces once we got outside the mall doors. Hers was all black and silver circular beads. Mine was similar but for greys instead of blacks. That was a great day, we both were smiling and starting into each other I swear we could've had a starting contest and we would've been there for years starting at each other. Ciera had taken peanut butter the next few months and her dog, Roxi, was binding perfectly with him. They would always fight and play but Roxi knew how to be gentle. I would take a two hour bus ride to her house every morning just to see her and peanut butter. Sometimes when I would get there she would still be sleeping and I would sit and talk with her parents for a while and then go ask then if I could wake her up. She was always wrapped up like a burrito in my Mexican blanket. It was always funny for me to wake her, sometimes I would shake her, sometimes I would just kiss her and let her wake up peacefully, other times I would just watch her sleep. She was amazingly beautiful while sleeping. But eventually I would have to wake her up so her parents don't think something was going on. When she did finally wake up Kriss had made some biscuits and gravy for breakfast. I loved them. Ciera had eaten two plates by the time I had finished one. She was filling her mouth looking like a little gerbil. Afterwards we would go hangout with her friends or watch some TV or chill in her room. I didn't care what we did as long as I was with her. Most days went by fast staying at her place. I would usually be there till the last minute I could. The busses stopped running into Tempe by 10:30 so I always left by 10. She'd always wait with me at the bus stop till the bus came. Once I got into the bus she'd wait till I was home waiting for my text. Sometimes the busses would stop early and I'd have to walk a good 7 miles home. But I didn't care I would run just so she doesn't worry about me. Most days I would leave by Ten and make it home by 11:30, on other days I would have to run and get home around 1. I was just happy that peanut butter didn't have to run with me. The one time he had to run home with me his lazy ass kept stopping and I had to pick him up. Imagine walking down the street seeing a guy with a dog in his hands running, I was looking crazy but I had to get home. I asked if Ciera could take peanut butter for a while or at least find a place for him. She asked her friends if they could watch him but in the mean time he stayed with her. While he was there it made things a little easy for me. I would video call every night to see how they were doing and I was happy to see her and peanut butter cuddled up in my blanket. It brings a different type of happiness, it really got me thinking about a family with ciera. I never ever wanted marriage but with ciera she changed my outlook on life and things around me. I had always thought love that fucks you up was a lie and overreactions from people blinded by emotions, but that wasn't the case I had my whole world fucked up because of love. While peanut butter was with her he had always somehow managed to get into trouble and smooth his way out of it with his cute eyes. It was June 2nd and me and Ciera were on the phone like we usually were and she was being hesitant to ask me something. I could tell by the way she was talking that it was really really important to her so I told her to take a breath and tell me what was on her mind. After a while she mumbled a question. "Do you wanna go with me to meet my mom and sister?". I was beyond words at that moment. I was going crazy with happiness flooding my body. I said yes and she put on the biggest smile I had ever seen from her. This was a really huge step for us in my mind. The next day I met her at her place and talked with her dad. He was gonna take Kris and me and ciera were gonna take her car. They left before us but we got there before them, but we waited in the car for some reason. I was confused on what was going on, then I see her hitting her juul really hard as if she was gonna die without it. She then hid her juul gave me a ton of kisses knowing she wasn't gonna be able to kiss me inside. After a couple minutes we got out the car and slowly walked towards the house. She was terrified and I could easily spot it.when we got to the garage I saw a familiar person. I was looking at cieras sister and they looked almost identical. It was crazy and cool to me. They hugged and talked quickly before she asked where her mom was. After her sister I was a little hesitant but I met her mom. I knew that if I looked like a bad influence or person things would be bad, so I went all "gentlemanly". After talking to her mom for a bit I went to go find ciera, she was changing into a swimsuit so everyone could go swimming. I didn't have anything so ciera's sister brang me some shorts, but they were short. I was staring at myself in the mirror laughing at how short they were. I was trying to hype myself up to go outside. After a few minutes I hear a small knock on the door, just by the sound of the small knock I could tell ciera was there. She was waiting for me and told me to hurry. I opened the door and let her in. She saw nothing wrong with the shorts and kissed me and pulled my hand out the door. We all played in the pool for about an hour and a half then after that it was time to eat. Before we eat we all stood and held hands to pray and congratulate ciera's brother who had passed 2 years of sobriety. After eating all the spaghetti I could I looked for ciera and she was getting ready to go, we told her dad and Kris we were leaving and walked to the car. When we got back to ciera's house I told her about my impression of her mom, ciera hated her mom and I understood why. I also told her about the little talk me and her mom had and for some reason she had blown up like a firey explosion. She was going crazy and I was confused why. After a couple hours she calmed down, I was still confused why she would go ballistic on me like that, especially over something so little like a talk with her mom. I asked her and she told me a little bit more about her relationship with her mom, I had already knew almost everything but there was still some things I didn't know. After that talk I pulled her in to cuddle and we fell asleep for a little in her bed. Peanut butter was making trouble at one of ciera's friends house so he moved back into ciera's house for a bit. On June 27th it was around midnight and I was on the phone with ciera and she was looking for her retainer for hours now, she always lost it. But she hangs up the phone so she can fully focus on searching for her lost retainer. After half an hour later I get a text saying she had found it and that our dog had been chewing on it the whole time. I was balling on the floor laughing because it was a situation that only he could get into. Ciera's dad had came into the room one day and had told us that he had a job for us, I was kinda happy he wanted is to do something. He wanted us to scrap the old ceiling off the extra room in thier house. The room had an old popcorn cover for the ceiling and it was pretty easy to take it off once it was wet. Ciera had also asked bean and Casey to help. I never really liked Casey that much but I knew she meant a lot to ciera so I kept trying to make it work. This time me and Casey actually we're having fun spraying each other and throwing ceiling at each other, and we even had a little competition to see who can scrape the biggest piece off, eventually I won but only because im really stubborn and wouldn't loose. I don't think we fully finished the ceiling because we always just left it half way done. In the extra room ciera had a piano and I saw ciera playing, I always loved it when she would play, so I tried learning. At first I was shit, absolute shit, but I started listening to what she was saying, teaching me all the keys and notes. I learned how to play location by Khalid. It was great I felt good learning something new. A couple days later me and ciera are in the phone and she hangs up for some reason. I was confused and shocked she didn't even say anything. A couple minutes later she calls back saying her parents had came home from the bar and they were drunk drunk. She sent me a couple videos of her dad playing the piano drunk. It was hilarious watching someone drunk play an instrument. After that days usually went by fast and smooth, no drama. A couple weeks go by and then Casey's birthday is coming up and ciera tells me she's gonna go stay the night at the Point. I was a little sad but it was her friends birthday so I was ok with it. She had invited me to join the party but I'd have to leave afterwards once it was time to go home. I wanted to be with her so I happily agreed. I had been to the Point once and it was fun. When we got there she couldn't find the little Casita that we were staying in. It took about ten minutes to actually find the spot and another ten to find parking. When we parked I could see ciera freaking out, I pulled her to the side and asked her what was going on. She had told me about her ex "McNutt" and how this place reminded her of him. She was loosing it and I didn't like it. I knew how it felt to be in an amazing place and not have fun and I didn't want her to go thru that, especially since I was her boyfriend and it was my job to give her the world and happiness. I honestly never knew how to give advice at all, I've never really done it before because I usually stood by myself. But I gave it my all for her. I told her to erase or overwrite those bad memories with new great ones. She looked at me with those beautiful big brown eyes and took my advice to heart. She was having a great time unpacking her night clothes. A couple minutes later Casey had came down from the second story and brought a terrible shitty game with her. I completely forgot the name of it. It was a mouth game where you put this nasty piece of plastic in your mouth and try to say words while the others guess. Once I put it in it looked like I was at the dentist, it looked ridiculous but funny. Ciera and I had a little pre-game before trying it with other people. I picked up a card and it said something ridiculously long and confusing so I said "I love you" instead trying to be cute. After ten seconds she already guessed what I was saying. We played that game for about thirty minutes before everyone arrived to the party. We all changed into our bathing suit and headed to the wristband stand to get our passes to the water park in the back of the point. Ciera and I went straight in together to this little waterfall and stood behind it and kissed trying to make it a romantic spot for us. After that we went up too to go in some rides they had and then eventually to the tube ride. The tube ride they had went all around the whole park and it was long and huge. After a couple hours we all got hungry and decided to go back to eat. At that point it was getting late so we all ate quick while Casey's parents brought out the cake. We all sat down and sang Happy birthday and started making jokes. About an hour later everyone was getting ready to go to the jacuzzi, ciera and I were getting ready to take me back home. Before I left I took Soo much snacks it was funny. I found out a couple days later some other girl got blamed for then instead of me. The next weekend my mom was heading to Cali to visit my cousin for a couple days and I was going with her. We would leave Thursday and return Tuesday morning. Ciera was sad that I was gonna be gone for so long, but knew I would return. I hung out with her for as long as I could, trying to maximize every second with her. While I was in Cali I was always texting her every chance I could and calling her in the night so I could hear her voice. While in Cali I saw this little shop for couples and I went in to get a gift. When ciera had came back to me on March she had told chrystal that she had bought me a gift. I was wondering for days what the gift was. But I wanted to do the same for her. I looked at all the gifts and they didn't seem special enough, nothing did. Instead of a lame gift I thought it would be better if I gave her something more personal, so I bought a card and wrote a paragraph inside. I waited so long to give it to her but when I had arrived back it didn't seem like the time to. I waited till her birthday to give it to her, but things were different at that point, I'll get to that in a bit. In August 11th I had to go into the hospital for a cast and for some doctors to re-brake my bones to put them in the right spot. A couple weeks prior to that I had gotten into a fight with an old friend. I had fractured my knuckle bones and they had split in half. When I went in to get an x-ray the doctors told me one of the little pieces had healed the wrong way so they had to brake it and put it back normally. I went in on the 11th and waited for hours. They pumped me up with so much drugs I was slurring and beginning to act stupid. I must've passed out or blacked out a little after because I woke up with them sitting me down and hand wrapping a special cast on my whole arm. When I was high I saw I had texted an old person I never liked and was saying something retarded and I felt terrible about it but I kept it to myself because I didn't think it was that big of deal especially since I wasn't even me at the time while texting. About two months later ciera goes thru my phone and I allow her to because I had nothing to hide, I completely had forgotten about the texts but I really wasnt trying to hide it either, but she scrolled to the bottom of my messenger messages and read the texts. She went from smiling to straight in awe. I saw it and asked her what repeatedly. I saw the message she was reading and knew what she was gonna think. I kept trying to explain it to the best of my ability but she wasn't listening to my voice anymore, like she had drowned my voice out. It hurt and I felt my heart break a little. She told me everything was fine and then waited till I had to go home to call me in the middle of the night and said we were done. I lost it. I was gonna go insane on why she would tell me like that. I was honestly contemplating suicide but I knew I had Soo much stuff relying on me. I kept trying to get her to stop being immature and sit down and let me explain but if I talked about it she wouldn't listen or leave me on read, the bad part she never even wanted to see me or even be in the vicinity of me. Anyways I was an wreck emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually. I lost my bestfriend and my happiness. But I went on like this for the next year and a half, I was always fluctuating between good and bad. I had gotten this job at just sports and ciera had helped me get that job so she knew I was working there, so when she decided to bring her friends and a guy named kevin in it shocked me. The first thing I noticed is that they were holding hands so I thought maybe she was trying to hurt me or make me wanna feel that pain. As soon as she made eye contact with me she looked over at Kevin and told them to leave. I went to the back room and punched my hand on the back door, it was solid hard metal so nothing would break but my hand. I thought maybe this was a mistake she had made. But when it happened twice I knew she had to have known what she was doing to me. After that day I stopped trying to care for her and tried to erase everything from my mind but love is a very strong thing and you can't just get rid of it no matter how hard you tried. After work I went to the park like I usually do and I had seen ciera's friend Cory there. I had only met her once before and she was like a crazy funny chill person. She came over to the table that Gabi Paul and I were sitting at and started talking to me. At first I didn't want to talk to her because I know she was bestfriends with ciera so I tried not to talk, but she knew I was in pain and came to me slowly we started talking and hanging out more and more. On October 30th I really didn't want to go home and I wanted to be out and Cory didn't want to go home either. I said fuck it and came up to her and said "you wanna chill with me, I really don't wanna go home and I could really use a distraction from my pain". I could tell she knew what I was going through and immediately jumped to the idea of hanging out. We decided to walk to the Ranch Sierro apartments and chill in that area. Out of nowhere she asked if we should go swimming, neither of us really had a bathing suit but she said I have boxers and she had her bra so it was fine. I had no problem undressing just because I was in pretty good shape and I wasn't insecure about my body. So I talk all my clothes off instead of my boxers and we went in the hot tub. We had so much fun and the amount of stars that had came out that night was crazy. I always loved the stars and had a crazy love for space. Staring at the stars and all the sudden it hit me. I felt a sharp stab in my heart because I knew it should have been ciera with me. It should have been her. I didn't want to ruin the fun so I buried the pain deep and tried not to show it. I forgot about ciera a bit and believed I was having fun and for once I actually felt it. It was a nice change. After that me and Cory started getting closer and closer and eventually started dating. I didn't really like telling people about my music but I was sin the middle of writing a song and she was bugging to find out who I was. She eventually found out I was kuzu, and she loves my music like crazy, as did everyone. I felt weird about showing people my music but I tried it and so I went to the park and sat at my table. Cory had came with me and she wanted to hear more of my music so I played it out loud. Out of nowhere ciera had came with Kevin again and I immediately felt a heartbreak again. Why would she come? She knew I was there. I tried to drown out my thoughts with my music so I raised the volume. And then it happened. A song started playing, "Old days" and I hesitated hard and made eye contact with her walking back from the bathroom. I could see the pause in her too, like we both got lost as soon as it started playing. Cory had noticed this and tried to make me feel better but it was something you can't just put back together and glue it up. After that I saw less and less of ciera, which I thought was good so I couldn't be in pain 24/7. The next weekend ciera come to the back of the park to talk to me. We talked for a little but I tried to not show pain so I smiled a lot and laughed a little. She had told me she was drinking again and I got angry. She was such a smart person, why the fuck would she waste that shit on something as stupid as alcohol. She even had the nerves to offer me some after I told her I was trying to sober up. That really out a lot of pressure on me. It was like giving an addict meth when they've been sober for 2 years. There's Soo much pressure to just give in and I almost did, but I didn't. Ciera and I made this little thing called a pretzel which means that eventually we would be back together. We used a pretzel because a pretzel always connects back to the other piece no matter where you start. After we talked we hugged for a really really long time. She was the perfect size because she was only tall enough to stand up to my chest so she could hear my heart beat. She was hugging me hard and I was doing the same. Months pass by and Cory and I have broken up because I couldn't handle being in a relationship with anyone. And I focused on getting money and working out at the gym. I was motivated to keep my mind busy to not think of ciera. The next weekend I went to a therapist and she had prescribed me some antidepressants. I never really taken antidepressants so it was a new experience to me. It was weird because I went happy for hours at a time and then get really really bad suicidal thoughts when they wore off. After a couple weeks of taking the pills I went back to my therapist and she doubled my dose since they started to wear off. I was starting to feel the happiness again for a moment. After that I was fine thanks to my friends really helping me out. One weekend I was running late to work because I had over slept so I ordered an Uber to get to work and my friend jon who was also my boss kept calling me to find out where I was, I told him on my way. A couple minutes later he called again and I picked up immediately saying "I'll be there soon". But I heard crying, I looked at the number and it wasn't his. I was shocked to hear ciera's voice. She was scared and terrified. A little while before I had gotten a message from Gabi telling me that someone had broken into ciera's window and scared the living shit out of her. They had waited all night until her dad had left. I felt bad because this was someone I loved and seeing her crying and terrified hurt a little. We talked on the phone a little and I did what I do best and made her feel better. I never found out who broke into her window but I lied to everyone and said it was a crazy girl. I only lied because she was loosing her mind because she didn't know who to look for. The paranoia was getting to her so I lied to make her feel better. I didn't think that little lie would get the cops called on me. They had stopped me and asked me questions as if I was a suspect. I asked them who said it was me and the cop was really nice and told me a girl crying had called the cops and named me. I wasn't mad at her for naming me but it was a little annoying having to deal with that for a couple hours. After that I really tried to be away from her only because I didn't want to go to jail for something I didn't do. A couple month pass by and everything it mostly going well, until one day out of the blue a random number started texting me. I didn't recognize the number so I looked up the area code and it was from Nevada. I had heard from Gabi that the same number was harassing ciera. The number had asked me to help harass her. I declined and went one with my day. I tried to avoid the drama but I had an itch to find out who it was in the other side. I had learned how to track phone with number and how to view a lot of information using the IP address. I looked at the everything and had found out a lot of shit I didn't like. There was a lot of things wrong and I didn't know if I wanna be in that drama. I tried not to be and left it alone. A couple days later I had woken up to a call in the middle of the night, my friend John was calling saying that he heard a couple guys were going. To go to ciera's house to hurt her or fuck with her over something she had done to them. I couldn't believe it because I wanted to sleep mostly but I went anyways. I packed my knife and my gun just in case and rode my longboard over there. It was 3 am and I was starting to fall asleep so I bought some coffee before going to her place. When I had gotten there I was coming from the back so I didn't really see anything at first and started to walk away but then I heard two guys talking and decided to look at them. They were walking down larkspur and they were looking at ciera's house, I just assumed they were there to do something so I went up to them and told them if they tried anything I would have to interrupt them. I looked in thier eyes and we all knew what was about to go down. The first guy didn't wait and swung at me immediately. He didn't hit me but the other one was coming at me as well. During us fighting some old lady had passed by and saw us and I'm assuming she was the one who called the cops because 10 minutes after she passed the cops were swarming the area. One of the guys was in the floor and the other was running. I had my gun in my backpack and a knife on me and I was covered in blood. So I just ran instead of getting caught. The cop was following me with his car and pointing a light but I just ran into peoples backyard jumping over walls to get away faster. The amount of adrenaline that was pumping into me was crazy, I could hear my heartbeating like crazy. I ran to hidden park and stayed there for a while. After a couple hours I had left and went home. The next day I had called my friend to take my gun for a while and she did because I could always count on her to hold my secrets. After all that happened I felt bad for ciera, so I stayed up all nights to watch her house. In all honesty I still believe it was a waste of time but if she was good then I guess it wasn't. I would stay up for 2 weeks and guard her house. I knew her bf Kevin was not really a fighter type, so how could he protect her. I had also felt like a little bit if the problem was that I didn't help whoever hurt ciera. Getting the cops called on you when all your doing is helping someone really makes me see the ungratefulness in ciera. Then again what she didn't know everything that was going on, I was shielding her from that but also getting stabbed in the back as well from the one I was protecting. I only wanted her to be happy wether it was me or not. I didn't really care if we were dating or not I wanted us to at least be friends and talk like we used to before we dated. At the end of the day the only thing I want is for her to be happy, if I could take a time machine and do it all over again I would faster then a heartbeat. If she says shes happier away from me then damn well I'ma stay away. If she calls me and says come over as a friend I'll be there for her. So that's our story and that's basically how it went, I might've missed a couple small things but that could be for another time or another story. Hope you enjoyed because this shit took forever to write. Thanks fam
