So I tend to think out loud and at this specific time I was think about how I don't think one of my friends relationship will last. Well turns out this was one of those times I was thinking out loud and he was apparently behind me at this time and it made him mad. So when I went to go talk to him he sent me away not wanting to see me. Then I feel like a piece of trash. Then he sent me this.
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And I feel like even more garbage because I want to talk to him but my fear, anxiety and overthinking overtake me and I physically can't talk to him. I tried to today but as soon as he got close I got scared and ran away.
He also doesn't understand that this isn't just emotions, I'm currently reliving a horrible thing i went through in which it was really similar to this and I fear they will end the same. And to top that all off I was scared to face him in class that I didn't go to class which made him even more pissed at me and now I feel like the biggest piece of garbage in the world. I was doing so well to....how depressing.
Oh ya and to add to all of this his friend trevor is gonna probably hate me more meaning the people he hangs with are gonna hate me meaning I'm gonna be the hot new joke for them all and then it's slowly gonna spread and everyone's gonna laugh then I'm gonna lose more friends because they don't wanna be made fun of because of me. Then I'm back to sad and all alone me and I'm stuck at the bottom of the pit again. I don't wanna be their again.
So in the end it seems that I can't escape the eternal pit I have been doomed to dwell in.
Now I know some of you maybe saying well just go talk to him it's not that hard. Well for me it is because with one wrong word I could ruin the whole friendship which is pertifying and I tend to use comedy to mask a lot of my emotions for that is just how I grew up so being sincere is really hard for me.
Meaning thinking of a sincere way to approach this situation is really hard for me to do. So I've got no idea what to do and I'm starting to feel sick from all of this anxiety but if I stay home because I'm sick he might think I was trying to avoid him also resulting in the end of are friendship so I've go no clue what to do.
Oh ya and none of this help my depression at all. Ya see I was doing really good at not harming myself until all this stuff went down and well tonight I burned myself so looks like I'm back to square one and all my progress I've made this last year has gone to waste so that's lovely.
Anyways I'm gonna stop this rant here and I'm sorry for anyone who reads this but hey it might be helpful to anyone who finds themself in my situation (probably not but writing and telling myself this helps so :P) anyways thanks for reading I guess. I'll see you next time my dears! ෆ╹ .̮ ╹ෆ
