[Not]

ITS STUPID! How you think everybody just has to watch you and listen to every little stupid thing you have to say. Like honestly? Who cares? I mean in a way I do I guess. Just like how you can say you hate someone. Think of it like that. Yea. That's how I care. Like I hate you. But I dont actually. Just holding on to that hate makes them think about you. Like everything you do they have to watch just so they can find some reason to hate you more than they already do. When you hate someone, they are all you can thing about. I'm the complete opposite. I DONT think about you, like at all. Like you dont even matter to me. When it gets brought up literally all that I can think of to say is, "I care". Just like if you were to hear on the news or someone just say, "oh, that person got ran over". Like your first response is gonna be like, oh that's awful. But probably in reality you could care less. Now, it would be a completely diffrent story if you knew the person. Ya know? So that draws a pretty fine line to how I feel about you. I dont know. That's the truth I probably wouldn't have a first response if I heard you died. I doubt I would have any response at all. I mean we all have everybody in some way. Maybe we hate one of their habits or the things that they do. But we still dont know how we feel. My mind would go absolutely blank if I heard that you died. I know you, or maybe i know that person you used to be. Maybe that's why i wouldn't have a response. Because i didnt know "that" you. Yea we used to talk, and yes we used to be super close. So I guess I cant really predict how I would feel. I would just be devastated that's it, that's the only word I would have to describe how I felt. I wouldn't care but at the same time I would. Ya know?
  Here is an example, have you ever had a really close family member that passed away? I have. My grandmother. 53. Drove off the road. Tree smashed straight through her head.
   Before she died the day before we had an argument about my new pair or pants I colored on with marker. I told her that I never wanted to see her again and that I "hated" her. I came home the next day. My mom came out of her room when I was halfway across the house to my room after I got home from school. She told me straight up. "Granma died this morning". Wanna know my reaction right then? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! My mom started crying more. I just stood there and after about 5 minutes i cant breathe i feel like someone is taking a pair of tweezers and pinching my heart, like really fucking with me. I just collapsed and started crying, screaming. Have you ever laughed so hard you cant breathe and your stomach hurts. Ya.. imagine that just a million times worse. Alot worse.
Now you see if you died, like I said I wouldn't know how I feel just like I didnt know how I felt when she died. I dont know if I would be sad, mad or happy? Maybe i would be sad for myself, mad for myself or happy for you? Maybe you were suffering. And I just left you alone and stopped talking to you. You see, if you died I would feel that piercing pain all over again. Or maybe I wouldn't feel anything at all. I mean anything for a really long time and then eventually I would just break down. I dont know. I Really dont know....anymore.