Hello

Hi

Thought stream. Yes, it's depressing at one point. Yes, I talk about my mental health. If that makes you uncomfortable, feel free to leave.

So basically I had this revelation about how much I hate my mind/how forcefully organized it is so I'm ruining all that in one day.

So this is going to have no editing. Imma just type whatever the frickity frack I want.

Today's ted talk will probably include:

- Writing (mostly)
- People I hate
- Me being an asshole but don't worry, those thoughts will be corrected

Sometimes I like sounding like an over-the-top dystopian novel. I don't care if people think it's annoying, I think it's funny and good inspo.

Anyways so basically I got this idea a whole 20 minutes ago. I was staring at my ceiling, having one of my internal counseling sessions, and I decided AGAIN that this organization thing is a problem.

So basically I grabbed the closest paper I had and wrote. It was a notebook I haven't used in a while.

I haven't written much but that's fine. I wrote something. I wrote what I could of the idea in my head. The rest is kinda just a random gas cloud of inspiration like "hey, hey, you should write me, except you're gonna have to rewrite this repeatedly until you realize what exactly is going on"

Yeah, that's that. Guilty pleasure writing is great. Kinda missed it.

~And now, some angry stuff, because I don't care. It's my Wattpad account~

This is talking to multiple people, majority of which will never see this.

But basically, the gist of what I want to say is: fuck you. Now, there's a scale of the intensity of that fuck you. Most are on the "never talk to me again or I might lose my shit" kinda fuck you, but there's a couple that are on the "hey I'm like a little mad".

Anyways, yeah.

My mind has already moved on from that topic so I will come back to that later

I'm gonna explain why I like fantasy so much since this doesn't fit into a 5 min. conversation. Enjoy:

- My mood shifts a lot. I identify with different characters at different times. There's a lot more diversity in those personalities in fantasy because they're different creatures and I feel like there's a lot more range??? I'm in no way trying to diss other genres. I just think the way characters react can be really different cuz they're not all human and it matches my internal mood better.

- I originally said "I can do whatever I want" as my answer to your question. That still stands but doesn't explain, like, anything. In fantasy you see all these people changing the literal world and they're my age. They get to go out and see the world. I mean, yeah, 99% of the time they're essentially tortured with how hard everything is but still. I just really like reading/writing about that. They live in a world where so much more can happen than here.

- They don't have our current, exact problems. That's it.

~Back to the fUcK yOu~

A collection of what I want to say. This is not for 1 person, just whoever comes to mind first.

Hi, yes, please stop

I know what you're doing.

I know you're lying.

I know the things you say behind my back.

I'm sorry for having a depressive episode. I'm sorry I told you about anything, really.

The indescribable internal conflict you've caused me is crazy. One moment I swear I just want to scream and throw something. Then I pity you.

I'm tired of this act.

I'm tired of "I'm depressed, but you need to shut up about your anxiety because I hate hearing you talk about yourself that way."

How the hell do you think I feel.

Maybe that's my big problem. You don't think about how deep your words will go.

Oh, did I tell you there's so many more reasons?

For the last time, stop the staring, or I will say something to your face. I'm not oblivious, I don't black out, I see you stare.

How it hurts. But it's wrong. You're happy. Sometimes I wonder if this year is goodbye.

~Yeet, new thought stream~

I recently downloaded Spotify and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Kinda hate it, kinda don't, idk.

Also, can I just say how shitty this NaNoWriMo is going to be? For me at least, I'm sure for no one else. It's a constant battle with myself like I haven't written anything in a year now. But I have to live up to what I did last year. I can't manage 1,667 a day. But I should do it. Maybe it'll help.

Idk. It'll be interesting. I'm trying to figure something out where I can't check other people's progress so I can't compare it to mine, but also still use the website to check my average and such. And Preptober will be lasting another 15+ days. Rn I'm just asking myself for 1,667 a day. It will go right to the edge (which I don't want) but right now I average about 1,000 per day and that's not good.

After NaNo, maybe I'll do a spontaneous, 3-novels-at-a-time thing. My attention span on one novel is not good. I need multiple projects to work on, especially now that I'm coming back from a big writing break, but NaNo probably won't allow for that. I want to write a big novel.

We will see how it goes. I need to do more writing for myself, just some bullshit writing, since everything I write is for someone else. I really love sharing my work but I always get so scared of judgement. And before anyone says i wOn'T jUdGe yOu, I appreciate it, but it won't calm my fear.

I don't really worry about characters, if you don't like them that's fine, I do, so I don't care. It's just everything else lol. My writing style, which is not perfected and still needs work, is judged. I still have a lot to figure out. I'm not perfect at grammar rules. There's a lot I don't know and I'm learning. There's a lot of words I use wrong because of what I thought they meant years ago. There is so much I do wrong, and I feel the need to fix all of it because everyone is always judging.

We hit 1000 words. If only I could write like this regularly lol.

I'm also debating getting rid of my stricter outline? Like not completely, but I have 2 outlines: the story split up into bits and pieces and just a rough outline of what needs to happen, and then my intense outline that spells everything out. Might go without the second outline and see what happens. Experimental NaNoWriMo!

Anyway (did you know it's grammatically correct to say "anyway,", not "anyways?". Grammarly hates me for it), I think I'm done lol

Note to self: I'm not gonna edit this. Just slap that publish button. I really wish no one had Wattpad notifs on so I could just type in 100% peace. But that's not the case, so just hit the fucking button and go watch YouTube or something