Huntokar's reading reviews and respectful feedback

Untitled By @LanaJoKing

(I may play with the format in the future but for now I'm going to alternate between what I liked and what needs work. you know so you don't get too high or too low. feel free to let me know if you think something is unfair)

DISCLAIMER: I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO BE A HYPOCRITE, THERE IS A CHANCE THAT I MAY BE BAD A THE THINGS I TELL YOU NEED IMPROVEMENT

+I'll start with what was most obvious about your story, It means a lot to you. You put a lot of yourself into the characters and it really shows to the reader. The passion you put into it really makes it relatable and brings your writing to the next level.

-The first problem is also that It means a lot to you and you ended up putting yourself into the story, I only noticed it in the first act but there were points where Charlie stopped being Charlie and started being the author. It's hard to explain but it was basically a few unintentional fourth wall break (the bad kind not the cutsie Deadpool kind) if that doesn't make sense I can go back into the book and point out an example.

+Your Dialogue is very professional and funny (I mean I don't always find it funny but I admit very different sense of humor than others) I think you mentioned that you have a background in screen writing and it shows. 

-It would be a good idea too keep in mind that screen writing for a show is different from how a character should talk in a book. In a show you have an acter acting the lines and that you can add more drama to them, In book format Your lines might need to be more in line with how people talk. In Untiled this means that the dialogue can be over the top, which many times is hilarious, but at other times its just "Why are they talking like this? this is just a casual conversation."

+I thought Hatred was an excellent character. He performed a lot of typical villain activities (Taunting, giving away information, monologuing, Ect) but he has a motivation behind all of them which is that he was deliberately trying to piss the MC's off so he could corrupt them. I just thought that it was a very fresh take on some very worn out tropes.

-Ultimately it is up to the author how much of their story they want to describe it is usually good form to give a lot of description to important objects/events/characters. The big one that I kept running into was Neptune's Trident, it was a very important piece of the story and I just could never get a good idea of what it looked like exactly. All I could figure out was that it was a golden spear looking thing that somehow was small enough to fit in Charlies pocket. You could have taken a few lines to describe its delicate silver etchings or how the head was attached to the handle with duct tape and gorilla glue and it wouldn't have bothered me at all. 

+Your final few chapters really drew me in, it was a little difficult to understand what exactly what was going on I got the gist of things and I found it difficult to put down even when I really should have been going to bed...

-I'm not really on to talk on the subject but there could be more emotional impact at certain points. When the crew of Sir Ender's ship died I was left wondering if I should be feeling sad about it because A: it happens off screen and B: because I know nothing about these people other than than one of them is named Annie and as a result don't really feel for them when they die.

And that's all folks. I hope I wasn't too critical because it is honestly an amazing original and innovative  work like nothing I've every read. If you're ever feeling down about your skills keep in mind all you learned from writing it and know that you are that much better because of it.