Is it the same for you?

I.

Jamie's P.o.V

Okay.  Today I’m feeling pretty okay. Yeah for most of the people in this freaking world  , the emotional condition “ okay “ is nothing special and it’s their daily cup of tea , but for me it’s quite an  improvement.

I mean,  if you’re feeling like utterly crap every day , this is a pretty good change in things .

I didn’t have the disgusting thoughts while looking at my reflection like always and I was pretty confident with my outfit and overall with my look today . I was even pretty excited to go to school  and see all my friends again ( even if  I just saw them on the weekend haha ).

Getting out of the apartment , I share with my lovely and sometimes crazy mum and her stupid boyfriend Ralph , to catch the bus , I put my headphones in and turned “Chocolate” by the 1975 up.

As I was entering the bus and seating myself , I blended all the stupid people in here out and  enjoyed the smooth voice of my favorite person at the moment  . I never believed that  someone as hot and beautiful could exist until I encountered the band ‘The 1975’ and their lead singer Matty Healy. How is that even possible ?

 Realizing the song has ended , I opened my eyes again and saw that everybody was getting out of the bus and were about to enter the gates of hell ,and so did I, even if my cozy bed seemed a lot better right now . Stepping onto the territory of the devil , I saw three of my best friends , Mary , Vanessa  and Emily sitting on the floor and talking about some random stuff. I greeted them, like always, with a burp in their face and got a warming welcome back ( this friendship ).

I talked with these three idiots until the bell rang and  got immediately up to be in my class on time .

My first lesson is History  and I like this subject pretty much , I mean , I like most of my classmates there and my best friend Dario is in it and .. It’s just perfect .

After 2 hours of the Third Reich and stupid jokes with Dario , I was going to meet my friends at lunch. Entering the cafeteria I spotted them instantly . Making my way to them , I realized Mary was singing some stupid song and randomly dancing to it and Vanessa was laughing pretty hard . This girl is just crazy and too happy but that’s why I love her , she can always light up your mood .

Emily was sitting beside them  hearing music and being in her own world . Emily and I have a lot in common .. All the voices in your head and the anxieties … but I pushed the thoughts of my pretty fucked up self away , because I didn’t want to ruin the day and just wanted to have fun with my friends..

 The school day went pretty well by now and I only had one lesson left and could leave this terrible place afterwards .

As I was making my way to my class , starring absent at the floor , because my thoughts were being far away  (like always) , I bumped into someone and tumbled pretty hard on my ass . At first I wanted to scream at the person infront of me , like wtf , I FELL ON MY F*CKING ASS ! But when I looked up and recognized the person that has bumped into me , I remained silent . It was Jannick . I had a crush on him for pretty long time now and he knows it but never returned my feelings  , since then thing got awkward and I tried to avoid him , because everytime I would see him , my freaking head would tell me that’s all because of me and my body , and I couldn’t stand that… and for my surprise , it happened to be successful to ignore him. 

But now seeing him again and being in his near , that just feels like a kick in the guts . I rapidly got up , apologized and ran as fast as I could to my class.

My day has been ruined . Fantastic !

Sitting in class , I had to suppress the desire of hurting myself , because for me it seemed like the only solution for getting my troubled thoughts away…

 After school , I hurried home and as I was stepping into my apartment I bursted into tears , I wanted to stop but I couldn’t , my demons were screaming in my head and with every sob that escaped my mouth they were getting louder and louder . I ran into my room and got my only resolving to this situation , my razor blade.

I felt so ashamed , I never intended to do this to myself but I can’t stop . This is the only way to keep my demons quiet..