Jaemin the Icy Prince on Campus - Na Jaemin NCT

26. It's Just So Hard

A muscle twitched below his right cheekbone.

"I - kept it."

"Oh?" I twirled my ring absently. "You should just chuck it away, throw it into the recycling bin."

A flicker of pain crossed his face.

"Don't read too much into this," i said lightly, holding up my hand. "I just haven't gone around to getting rid of it. But I will, so don't worry."

"Don't - "

"Don't?"

"Don't look at me like that..."

"Like what?"

"Like you hate me..."

"So how do you want me to look at you then?" 

His mouth was a taut, thin line.

"I'm asking you, how do you want me to look at you then?"

His hands clenched at his sides.

"Like this?" I took a small step towards him, and tilted my face up to his. 

I put my hands on his hips, and raised myself on tiptoe. I put my face close to his, and ran my finger across his lips. He shuddered, and closed his eyes, and I drew away slowly with a faint smile, satisfied.

It was mostly dark in our corner of the backyard except for the glare of the moon and the lights from the patio. Just enough to see him. His beautiful, angular face was even better than I remembered but undoubtedly harder. When he narrowed his eyes toward the house, little wrinkles formed at the corners like he was thinking. Or maybe he was just looking. For Luna.

"Are you sleeping with her?" I asked.

He opened his eyes and stared at me.

"I just wondered." I shrugged.

He didn't say a word.

"Do you pretend that it's me that you're fucking?"

"Stop it." His face was white.

"I don't think it's fair that you're having fun, while here I am, suffering." I said thoughtfully. "So I'm thinking, maybe I should start finding myself a nice guy to help me get over you faster..." I paused for a moment, thinking. "In fact, I think I'm going to start just as soon as I get back home. There's a guy in my class who keeps asking me to go out. And there's another guy in another class who keeps asking for my number. I can't decide who I like more. Maybe I'll date both of them, get them to kiss me, and see who's the better kisser, and then decide...what do you think?"

"Shut up, I said, shut up." He stepped a little closer, his voice hoarse, raw.

"You wouldn't want me to pine for you forever, would you? I mean, it isn't fair, when you're fucking her and  - "

For he had hauled me to him, and was crushing my lips beneath his in a hungry, punishing kiss. He devoured my lips as if he was starving, as if he had been pushed beyond his limits.

He broke the kiss, and ran a hand through his hair.

"God, oh God, Mina. I - I shouldn't have done that, oh God - " His eyes were wild.

All my anger died.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm such an idiot," I whispered. I blinked away my tears. "I just got so jealous, that's all...I hate it, I hate it when she touches you...I know it's over between us, but I'm still acting like a brat. I'm sorry. I pushed you too far. It won't happen again."

"Mina, stop. Just stop." His voice wavered. "Please stop. You don't know what it's like . . . and you're . . ." He pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed out what sounded like, "fucking killing me."

"I miss you so much." I said, and I heard the pain in my voice. "I miss you all the time. It's so hard..." My voice trembled. "It's just so hard to live like this...and when I saw you...and her...and she was touching you, she was  all over you, I just - I just got so - so jealous..." My voice dwindled to a whisper.

He put a hand on my forearm, a touch that put all my hairs on end, and turned it up a little. He ran a fingertip over my small scar. It was dark, but he looked almost longingly at it. "You miss the guy I used to be."

"That's not true."

"This is too hard. You've got to understand." He swallowed. "Mina, it's too dangerous. You don't understand. I - I'm weak around you - "

He wiped his temple with his sleeve despite the chilly night, then took a step back.

He drew a deep breath, turning his face up to the sky. He seemed very vulnerable all of a sudden. 

"It's too hard." He spoke quietly. Maybe it was easier for him to say when he didn't have to look at me. "I made a commitment, and I intend to stick to it."

"Jaemin," Luna called from the house. "You out here, baby?"

He wet his lips. "Be right in."

He looked at me, longing and pain in his eyes. I put my fingers to my lips, attempting to hold on to the ghost of his kiss. His eyes went to my ring. He looked at it for a long minute.

Then he turned and stalked back to the house. 

Back to Luna.

I walked back into the kitchen after I had calmed down a bit.

Jaemin's mum smiled at me.

"Do you need any help, Auntie?"

"Oh, Mina, could you help me get the glass bowls for the ice-cream? They're up there." She pointed to a cupboard. "I'll serve the coffee first." She reached out for a tall silver flask.

"Sure, Auntie."

She looked at Jaemin, leaning against the wall. He must have been waiting for me.

"Aren't you coming?"

"Later." His voice was quiet.

She looked at him for a moment, and frowned, and then her husband called out from the living room, "Jolin, where's the coffee?"

"Don't - take too long," she said, flicking a look at him, and then at me, before hurrying out with the pot of coffee.

I crossed over to the cupboard.

The glass bowls were placed on the highest shelf.

On my tiptoes, I tried to grab them, but I couldn't reach them.

Jaemin came up behind me, gently pressing his hips against me as he easily nabbed a container.

He was close. So close. His heat at my back melted my frustration. I knew at any moment, he could take it away, so I asked, "How many?"

"How many what?" he asked, his voice low.

"Glass bowls?" My throat sounded as dry as it felt. 

"Not sure, but I can't reach any more. You'll have to move."

Move? I couldn't. I couldn't even blink. I'd barely been in his presence ten seconds. I couldn't take it, catching a moment alone with him here and there, once every few weeks, months even. I wanted to soak this in. Jaemin stayed there, too. There was so much I wanted to know, so much to ask, but before I could, he put his hands on my hips. 

"Sorry, Mina," he murmured, squeezing me gently before moving me out of the way himself.

He took down a stack of glass bowls, and we turned at the same moment to find his dad in the doorway, looking at us.

"Jaemin, we need you outside," he said.

"Later."

"Now." His father's voice was strangely abrupt, sharp.

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Author's Note

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