I slipped into my mind, just like I did last time I tried to find the secret. I have an entire mindscape. It is a room, with solid white walls, that gray color is slowly devouring. I have been here many times, but I have never understood what it was. Never understood why it was slowly going grey. I look around, for even though I am in my own mind, I can walk around. And when I look down, I see what I would normally see. The top of my chest, then my lower stomach, then my legs, then my feet. I look for something, anything, and I see it. A small black mass, like a mist. Lingering in one corner. And I know that it is restrained. I look at it and walk over. It starts pulsing, vigorously, at my presence. I have heard Dumbledore talking about how I am supposedly protected by my mother's sacrifice, but I believe that it is interfering with whatever this thing is.
Maybe this is what Dumbledore is keeping secret from me. I reach out my hand, and remove the weight from it. I can feel the difference in this blinding white room immediately. The white becomes black, and I feel powerful. I can feel my magic becoming whole. I have been told by Poppy that I am using up a lot of my magic on something, and it is not a good thing. I think that I was battling whatever I just removed from the black mist. Preventing it from taking over. I instantly know what is going on, and all of it falls into place. All of it makes sense.
I am a Horcrux, and I have been manipulated by Dumbledore to wind up in places, that might lead me to my death. He wants me dead, so that he can kill the Horcruxes and then Voldemort, and take all of the fame, and try to restore our world. He is sick. I might just have to thank him, thank him for keeping me away. I like being alone. It reminds me to keep me out of trouble, to survive, and to live. People make that just that much more difficult when they try to relly on me when they want me to help them with their problems.
I remove myself from my mind and look around. Where is my knife? Where did I put it... I look in my trunk. Not there... I look in my hiding place, not there either. Where did I put that thing! I keep looking around, and finally, finally, I find it. I start to cut my wrists. Then, I work my way up my arm, covering it with horizontal lines. Then the other. My cuts look like sleaves. Then I worked my way up. I think that I had done my shoulders like they were the most disgusting thing too me. While doing this, I think about all of what was a lie too me. How much people lied.
First, Hagrid lied about how much that Dumbledore was. Then, Mc Gonagal lied too me about how amazing Gryffindor is. Dumbledore lied to me too many times for me to list. I have been manipulated, lied too, abused, hated, shunned, bullied, and sentenced by my own headmaster! I have had it, I do not want to continue this anymore. Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP! "MAKE IT STOP!!!" I started shouting to nothingness, I was currently in the astronomy tower. If I cut myself, I have a vent, that and my voice. If I pitch myself off the edge, I'll be up by morning.
I slowly think about what I would probably have to explain when they ask me questions if I come back this time. I then contemplate the best way to die.
I need to pitch myself off, head first. I need to just run up the stairs, and then hurl myself off. My footsteps echo in the halls, and I race up the stairs. My blood continues to seep through my clothes, and I feel nothing but the longing of Death's caress, touch, and his insistence that I would be able to make a better life for myself. He always tried to make it better for me. I burst open the doors.
I run over to the railing and jumped it all together. As I fell, I could feel Death's presence as I hit the ground. I could feel him picking me up, and being cradled by strong arms, and I could feel my body regenerating. "You will not die, not with me around." I wrap my arms around him, and take a deep breath in, inhaling his stong sent. He smells like books, dark magic, and fresh blood, and I love every second of it. I feel him apparate us somewhere, but I do not know where. From the bed's silk sheets that we landed in, I would assume Slytherin's quarters.
I vaguely remember my clothes being swapped for comfy pajamas, and then the silky sheets. I do, however, remember the strong arms holding me, and the chest I awoke to, using as a pillow. To say that I was confused until I had gotten the sleep out of my system, would be an understatement. Death was possessive, yes, but never this much. Mabey the flinging me off the astronomy tower, only after going on a full out scratch session, sleeving my shoulders, stomach, arms, and sides, that set him off like this. I got out of bed, and when I got up to making coffee, Death came strolling in and made him some tea. "You know, I'm starting to be concerned with the folks making you my full-time job." I winced when I moved to sit and tried to cover it up, but Ash- as that is his name, didn't miss a beat.
"What did you do?" he asked, concern lacing his beautiful red and black eyes, and ghost-white face. I mentally scolded myself, and slowly, very slowly, took off my shirt. His face contorted into shock, and no sooner than negative point 0002 seconds, was I being apparated to the bed, sat down, and being healed. He started with my shoulders, then he worked the left arm and wrist, then the right, and then finally my stomach. And whenever I winced he would flinch. I hated it when he did that. He would blame himself, for either not doing a good job, or he would blame my winces on him. And I do not, approve.
"It is not your fault." I say, taking hold of his wrist. He lowers his eyes, and I pull him into a hug. I sigh, and we sit just like that. Maybe for hours. Maybe for just a few minutes, I did not care. It is only with Ash that I feel safe, like I can live. But I also feel selfish. Selfish that he has to do this for me, I feel like a burden, like I have no soal anymore. Like I can't breathe, like I can only exist around him. I think that it will suffocate me. That it has already started. Like the pain is too much, like I can't feel anything else. Anything else but Death's touch, Ash's touch.
I think I might go insane, that I already am.
I hold on to him tighter, and eventually, fall asleep.
