mission thirty nine ~ eggsy unwin

a metaphor for love

"You can do this okay?" Eggsy smiles reassuringly at her before hopping up the stairs after Merlin. 

I hesitate, but Roxy starts to lift off before I can think of anything good to say to ease her fears. 

"You'll be fine." I say halfheartedly, wishing I knew how to be social. Maybe all these years of shutting myself out from a normal life was a mistake? Maybe I should have tried harder to make friends when I was younger. But it's too late for that. 

Roxy floats higher and higher into the sky, and Eggsy appears at the top of the stairs, ushering me inside with a shout. I pull my jacket around me tightly and run up the stairs. The combination of the icy air rushing past my face and my inadequate clothing is not ideal. I shiver violently as I stumble inside, collapsing onto the sofa.

"Where's Merlin gone to?"

Eggsy pulls the plane door shut loudly, cringing slightly at the sound. "He's going to fly mostly manual. He'll debrief us on our mission when we get closer."

I nod. "Right."

Eggsy takes a seat beside me on the sofa, and we fall into a silence I can't decide whether is awkward or comfortable. His leg rests only a few inches from mine, reminding me of earlier today when my main concern was that exact fact. When my only problem was the boy that gave me butterflies. 

I shake my head slightly and laugh inwardly under my breath at the thought. 

"What?" Eggsy asks, amused. 

"Nothing." I keep my eyes trained firmly ahead of me. I won't allow myself to look at him and risk those foolish feelings getting in the way of the mission. 

The silence returns, bringing with it definite awkwardness this time. Though perhaps that's just me. His presence feels closer to me this time, now that the invasive thoughts from earlier today have returned, and I can feel every inch of movement he makes. I focus so hard on those tiny movements that when he suddenly whips around to face me, his legs crossed like a schoolboy so he can see me properly, I jump with fright. He starts to laugh and my face inflames, which is the exact opposite of what I was going for. 

"Fucking hell." I mutter, but ultimately face him with my own legs crossed. "What did you want that suddenly Eggsy?"

He licks his lips ever so slightly and yet I do not fail to notice it. Nor do I fail to notice the way the corner of his mouth raises gently when he sees me staring at it. I tear my eyes away and look him in the eye again, eyebrows raised. 

"Well?"

He smiles, and my heart skips a beat. Of course I was right earlier. This boy is starting to drive me mad, and part of me suspects he knows it too.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry." He says softly. "About Harr-your Dad."

I bite the inside of my cheek hard enough to distract me from the lump that forms in my throat at that simple sentence. I don't trust myself to reply so I nod, looking at my lap. 

"Sorry I didn't mean-"

"It's fine, really." I say slightly huskily. "Can we just talk about something else?"

"Yeah sure."

"Cool."

But then the silence returns and swallows up any hope at a normal conversation. 

This is why I never tried socializing. I realize. I can't hold a fucking conversation longer than a minutes. 

I look up from my lap to see him staring at me intently and the butterflies come back full swing.