Bonded

Chapter 44: Fallout

But soon, his mind slows like an engine running out of fuel. Exhaustion sets in, seeping into his muscles, his bones. He hasn't had a full night of sleep in days, only a couple of hours here and there by Rey's bed, and he hasn't slept at all since—

He goes cold. Everything in him seems to stop, his breath, his blood, his heart. For the first time it hits him, really hits him.

He's lost it all. Everything that matters, the First Order, Rey, their destiny...

He bristles, shaking his head.

No. It's not over yet. If he can outmaneuver Hux, the First Order can still be his, even more than it was before now that he finally has cause to throw that idiot and his lapdogs out. This could be a good thing, really, a chance to strengthen his authority.

Kylo nods to himself, his face hard and determined.

But there's still that coldness. He can't get rid of it, the gnawing fear that this is the end, the end of everything.

And it's his own damn fault. If he'd just left Osean after the Knights attacked, let Rey's little Resistance friend take care of her, he wouldn't be here right now.

But no. He stayed. Even after he knew she'd live, he stayed. He cancelled his appointments, ignored comm requests, stopped monitoring the generals. And of course, despite official reports that the Knights had turned on one of their own, rumors spread that it was the Chainbreaker they'd attacked.

Hux got exactly what he needed— a scandal with two full days to take advantage of it.

Kylo sinks, closing his eyes.

In an instant, the image flashes, Rey collapsing to the floor, her body wracked with sobs.

He snaps up, a cold stab in his heart. He tries to focus on the console, the soft flashing of data.

But the scenes play anyway, the images, the words, the feelings.

He sees Rey broken and bloodied on the floor, surrounded by the monsters he created.

He sees her suspended in a bacta tank, bruised and pale as a corpse.

He sees her eyes flutter open, her soft smile when she saw his face.

But mostly he sees that final moment, the hurt and the anger, the eerie calm in her voice— "You will always be a monster."

His throat tightens.

It's like he's still there. He's still in that room, experiencing it over and over again.

He thought he knew pain. He thought he was well-versed in all its nuances, every twist and cut. But today, he discovered something new, something deep and visceral. It's the kind of hurt that only comes from laying your vulnerabilities bare, all the tender, sensitive parts of yourself, only to watch as they're set to flame.

And it wasn't just his pain. It was hers too. He experienced all of it, the way she just fell apart. She couldn't even stand. She could barely hold herself up. He still sees her on the floor, eyes squeezed shut, whimpering— "But I trusted you."

He was shocked. He hadn't expected it. He'd played the fight in his mind a thousand times, so many different versions, but in each one she was always angry, red-faced with fury and condemnation.

He never saw her legs give out from under her. He never saw her crawl away from him. He never imagined her insides screaming, her heart breaking.

He hurt her. He hurt her in ways he didn't know was possible.