loneliness

darkness...

I always feel alone...
Even when my house is full, that feeling of loneliness still eats the insides of me. Everyday it grows hungrier and hungrier and eats more and more, until it eats all it can eat... and i slowly dissappear... most of the time i think thats the better option..

They say hiding away in your room makes you feel more alone.. but in reality, if your surrounded by a lot of people outside/in a room who don't give 2 sh*ts about you makes you feel lonelier. I hate it. I hate it so much. Knowing im just "existing" not really living.

With that loneliness you get the sadness... and thats what makes you wanna give up. At one point i was so sad my chest hurt, my heart hurt a lot hurt and i just wanted to rip myself apart, i know i sound so crazy right now but... i guess its possible to feel this incredibly dark feeling inside of me. The feeling of forever lasting darkness....
Every night is like a war between my thoughts. They shout in my ears. Over take my mind. Deafen the fewer positive ones i have left in there. I could scream "SHUT UP!!" at them but it wont help..
They just grow
Louder
Louder
And louder
But thats just the nights. The days grow longer and more tiring. Minutes feel like hours. Every second that ticks by on that clock tend to go in slow motion...

People tell me to climb higher up the mountain of happiness/success.
But im just stuck at the bottom. Of failure. Of darkness. Of sadness. Of unfairness.
I watch those amazing people climb higher everyday knowing full well i can't move from my spot! Knowing i haven't got enough energy or motivation to even get out of bed in the morning so my chances of climbing that mountain is 0.
Worst part is, no one can give me there hand to help pull me up it.

Till this day, i still wait for that hand to be there right in front of me, ready to help me up......