Chasing Time

FERMATA

Entry # 1: The Grandest Pause

A city where my heart rests, I know it is not there. I wish it’s there. Then I fold that expectation, but I keep on hoping that something might come true.

Ako si Jane Elizabeth, 19 taong gulang, anak ng isang successful na negosyante at sikat na mang aawit. Si Aga Muhlach lang naman at si Lea Salonga. Kilala sila, oo. Kahit saang sulok yata ng bansa hindi maitatanggi ang nag iisang LEA SALONGA. Lakas ng radar ng nanay ko. Maraming tao ang nagbigay papuri sa samahan nila, laman lang naman ng mga tabloids at magazine as the 90’s sweethearts lol ang korni. Maraming nagsasabi na I haven’t yet experienced living a life without luxurious things or yung wala raw problema sa buhay. Konting gasgas raw, iiyak. Konting pang aasar raw, magsusumbong. Eh sa masakit bakit ba. Para namang hindi sila umiiyak at nagsumbong sa magulang nila over petty things hmmp. Ginawa niyo rin yan ano. Kung alam lang nila istorya ng buhay ko. Kaya ikaw, keep on reading this journal para malaman mo.

Many people including my friends have asked me how was life living with both of my parents. Mga bes ang sabi ko normal lang. Tao rin naman sila na gumagawa ng kasalanan, tumatawa kapag may nakakatawa, nagagalit pag may nakakagalit, umiiyak pag may nakakaiyak. Madalas din silang may LQ at harutan moments. At nagkaron na rin ng misunderstandings between me and my parents. But that is not the worst of times.

My heart was shattered three years ago and it’s been in that state years later until now. Why? My dad cheated on us. He was with other woman and he chose her over his own family. Everything followed through after that. I witnessed how my parents were losing every ounce of love they had for each other, how they managed to look fine in front of me. The shouting and blaming part, I’d rather forget. I got depressed and have gone through breakdowns, many of it put me to sleep and I don’t know if I should be thankful for that. Wait, keep on reading because there is more to foretell. A year after he decided to elope with his mistress, I was diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer, ang sakit na kahit yata sa panaginip ay hindi ko gugustuhin. Tragic, right?  Pero anyway, I can vividly remember that day when the doctor told me I was sick. I was not scared at all. In fact, I was kinda anticipating that moment, when death is near. I tried to reach out for it, you know. But holy crap it’s hard to summon the dead when your body still longs and aches for something or someone alive and real out there living with and through you. And what’s to die for if you still haven’t knew the reason you are here, breathing.

I am looking and running ahead. One tempo, rest and go. Only turning around to that time the sun I couldn’t see fills up my eyes with the brightest lights in varied colors.

And just like most families of cancer patients, my mom and I, we’ve been through a lot—a lot of doctor appointments for 2nd 3rd 4th opinions myghad I lost count of. We’ve knelt and prayed to a lot of churches all over the country for miracles. Gone through treatments hoping I would heal when in reality there is yet a cure to my disease. In short, I had enough of it. No more hey it is okay you are gonna be fine because those words had not helped me, just subsided a bit of pain.

Ang sabi ng doctor, two years pa ang ilalagi ko sa mundong ‘to pag swerte ako at kapag sinunod ko ang mga bilin niya. Kasama sa marami niyang bilin ang maniwala ako. So before this precious life of mine surrenders to the wind, I want my parents to get back together just for a day or even just for an hour or two. To clear the unanswered questions, to enable us to move only forward in life. And ofc, a part of me wants them to feel that same old feeling when they first saw each other, that moment when everything stops and only the beating and sound of their hearts matter – the grandest pause of their lives. But this time around, I want them to feel the pause of time upon goodbyes. Tama ka bes, closure ang tawag dun. Kasi yun ang kailangan ng nanay ko – at ang kailangan ko.

Today will be the first rest of my life. I will find the smile that I lost. I will long for a perfect world even if it is not. For the meantime, everything is changing at first attempt.

Fermata – my mom’s favourite word. She learnt it from Beethoven and his many compositions. By definition, it means prolonging the note beyond its normal duration, adding grandeur to music, and an indication of beginnings and closings.

It’s too soon for me to sleep and disappear into the void, right? So be my accomplice in finding my dad and let him apologize for the mistakes he’s done to my mom and me in the past.  Not that I am letting you do illegal things on my behalf.

Yours Truly,
Jane Elizabeth