s t a r s t r u c k

Crowley fell long ago. He grew to not really care over time, but something always bugged him. Why did God erase him from Aziraphale's memories? He suspected as to not cause trouble between heaven and hell, but it certainly hurt. At least things were finally going smoothly with their relationship. He loved Aziraphale and Aziraphale loved him back. But he couldn't help but remember the past. Why must he be cursed with these memories? It would've been easier if God made him forget as well, but it wouldn't have been as unpleasant. Falling meant suffering, and Crowley had certainly done enough of that. Until one night. Aziraphale was gazing at the stars above them with a look one could only describe as content. It caused painful memories that Crowley could've sworn he pushed down deeper than the pits of hell to bubble up to the surface. Thoughts raced through Crowley's head, but he couldn't seem to think properly. He really should've thought before he opened that can of worms.

"You know I created them, right?"

"Oh, what did you create my dear?"

"The stars angel."

"Oh, which one?"

"Nearly all of them."

The look of shock on Aziraphale's face said so much more than all of their conversations over the 6000 years combined. Crowley really wished he was back in the burning M-25 than here right now. He didn't want to talk about this. But he started the conversation, might as well continue it and pretend to be super cool about everything. He hoped Aziraphale didn't see through him.

"Yup, it wasn't that much of a big deal though. Any other angel could've done what I did."

"Not any other angel, my dear. Only archangels were allowed to originally create the stars. Raphael was trusted to do most of the work."

There was that blasted name again. Crowley wanted to have that name erased from existence. He wanted to be able to forget, yet he just couldn't seem to no matter how hard he tried. Raphael...Raphael...Raphael. The name haunted him in his sleep, reminding him of what he could've been if hadn't fallen. What he and Aziraphale could've been. And despite all fate (and God) had thrown their way, they still found each other in the end. They loved each other, just like the good old days.

"Um, yeah. Well angel, shouldn't we be going? The park closes soon and we should-"

him

"Crowley, we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to. I just think it would be better if we did."

So, it was up to him. It was always up to Aziraphale because Crowley didn't want to scare him away. He couldn't lose him, not after everything they'd been through. It was always up to Aziraphale, but now it was up to him. Now was a better time than ever, he had already mentioned the damned topic. What more damage could be done at this point?

"I'd rather be in private if we were to talk about this angel."

"Oh, of course! My place or yours?"

"Yours."

Those beautiful eyes got him again. Crowley could never say no to Aziraphale because the way Aziraphale's face brightens up every time was worth whatever 'torment' he had to go through. Crowley was wondering whether or not he should've just said no this time. But he was awful at keeping secrets, especially from him.

The drive to Aziraphale's bookshop was as peaceful as it could possibly get. Aside from being able to practically hear the gears turning in Crowley's head from thinking so hard, Queen softly played in the background. Crowley was brooding and contemplating what he would tell Aziraphale without messing with his mind too much. Aziraphale kept giving him worried glances ever so often, he wasn't used to Crowley being so quiet unless he was sleeping. After what felt like an eternity, they arrived at Aziraphale's place.

"So, we have the long version or the short version, angel. Which one do you want to hear?"

"Well, we have all of the time in the world. Long version please my dear."

"Where should I start then? Do you have any burning questions?"

"Who were you before you fell?"

"I was Raphael. An ugly name I'm telling you, I have no clue what God would have possibly been thinking."

"You were the archangel Raphael?"

"Yeah, being an archangel just really wasn't my thing I guess."

"Crowley, you were basically God's favorite? What could you have possibly done? Please don't tell me you hurt anyone, my dear."

"Jeez, Angel. Who do you think I am? I just asked too many questions and hung around the wrong people. It really wasn't fair, but who am I to complain?"

Crowley laughed nervously as he tried to hold himself back from crying. He had to pretend to be strong. Had to pretend to be the tough, skin thick as nails, cool demon. Not a whiny, blubbering mess. The look Aziraphale was giving him didn't help either. He gave him the exact look when he discovered that he had gotten in trouble. That was the last time he saw him before he fell. He wanted to just curl into Aziraphale's arms and be held. He just needed to be reassured that everything is fine and his past is long gone and locked away for good.

"Oh, Crowley. You don't have to tell me any more than you have. Please don't force yourself to."

"No, no. I want to. It's just kinda a difficult subject to talk about."

Aziraphale hummed in understanding. Keeping direct eye contact with Crowley as he talked. His eyes looked sad. They shouldn't look sad.

"So, I was Raphael. Made the stars, did some other boring stuff, blah blah blah. Then I fell and here we are today. Any other questions?"

"Why did you make the stars? Did God force you to or was it your own decision?"

Oh shit. He knew this question was going to pop up sooner or later but it still hit him like a ton of bricks. Lying would only make things worse, but telling the truth would only make things more confusing. Crowley picked the lesser of the two evils and decided to tell the truth.

"I made them because I wanted to have the way your eyes twinkle a permanent part of the universe. It's cheesy I know, but-"

"We knew each other before you fell?"

"We more than just knew each other, angel. We were engaged to each other."

"That doesn't make sense, how come I don't remember you at all?"

"I'm curious about that too. Probably not to cause tension between the sides and to make me suffer more."

"Crowley. I-"

"It's fine, angel. I shouldn't have brought it up. This is my fault, don't you worry about a thing."

Crowley began to exit the bookstore and was already planning what he would do once he got back to his house. He would get into his pajamas, cry, and then sleep for as many years as it takes for him to forget this experience. At least, that was what he was planning to do until he felt warm arms wrap around him from behind.

"I'm here for you my dear. Whenever you need me."

That was the final straw. Crowley burst into tears and tightly clung onto him for his life. Aziraphale held him nearly as tightly, telling Crowley reassuring things. And there they stayed, old lovers turned new.