(TW)
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I'd hang myself, but the fan won't support my weight.
I'd overdose, but the pills aren't strong enough to kill me.
I'd slit my wrists, but I can never cut deep enough to see blood run from my veins and drip onto the floor as mt vision goes blurry.
I've thought about other ways to do it. Visited all the helpful websites, the ones who care enough to help you find a way out.
They make it seem like you're selecting a breed of dog rather than a way to end yourself.
"Make sure you find an option that works for you. One size doesn't fit all with suicide. This one is painless but takes a while. This one is painful but is over in two minutes. Good luck on finding your dream method."
I found a unique way to go.
Take a lot of pills, sleeping pills and my antidepressents would do, put a plastic bag on my head and tie it shut and pass out and die painlessly. What an interesting way to go.
What would my friends say?
That I'm selfish?
That I shouldve told them before I went?
I guess it could be selfish. But maybe it's time I do something selfish for once. End all this. I wont be here to deal with their disappointment anyway.
But what if I fail?
If I fail, and no one comes to the hospital to see me.
If I fail, and that hurts worse than death, and I'm left with no other way out.
I'd have to tie that bag pretty damn tight. Maybe use a belt. Make sure I never fucking wake up.
It's weird to write about your own suicide. Knowing no one could really stop you at this point.
All I can hear is the voice in my head coaxing me. He sounds nicer than anyone I speak to, but nice in a liquid poison way.
"Come on, just a few pills and a knot and it'll be over. You'll be okay. I promise, it'll be okay and everything will be happy. No more crying. Just one simple thing and everything's okay. Its gonna be okay, just follow my voice..."
And that seems like a very promising offer.
No ones ever physically here when I get like this, even though I get like this very very often. When was the last time I was even hugged? Perhaps Satan's warm embrace will sooth my soul as I sink into the flames.
I wish for warmth but I adore the cold. I keep my room freezing and my heart stays frozen.
I fake caring, fake happiness, fake empathy every day and not a single soul sees through it.
I worry that I speak of myself too much.
I want my friends to be better than I am, because I know I won't be here long so there's no point in wasting time on me anymore.
I wish I could be loved, I do, but I can't be. I'm complex, im complicated, being loved for BEING MYSELF is a pipe dream. I don't remember the last time I was myself. I don't remember how to be myself. I'm too scared. My walls are high and invisible and no one has penetrated them. And as far as I know, no one ever will.
To the topic at hand, should I go? He could be right. I could wake up warm in a bed of flowers once my lungs stop pumping poison. I could be snuggled by rabbits, kissed by the sun. I could run with coyotes, dance with the river, sway with the trees. There's no way of knowing unless I go. And any form of anything other than my life seems greater than any distraction here on earth.
I feel as if I don't belong on planet earth and I am starting to buy into that feeling.
I always want to go home, even if I lay in my bed.
I want to say goodbye. I want to say goodbye to everyone I have ever loved but I don't have the strength. Should I go without a word? Should I stay? I don't know. I don't know.
