I Don't Know What to Feel

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry you have to read this. But because I've spent 2 hours writing it, I might as well share it.
(By the way, Sunny and Ramen are nicknames I have given for my friends to keep their identitys private)

Im scared that one day I might make my best friend, Sunny, mad at me to the point she doesn't trust me. I never want that to happen. I don't wanna fuck up so badly I end up like TWA. Sunny hates TWA. In fact I don't wanna fuck up my friendship with Ramen either. Let's be honest, it would be me to fuck up that badly. I can't stand making either of them mad at me. I love them way too much and I just can't show all my love and appreciation for them.

I always make them things and buy them things but deep down I feel like it's not enough.

It really hurts to be a third wheel. It makes me feel like I can always be replaced. I mean, Sunny and Ramen can always find some short person that always talks about kpop 24/7. I'm literally only friends with Sunny and Ramen, other than the people I talk to online, I have no one. I mean I've tried to make friends at school but I just can't trust any of them. What's the use of a friend if you can't trust them? Everyone at school is super shit.

Does Sunny and Ramen know I've wanted to try to open up myself to the LGBTQA+ community at school? I'd love to spread the positivity at school. Imagine how great that would be! Sadly I know, deep down, it's never gonna happen. Isn't it a great thing to imagine though? It really gives you a sense of hope in life. I just had a daydream (Well I mean it's like 3am) of starting an LGBTQA+ club at school. I would LOVE to start one. I've decided, I'm gonna make one. I feel like I can do it.

Speaking of daydreams, I do it alot. I always have those fangirl dreams. It always makes me feel bad to admit because I don't wanna be labeled as a classic fangirl. I hate that. I don't wanna be like everyone else. I wanna stand out, have character. I don't wanna be labeled.

Let's move on to another topic. Perhaps maybe a bit less depressing. I wanna revamp my style. I wanna wear more cutesy clothes now. I wanna embrace my "adorable." I know I can't be pretty so why not cute? Apparently that's what I am so why not try to make it work. But I'm still probably gonna need alot of reassuring from my friends though.

I really do go off topic easily, don't I? I hate it. When I try to convey my feelings, it always comes out an unorganized mess. I tried to give this a bit of organization but I fear it's still unreadable.

I'm really loud and annoying. It's not much of a loss to lose me, it's already confusing enough anyway. My brain can't even be organized. How could I start a club if I can't even organise my brain. Thought after thought, piling on eachother. It's so confusing. It's most likely I'm gonna forget what any of this I wrote means. I'm probably gonna be completely different in the morning. What's the use of writing this? Just to make Sunny or Ramen feel bad for me when I copy and paste it to them? Is that what I want? No? No. I want them to know how I feel. I want them to understand how fucked up I can get. I don't even understand myself.

Did you see that? My brain tried to make me think I was only trying to get Sunny and Ramen feel bad for me. No, I should know better than that. I know I made this so Sunny and Ramen could understand me better and how I work. Please, don't be confused by me. But then again it's not gonna matter in the morning. I'm just gonna fall asleep and forget.

In summary, I'm a fucking mess.

~Mousey