journey of a soul

Hospitals, needles and despair

I keep drifting in and out of some sort of dream.... At one point I was talking to my friend and another I'm being dragged to a car ... I don't remember much of it but the next thing I know is they stuffing something into my nose and mouth ..... It hurts .... It hurts very bad ... I feel like my nostrils are burning .....and then I black out again. I open my eyes a bit and see everything is blurred ..... I feel like someone's talking to me ... it's my aunt ..... My dad's younger brother's wife . She looks at me with worry and ...... And pity .... Why ...? 'Are you ok? ' she asks ... I clear my dry throat and say yea , I'm fine and then black out again

light , that's all I see. I rub my eyes and try to clear my vision, there it is ... The ceiling. But I feel very disoriented , there's something weird about it , the ceiling didn't have a fan and it seemed a little more older than the ceiling at my house .... I mean my dad's house. I don't belong there . where am I ? , Is the only thought that went through my mind.... Like a new born baby with no painful memories , nothing to think about , free , with no emotion. I lift my head a little, to get a better view. People ..... People all around this elongated room ,something seems slightly unusual, these people aren't normal people walking around ... Some were under the care of a ventilater , some with major physical injuries and the others with inner injuries. At that moment , everything came in a rush , into my mind the incidents of the day before , the life I've led , the pain that still haunts me, the people who've still managed to hurt me. But nothing adds up... How did I end up in a hospital ? I still don't get where I am , I don't see any familiar faces at all. I see a nurse passing by and she notices that I'm wide awake and a little panicked seeing the needle on my hand and an heart rate monitor near my bed. ' would you like me to change your diaper ? ' she asks. I look at her confused , what ?? Diaper ? , I send my hands flying down towards my private parts and realise that I actually am wearing a diaper, it felt uncomfortable . 'No , it's fine' I say ... 'Where exactly am I ?' I ask . 'Your in the ICU ' she says with a condescending look . One look at her face and I could tell .... She knew about what I'd done. I've seen that look soo many times throughout my life , it's a look I hated and feared the most. It made me panic a little. I controlled my emotions somehow and turned back and smiled a guilty smile , she walked away without a second look. I was disappointed ...... That's an understatement..... I was broken ...... Broken soo bad ...... I didn't accomplish it ..... The job I was supposed to do .... The job , for the first time in my life , I had put in soo much effort for ...... The only thing that would end all this ....... The only thing that would end this pain and this agony . And the only thing I wanted to do soo bad was kill myself