Inescapable

Prologue

I got home late, at about 3 in the morning exhausted from another night of drinking away the voices screaming at me to just end it all. I drink because nothing else seems to work anymore nothing else seems to silence the constant thoughts swirling around in my head. "You're not good enough" they say over and over and I honestly believe it to be true. That's the thought flowing through my head as I sit on my bed with the old blue sheets I've always had. I look over at the gun on my bedside dresser, It truly is a wonderful thing. It was a gift from my father before he passed, a standard .44 caliber revolver, he loved to go hunting and never left the house without it. I'm to tired to convince myself this is a bad idea, so I pick the gun up as I had done a million times before. I take the .44 magnum bullet and put it into the revolver, completely subconsciously, I've done this so many times, it's just muscle memory at this point I put the barrel of the gun to my head not pushing down to hard, with very little effort behind it and without thinking about it I pull the trigger... for a moment the voices stop everything is silent, I love this feeling. The feeling of not feeling anything at all to be truly still, to finally be silent but like always, it doesn't last. Like the hundreds of other times I've tried this, the bullet goes straight through my head and I feel the pain, its unbearable but it last for only a second then it's just gone, quickly the voices come flowing back all at once, very eager to laugh at me once again, not even the sound of me throwing the gun at the wall, where the fresh bullet hole and splattered blood still remain, is loud enough to drown out the voices, "can't even manage kill yourself can you Alex, you truly are a disgrace." I start to sob and put my head in my hands "leave me alone" I scream as I clutch the sides of my head, tears flowing down my face and dripping onto the light brown carpet. I find myself wondering the same useless question I always ask myself. "Why, why me" I whisper "what horrible things did I do to deserve this kind of endless torment" I let myself fall into the bed and just lay there staring at the same dull ceiling I've had for years now and cry myself to sleep once again.
I wasn't always like this, there was a time I was happy and had hope....