save yourself

Bruno

Today you were brought up during class- one of my old friends asked, "still getting those flashbacks about Bruno?"... I just listened and immediately broke down.

I was just 10 years old. It wasn't fair. The whole world turned against me. "Alicia, I hope you feel better", was all i heard for months, the more i heard it the more I had to realize that you were no longer here anymore.

I watched the person I love die in front of me on that bed, late Saturday night. I was just 10 years old. How can a child be exposed to such immense trauma at a young age.

I loved you so much, you were the only one who understood me. You fulfilled the role of a true brother for me, the one at which my brother himself couldn't play. Everyday I get flashbacks -when everything was so good. I'd get home from school, and you already had my favorite snacks, and two chairs on the porch ready to hear all about my day. You made my childhood feel safe by your side, and i'll never forget that. You were also the kindest towards me, I just really wish the rest of the world got to see that side of you as well.

On August, It'll officially be 10 years since you left me. Not one day goes by that my heart doesn't ache for you. I still carry anger towards the people who did this to you. I still feel the sympathy for your poor mother, father, and little sister who cared so much about you, and always wanted the best for you. You left so many of us that loved you behind.

Your death is a trauma that i'll carry with me forever. I dont think i'll ever honestly be able to process this. It's been almost 10 years like I said, and it still feels so unreal. I carry you in my heart, and mind every single day, this pain won't heal.

As for now, I need you more than ever. Everything is just going bad. I need you here to listen to me rant about how awful my days have been, how exhausting work is, how cruel this world is, and how I'm getting really, really tired of living everyday having to carry so much weight on my chest. I find myself asking if life is even worth it, I tend to feel all alone, and most days I just end up weeping my eyes out, while I think of how awful my life is becoming. I dont know what to do anymore. I just really wish you were here to help me Bruno, just how you used to.