Our Hearts' Desire (The Monkees Family Vol. 2)

Chapter 30

Gabby took in everything Dawn was saying and nodded along as she spoke it. Then she rendered her verdict. "I think it's just what he needs, Dawn. He needs to be of help to others, to make amends to each and every member of the family, and to feel needed. Thanks for taking a flyer on him and giving him this chance."

The two women sat in the nursery, and when Sebastian was done feeding, Gabby took him as was her usual practice and burped him, then enjoyed cradling him. Micky passed by the door and peeked in, saw Gabby with the baby, and his expression turned to one of anguish. He turned away and abruptly called over his shoulder "Dawn, I think I had better get going. I'll be back to take care of that busted porch light later in the week. Want to walk me out and we can figure out what day works best for you?"

Dawn stood up and held a hand out to forestall Gabby from freaking out. Then she followed him out. A few minutes later, she returned.

"Sorry, Gabby. He asked me to tell you he was sorry he didn't say goodbye, but he didn't want to upset you, and he's a bit upset himself. He doesn't know what sort of footing he's on with you. He knows you're scared of him, but he also knows that when your life and sanity were in the balance, he's the one you wanted by your side. I think it might be time to try and at least communicate it to him in some way how you feel about all that. Maybe a letter if you can't manage a face-to-face."

Gabby nodded and wrung her hands. "That's not all he said, was it? It was more than that. I saw that look on his face."

Dawn sighed and sat back down. "Yeah, it was seeing you with the baby that really got him. He knows he's blown it. I didn't tell him right out, but we had a chat about you the night of your breakdown, and I told him a few hard cold facts and how to try to get back on the right track with you, and I also told him that your conditions of being back together with him might have changed and he should be prepared for it. He asked me what that meant, but I wouldn't tell him. But he's probably figured it out that you don't want to have his baby anymore. Or maybe it was just him seeing you with the baby and knowing that had he not gone off on his bender, that baby could have been his by now. But eventually you're gonna have to spill that to him, too. It's only fair. I told him that if the things you are willing to give don't match his expectations, he may want to move on and not bother trying to reconcile."

Gabby looked conflicted. She was both pissed off at Dawn's presumptuousness in speaking for her but also grateful for her being willing to cut through the bullshit and tell Micky what he needed to hear. "You know, Dawn, sometimes I don't know whether to strangle you or pin a medal on you. I guess this is like when Micky and I first started going out. You spilled the beans on me then, but it worked out for the best."

Dawn laughed. "That's exactly what Micky said! He reminded me about that conversation we had and he thanked me for it. And that didn't turn out so bad, did it, girlie? You two need a helping hand, that's for sure. The look of sheer terror and agony on his face tells me a lot. He has no intention of hurting you. He's afraid of disappointing you, and he's weirded about by the fear you hold based on your assumptions of who you think he might be. I think it's time to let him start re-introducing himself to you and proving to you who he actually is. I told him he'd have to do that to regain your trust. So Gabby, if you're going to do this, get going. As your mom always says, shit or get off the pot. You need to take the bull by the horns and just do it. You're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. You've forgotten all about that Gabby even existing. It's like you've reverted to the insecure, scaredy cat mess I met when you first started bunking up with me. You've got to get a grip on yourself. For both of your sakes. Even if you don't want to take him back, at least try to help him redeem himself and move on with his life."

Gabby nodded "I hear you, Dawn. It scares the hell out of me, but you're right. I can't keep living this double life, where I'm this kick-ass feminist during the day at my job and then I go home and turn into a frightened abuse survivor who's practically living in the witness protection program. How can I do it without having to be alone with him? Would you maybe ask Micky for suggestions? Or can we meet up here and take care of the kids together, or maybe I can bring dinner over and Micky can be here? I think maybe I could handle that if both you and Peter were here."

"Definitely. I'll call him about that porch light and tell him you want to start the process and see what he thinks. I think this house is a good place to rebuild Micky's self-esteem. Whether it's the place to rebuild your romance, I don't know. But let's not worry about that. I'll tell you what I told him that night all those years ago at Dodger Stadium – be his friend first and then if you're meant to be lovers, it will follow. Okay?"

Gabby hugged Sebastian tightly to her and took a deep breath. "Okay. Please set something up and I'll be there, whatever it is. I'm ready to do this." She kissed the baby on his fuzzy little head and asked herself if she was sad that she and Micky would never have one of their own. She answered herself in the negative. She didn't regret her decision to plan on telling Micky she would not have his children, and she thanked God she had not gotten pregnant in the time they had been trying. She hoped that more babies would be born into the Monkees family so that Micky could get some vicarious bliss, but she felt as sure that she would not be the one to grant him that one last wish as she did that she and Davy would never be anything more than friends as long as she remained married to Micky. She had made up her mind and she had her values set and that was that. She saw the folly of having allowed herself to deviate from those values in order to make Micky happy, and she felt she had had a narrow escape and saved some unborn child a lifetime of misery.