Going to sleep feeling dead as usual. Waking up feeling dead as usual. My life was miserable. No friends, family that I tried my best to avoid. They only wanted to help me but I stayed away. I had friends but they were the wrong group for me. I didn't notice that until a few days ago.
I should have listened to my mum, dad, sisters, brother. Guilt spread through me thinking of my brother. I avoided him the most, and I missed him the most. He was there with me my entire child hood and one day I just pushed him away.
Whenever he came to visit I left. Since I turned 16 I've been a wreck. Smoking and drinking. This was my life. No doubt about it. No regrets? More like everything a regret. Everything. I wanted to change, deep inside I really did. But failed miserabley. I am not 17 and still a mess.
I wanted to pick myself up, get friends again, be my old self, get my family back. I just couldn't find the strength to. I didn't have someone to help me either. I stopped smoking after I ran out by locking myself in my room for days. I ate, of course.
I loved my mum, really. She brought me food every day but when she did she did it without saying a word. I loved her for that at the moment. I need someone. Someone to bring me back up, back to life again. The one who brought me to find myself in the first place. When he left was when I became a wreck.
He'd helped me through everything all my life and him leaving had a huge effect on me. I didn't know what to do, what to say. I made my own decisions and they seemed to be the worse. I missed him badly. My heart ached for him to come back into my life. The one and only bradford bad boy.
He wasn't really a bad boy to me, he was as soft as a marshmellow picked fresh right out of the bag. But he had lived up to his title a few times through his life that I'd known of. He left after going onto the X-Factor. Havn't seen him since.
I lazily got up out of my bed, feeling dehydrated. I looked around and found a bottle of water on my nightstand.
"thanks mummy" I muttered sleepily.
She couldn't hear it but I said it anyways. I went into my messy bathroom and found what I needed. I set it on my sink before showering. I was a mess but not a complete one. I at least took showers and took care of my body. Just not the inside of it as much. Smoking and drinking was destroying me inside.
After showering I didn't feel like brushing my hair so I tied it up in a messy bun. I applied my usual makeup. Eyeliner, mascara, a bit of concealer, red lipstick, and blush. I stepped out into my room, even messier than my bathroom.
Empty bottles and cigarette boxes everywhere along with plates, utensils, napkins, clothes, etc. I just threw everything to the floor. I looked in my closet for a pair of fresh clothes. I only washed my clothes once everything 2 weeks but had enough to wear during that time.
I pulled on a pair of skinny jeans, a pair of old white converse with colourful sharpie writing all over them, and a loose light blue sweatshirt. I let go of my hair that was in a bun, letting it fall around my shoulders. I quickly brushed it and pulled it over to one side. I was ready for my day. (book cover picture)
For the first time in a week I went downstairs and found my family eating breakfast. I looked at the calender on the wall. It was October 6th. My birthday is in 3 days, wow. I looked up to see my family staring at me in shock that I came down. Everyone but Zayn.
"honey..." my mum started.
I sighed. "mum I'm not leaving anymore... I'm finished with all the shit my so called 'friends' have done to me. I want to be strong but I need help" I wanted to cry but stayed strong.
My mum came over and hugged me tightly. She was warm and friendly. I couldn't stop the tears that escaped my eyes. I missed these hugs so much.
"I know sweetie, you know um... he's coming for your birthday" my mum wiped away her own tears.
I felt something inside me I hadn't had in a while. Hope.
