Unconditional, conditional love

A title.

If I had already gone right? Nope. Do it again. Redo. REDO! I'd have to back up and do it again or I'd eat at me for a while.

I used to convince myself to do these things "perfectly" or I made up severe consequences in my head, if I didn't do them. Consequences I had zero control over.

Another example was how I wrote my T's. They had to be a certain way, if they weren't, they got erased.

I've moved on from doing this now, for the most part. But I still know exactly how I wrote those T's and why I wrote them the way that I did. However, now isn't the time to get into it.

Now, moving onto the imagination part of the not being able to control my thoughts.

My thoughts get so bad at night- Intrusive thoughts that everyone has, I can't seem to shake anymore. Moreover? It keeps me from being able to concentrate and keep a storyline going. I almost don't have control over what goes on in my imagination anymore without writing or drawing it out sometimes.

So what do I do to avoid those thoughts? Listen to music. Watch videos. Do anything. I keep myself occupied in my brain with background noises, so I can avoid the thoughts.

They plague me, most of the time, they have since I was 7.

Now my dreams? Oh those are a mess! I've had dreams where I knew I was dreaming, I've had terrifying dreams, realistic dreams, and even dreams where I've gone back into the dream after waking up.

I get deja vu in my dreams, where in the dream I acknowledge that I've seen the dream before.

I talk about my feelings about things in my dreams, like my Faith and my honest opinions on it, I talk about events that are happening soon in the real world, in my dream and I pride myself for remembering them in a dream-inside the dream itself. I'll suddenly remember I'm in a dream, I'll ask other dream beings if I'm in a dream. I can speak a bit of Spanish in my dreams.

My dreams are fun until they get terrifying, I wish I knew how to make them stop. However, they take whatever fears I have in the real world and they shove them into the forefront of my dreaming. I know this is a result of stress; however, I want my dreams to be the one place I can escape.

That's not the case anymore.

I used to try and think positively and I used to know who I was. Now I don't.

I used to be able to pray like a warrior, now I'm so crippled by fear of my head that I convinced myself I need my dad to pray with me at night so I can keep my thoughts focused.

It makes doing the tasks I loved almost impossible sometimes.

My head takes the joy out of my life.

That's what terrifies me, my head is the one thing I can't escape.

It's mine. But without a good control over it? Is it really mine?

What do I honestly think? Say? Feel?

What do I mean?

Am I double sided? Do I have alternative motives?

I used to be strong but now I am weak.

I know that God will carry me on wings like Eagles.

I'm terrified of who I am. Moreso who I'm becoming.

I used to give so much, and for what? No one to give it back?

.... but that's not mercy or grace. I can't live so that others can give back. I just have to trust in God's strength and give, even though I know no one will give back.

But like someone I respect said, "If you're constantly pouring into others, and no ones pouring into you, eventually? You're going to burn yourself out."

That's exactly what I did.

I'm burnt out, I'm stretched thin, I'm at the end of my strength, but that's where Grace begins.

Be patient with me, I'm trying to figure things out. Some days I don't want to fight, because I've fought away the negatives and hurt for a long time. So now I just don't feel like fighting.

I wanted someone else to carry me to be strong.

God is the only one who will.

It just makes me wonder, why? Why do people who want to help never get any in return? I guess this world will do that to you. You give all you can, and when you can't? You're discarded, you're left in the dust, they want to take your happiness, your joy, your heart-because they can't get it themselves. But they don't want you.

Let me tell you.

God wants you.
God wants to strengthen you.
He might let you bend, but He won't let you break beyond what you can handle-to the point of no return. God will make sure to keep you and hold you.

The world and people will leave and let you down. Make sure you're centered with God.

I am terrified of change, and to be alone.

But with God, I'm never alone, I just can't see that.

I've been left, I've endured change, and I just more than anything want to go back to the moment I lost hope and get myself to be hopeful.

I want to go back to my mom being with me. My best friends by my side.

I WANT TO GO BACK TO A TIME WHERE I DIDN'T LOSE HOPE AND I KNEW THERE WAS SOME. I HAD A PURPOSE FOR OTHERS, and now I'm so clouded with self doubt that I've stopped doing the very ministry I feel I'm led to do.

Hope.

Spread hope.

I know this is lengthy, I want this to work as my self help journal sort of. It's just me talking to myself and getting my thoughts out there. There's no need to comment or anything, but if you need help. Please, comment or DM me.