The struggles of a lil sad bisexual

You played your game, it was all for you

Somebody else~ The 1975.

I had a dream about you the other night. It made me miss you. I didn't miss you for the right reasons though, but then again I never do. It's like no matter what I do, I can't escape you. Can't escape the memories. The hurt. You say you live in the present because the past doesn't matter and it shouldn't be dwelled on. But I can't forget the months I spent manipulated by you.

I don't open up easily anymore. I blame you. Blame that fake charm, that fake fucking smile. After it all happened, I tried to forgive you. Tried to pursue things as more than our toxic past. But after things got intimate, you came on too strong. And i couldn't handle it, I was reminded of everything I tried to put behind me.  The way you used me when you had nobody else, when you felt alone. The way you constantly pointed out my flaws and pretended to care about my feelings and then talked shit to your friends behind my back. The way you forgot I was a human being with feelings. The way you would try to feel up my best friend and I even after hearing the words "no." And used you being high or drunk as an excuse.

I've never been someone who breaks easily. I move past things and get on with my life, I always have. But you...you left a rage in me that I couldn't calm. A crack in me that couldn't be mended.  I was hateful and nasty and pushed so many people away because of how badly you broke me. I wanted to be friends. Wanted nothing more than for you to see me as an 'equal.'
But the harder I tried, the more damaged I felt. The more weak, Insecure, ugly, pathetic. All these feelings I suppressed to make you happy, built up inside of me until I finally broke.

"No don't fucking touch me."
"Just go away."
"I don't wanna be here."
"I SAID DON'T TOUCH ME."
"I've never hated anyone so much in my entire life."
"Just leave me alone. I'm done."

I do believe that people can change. And maybe one day you will, or maybe you already have. But I hated myself for a long time. Blamed myself for not being good enough. Not being skinny enough or pretty enough. But now...I know my worth. So thank you for making me realise I deserve better than someone as destructive as you.

Because I should....be getting over it.