Read Between The Lines

Don't Tell Me You Love Me

Sad people sometimes come to the sea to soak in their sadness. Happy people come to the sea to make more happy memories, usually with other happy people. Curious people could stay here for hours, noticing every inch of the shore and its environment. People in love talk about the sunset which follows the day, and their plans to love each other forever. And me, I come to the sea at night for absolutely no particular reason. The silence washes my mind of all my raging thoughts that have been stored in every corner of my brain. So I come here to forget, and sometimes to think of new things to fill my mind. I'm not curious, I'm not sad, nor am I necessarily happy, and definitely not in love.

Sometimes I bring Claire. She likes to collect sand for her art projects and other random things in nature, and sometimes I don't mind having the company. She is just as quiet as me, so I don't feel obligated to start conversations, and neither does she. If something comes up, we'll let each other know.

She was always fond of the ocean. When we were little, we would come here every summer to look for creatures at low-tide, swim in the chilly waves on foggy days, and eat whatever our mom's packed for us. We did this every summer that I can remember, that was until I left for America to finish my studies. I felt almost like I broke an unspoken promise to her when I left for four years. That was 4 summers without our trips to the beach. I couldn't come home on breaks, and she couldn't come visit me in the states. Even though she understood, it still made me feel as if I had let her down. But we got by with simple phone calls.

"Would you please hold still, dammit?" Claire shouts while aggressively while erasing a mistake she made in her sketchbook.

"What do you mean?" I said confused.

"I'm trying to draw you but you keep moving!" She adjusted her glasses which were greasy from pushing them back up her face so much.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't notice." I didn't look up from my notebook, avoiding eye contact.

"When do you notice anything? You're always daydreaming." She sounded slightly upset. As if I had offended her somehow.

"I'm sorry that I haven't been paying enough attention to you lately, it's just that I haven't figured out an ending for this book, I just keep thinking of more ideas to poor into it." I say while taking a long sip of my coffee.

"OW! THIS IS REALLY HOT!" I yell while spitting boiling coffee down my shirt.

"Yeah, sorry, I asked for it to be extra hot because I didn't want it to get cold on the way here." She says so innocently with a giggle while sketching away.

"You know, Theo, you might want to look into a publishing company or two about possibly publishing some of your work."

"I don't know, I need to get a foot in the door with my editing career first. Then maybe I'll have an easier time with a publishing company." That was true, but I was more so nervous to tell her that I'd be embarrassed if a company knew my stories were written by a man.

"Well, if that's what it takes. Say, let me see that.." she insists as she holds out her hand reaching for my notebook.

"Let me finish it first.." I say as a throw a handful of sand at her legs.

"You wimp, let me see what you're even writing about!"

I finally hand her the notebook, my heart racing as she skims through the pages, looking for her facial reactions. But she's not stupid. She knows I'm looking for a reaction.

"Oh, I see now, you don't want them to know who you are because your narrator is a woman?" She says with a smart ass grin, handing back my notebook.

"You only read the first page of the chapter!"

Claire suddenly jumps at me, knocking me off the log I am sitting on, into the sand behind me and yells, "I only need to read that much to know it's good Theo! Now figure your shit out and get it published! Do you really want to be stuck editing books for other risk-taking authors who are getting the fame, while you get little recognition for making sure the I's are dotted and T's are crossed?"

My eyes grew wide as her eyes were locked on mine, five inches apart from each other. She really knocked the wind out of me and there was a shift in the atmosphere.

"You know, Theo, there's something I've been meaning to ask you." She says with a nervous crack in her voice, letting go of my wrists she had pinned to the sand. I sit up, brushing my hair out, "What is it, Claire?"

"It's just that, my dad brought up that fact that I'm 23 years old, and not in a relationship, and thinks that if I don't find a suitable person to later become my husband, I will fail him as a daughter." She says so timidly.

"I'm sorry he's pressuring you Claire, no one should be rushed into anything as complex as love. If you want, I can help you find a husband." I really had no idea how to respond to her.

"Well, that's the thing, I can't think of spending time with someone other than you, you're my best friend." Her voice sounded nervous, and she wouldn't turn to look at me.

"We will always be best friends Claire, and we can find time to spend with each other. And, when you have little Claire's running around, Uncle Theodore will come take care of them when you're busy being a famous artist." I try to lighten the mood a bit.

"Theo.." She says as she turns her teared up face up to me, immediately leans into me, pushing me back into the sand again, and presses her lips against mine. Tangling her fingers into my hair. Her.. soft lips. I was in so much of a shock, I couldn't move. Not my hands, my eyes, nothing. In that long moment, I lost breath and movement.

"Theo.." She says in a soft, deep voice that I have never heard come from her before.

"Claire.. I don't think..." I say has she interrupts me.

"Le Cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît pas." She says as she stands off of me, leaving me frozen in the sand. I hear nothing but her steps pounding the ground. Those words carve themselves into my brain, repeating in my ears, I couldn't forget her tone. Like she really, well... wanted me.

The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.

"Theo, don't think so much of it now, lets get home before we catch a cold." She says as she walks away to the car.

"I've told you before, don't call me Theo." I say as she marches away, ignoring me as always.

The moon is very prominent this time of night, and reflected so well off the water. I usually take time to soak that up, but she has my mind on a spin. My hands are shaking, and I can't tell if it's because I'm mad or I'm nervous. I have only felt this way once before in high school, when he fucked up my mind.

"Hey, wait up!" I  was running out of breath, trying to catch up.

The drive home was quiet. It usually is quiet, only because we both hate small talk, and choose not to let silence be awkward. But, this time was, different. It was colder than usual, and, almost empty.

I hate when she calls me Theo over my preference of my full first name, Theodore. She knows why it bugs me too. He never seemed to notice before that day. He called me Theo, after laughing in my face so cruelly. Ignoring my feelings completely. Since that day, 8 years ago, I've asked everyone to simply use my full name over Theo. But Claire doesn't care. She thinks that since I ask so many people to not call me that, she's special in calling me Theo. I won't ever give her the real explanation. I couldn't. It would break her heart, and after today, I now know it'd kill her.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:

This isn't the entirety of the first chapter, this is just what I am going to publish today, and I'll add more on later! I am having trouble translating part of it from Japanese to English, so i will have it ready for you soon.