Brush
Brush
Brush
Why do I need to keep brushing, I don't think it's doing anything. Ten, eleven, twelve, I have to keep brushing, I feel accomplished when I do. My brown hair glides through the comb over and over. I look at myself in the mirror and feel frustrated with my lack of progress, is something supposed to change. My hair still remains the same, soft yet unchanging. Why is nothing happening. I feel a pit of frustration fill me, I forcefully put the comb down and walk out of the bathroom.
What else is there to be done before school starts. I've already brushed my teeth and changed in the clothes for the day. Today is a Friday, actually, it might be a Tuesday. I can't remember. Why can't I ever remember I always get the days mixed up? Get your shit together Kara. I check my phone it's a Tuesday and it's 6:37 am. I mentally planned out how long it would take to put on my shoes and get my water before 7:15 am. I decided at exactly 6:50 I would get up and start putting everything together.
What should I do until then? I paced around my small house waiting for time to pass by a little faster. The clock on the wall seemed to taunt me as the ticks feel like it's getting slower and slower I could comb my hair more. I stood still for a bit thinking over my choices. I could always get my things together now, but that would go against the schedule I have planned out and something could go wrong. I walked back over to the bathroom and grabbed the comb. The comb went through my hair smoothly with no trouble. How many times am I gonna be doing this.
As I combed my hair, I looked into the mirror taking in every detail of my face. Every color, every pimple, every eyelash, then I noticed something odd. One of my eyelashes dipped a little more down than the others, I should fix it. My hands came closer to my eye reaching for the small misplaced detail. Yet somehow this small detail made a difference. Just pull it out Kara, it's that simple. I took a hold of it and yanked it out. Feeling something other than frustration, relief. I check the time, 6:50 am.
I walk out of the bathroom making a mental list of things I need to get together before 7:10. I quickly walk around the house getting things for school one at a time. I fill up my hydro flask perfectly right before it reaches the top, my dogs are fed, I have everything I need for school. Everything is good right now, I'm perfectly on schedule. I feel like I can breathe, 7:09 with one minuet to spare.
I have no clue what the point is of this imaginary schedule I made up. I don't need to do it or anything, it's not that important. Maybe it calms my anxiety knowing that I don't need to worry about forgetting something or not having enough time. Somethings going off a schedule or a plan assured me nothing can go wrong, that I can't mess anything up. So I can say it definitely helps but it doesn't completely stop me from worrying if I missed anything.
I don't even know exactly where this whole planning everything out came from maybe a few weeks, months ago? I'm not sure but it does give me relief in what feels to be a chaotic life.
I wander the house turning off light and closing all doors that need to be closed. 7:12 am, three minutes before I leave. I walk around the house thinking if there's anything I could possibly be missing. I go back to make sure I locked my dogs crates. Then I go back to double check that they're locked so they can't get out. Better safe than sorry, don't want them destroying anything or getting seriously hurt.
7:13 am
I hum contently as I grab all my stuff and get ready to leave. Today has been a pretty productive morning if I do say so myself.
"Kara lets go, I need to drop off your sister too" my mother called out.
I walk over to the front door trailing behind my mom and sister. I close the door behind me and double check to make sure that I locked it, hopefully, today will be a good day.
