Learning to Love Again

OBLIVION

oblivion
/əˈblɪvɪən/
noun

1. the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening around one.
"they drank themselves into oblivion"

this is what it feels like to be so over-poweringly consumed by an emotion or feeling or situation. that's what it was like to be so consumed with someone who barely cared for your existence at all. my name is olivia martin. and this is what being in my life feels like.

saturday, june 23rd, 17:42. i was laying in my bed, surrounded by pillows and a soft comforter laying by my feet. the temperature of my room was almost unbearable and i could not stand to be surrounded in an area of my own sweat. i put a smaller sized pillow behind my head so that i can slouch my back to almost ascend, like a graph, going up all the way till my knees. i was reading one of my favourites, "call me by your name" by andre aciman.

in the book he talks about a forbidden summer love between the handsome oliver and the shy but filled with thoughts, elio. i was reading around page 141 where oliver teases elio with an intimate gesture and elio wonders if this is some sort of revenge, if he was doing it to play with his feelings or if he merely was being his usual self, doing things and then doing something else, excusing himself with a grand, "Later!". i was about to turn the page when my phone buzzed. in all lowercase letters i read the name "paul". paul was my boyfriend of 7 months at the time and it was about 1 week from our 8 month anniversary. i answered with great enthusiasm. "paul, hey, i was just thinking about you. wanna grab dinner later or something?" i asked, biting my lip in hopes of seeing him. my words were followed by a deep, uncomfortable silence as if some theif had stolen his phone and accidentally dialed my number. "paul?" i asked to break the silence. i heard a deep sigh and then the words that broke my heart into pieces: i slept with somebody else. i'm sorry but i can't do this anymore.

i can't say i didn't see it coming. i knew that one day my heart would get broken. but not by paul. sweet, innocent paul. paul was the guy that you could tell anything to and be yourself around. he was a good listener and very good at comforting. to hear those words come out of his mouth, it made me absolutely insane. how did he come to the realization that he no longer cared for me? when did he realize whatever worthless skank he cheated on me with, was worth ruining our relationship and ending it? i had so many questions but i was not in the right head space to ask those questions.