dead sunflower .

lost.

i've lost everything

i've lost them

i've lost you

i've lost everything but me, the only thing that i want to lose the most

do you know how sad is to be broken, hopeless and hoping to die?

it's been almost 5 years since they have discovered my disease. 5 fucking years of sadness, medication, psychologists, suicidal thoughts, suicidal letters, cuts on my body and i've been always the same. i'm not okay and i don't think that i will be.

depression hit me. depression found me. it found someone so disgusting, weak and lost. it found the perfect person to die, or commit suicide, but she can't do it. she's not brave enough, she's not strong enough to leave her family alone. she's not strong enough to listen to her thoughts and just do it. she's not strong enough to go to fucking hell and burn.

once i went to a friend's funeral and i was all the time wishing that it was me on the grave and not him, do you know why? because he commited suicide. he did what he told me he was going to do. he did what i was wishing to do. he did it because he had no one with him, no one to support him, no one to listen to him. And i always said "you can count on me, i will always be there for you"

BULLSHIT

i wasn't there, i left him. it was also my fault. i could've helped him, but i was to busy ignoring him. i was to busy thinking about me and my shitty problems, when the fucking problem was on him and his mind.

i didn't helped him and he died

he died.

i was supposed to be his friend but he...he died

he fucking died because of fucking me

today i'm writing this because i disappointed some friends of mine.

i wanted to smoke instead of cutting myself. they discovered that and got mad and worried at me. they said that i was about to fuck my health, like i didn't know that.

but you know what? i need to do it. i feel like i need to smoke because i feel that when i'll do that, i'll be more relaxed and calm

bullshit, again

i think that that is my best option, but it's not.

suicide isn't the answer, but it looks like that it is. our mind is something so tricky and harmful

why is everybody happy but me? why can't I be as happy as people are?

xx.