February 15:
Nobody told me it was going to be this difficult to be...
Alive. There's nothing that's okay.
I have loads of things that are good. I don't know how but I still have depression.
I hate my body. I hate my arms. I hate my shoulders. I hate my thighs, I hate me legs, I hate my acne, I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I HATE without any end and nothing gets better and I'll never be good at anything and I'll never have a requited love and I'll never be accepted.
And the only escape is sleep. Not a sweet dream kind, a forever and always no afterlife your soul is gone kind because I deserve nothing. If I go to hell I know I deserve it. There's nothing good with me. I am gay and I love girls and I can't accept it because if I do- I just- it will never be normal. And I'll never be happy. And this is how I feel.
And I want to end it. Right here right now grab my friends pills and overdose and die but I'm so scared.
I'm always to scared to reach for what I want. And it's holding me back. I can't be strong or bold. And what I really want is to die. You can't understand how I feel about myself dying. I yearn for it but I'm too scared to. What if I survive? Nobody will ever trust me with anything and I'll never have another chance to die.
My brain is rotten and moldy and worthless and broken and I am depressed. I'll never get help. I can never let a professional know or even my parents and I'll never have any fucking help.
I hurt myself because I fucking deserve it. I starve myself because I have to be perfect but I'll never be and I have no control and I am swirling into a spiral of fucking hating myself and being worthless and not doing anything right.
There's a word for realizing other people have just as complex a life as you do. And you are unimportant to everyone as they are the center of their own universe. And yes I have good friends but I can feel they hate me, because there is nothing to love and I wish I could just lock myself in a small, dark and cramped room and rot. Alone with my thoughts and my depression and my body and I wish I could DIE.
February 16: I don't want to eat. I don't have control over anything and if I can have complete control over that then I'd be happy. People always say things spiral out of control but did I ever even have control over anything I do? I can't change my personality, I can't change anything about myself and I have zero control. But I can control what I eat. I don't have control over my thoughts or emotions or mental health.
February 24:
I want my friends to read this and understand me but I hate the thought that this could take up a moment of their life and they would hate me somehow even more.
