It is true that I breathe, if only because you should also. And it is true no life is better than the one without you.
Each night that I wake and pray to rest sooner with you in my head to blind the terror. And so I rest with your picture in the hopes that we meet in a dream, a dream I'd wish never to wake from.
How scary it is, when I feel so deeply and have everything to lose. Because if I lost you, in any which way, just what would I do?
I survive going forward each day with the thought in my mind 'to have a chance...'.
To have a chance at the life I want so badly.
To be with who I love most.
Just a single second is worth more than a lifetime alone so long as that second is spent with you. No one interests me more. And I hate the mundane, I fantasize with Art, but even the most simple of things, if done with you, are worth more and feel the greatest. Even the idea of doing anything at all... there is no greater Art than Love. I do believe Love is something bigger than an emotion, something else entirely. But no one could ever love you more.
And it makes me insecure, desperate. I long so much that it physically pains me. And I get jealous, more than anyone. But I will try, and really do try, to better myself and be what you deserve most. Because you're worth more than life to me, and I hurt to never feel good enough.. in my eyes, your eyes or anyone else's. And I'm the most difficult person living, but to have the person I need? Would I not fight better? It makes me feel so alone. Comparing my life to everybody else's.. It's just not fair. And this is torture. But having an easy love, if it's not with you, then simply isn't worth it. You're the best.
No one should need anyone and a friend once told me not to rely on people, since they are temporary. But it is true that I need you. And what is done cannot be undone. People talk of first and last loves but I can't believe in such things. What is strong enough, doesn't break. Won't break. Love can come in many forms, as it is. But I know I want you. And I could have the money, lifestyle that I want.. be doing what I love, but if my life lacked your loving towards me then I'd just perish. As I do almost now.
I wish I could yell about it, I wish I could tell every person I came into contact with, just how much you mean to me... suppression is unhealthy. But how nice and happy you can make me feel, when all darkness consumes my soul. If I only had your hand to hold...
So I stick by believing and convincing myself: that love should prevail and find a way. And wait an eternity more if the Lord so sees it.
As I push through each day and try to hold on, protect yourself until I can save us both. And then you'll know.. How much you mean to me. I want to give you everything and more. This is just the way it is. Until I can tell you myself...
Dear Love of my Life.
