Boozed Blues

For all those years i don't think She realized, How deprived of love i became

Shame seemed to be my newly developing name

Her habits became a nightly routine

How did She get so mean?

Was it all true? Was it all my fault?  

Excuses one after another.  

After him, She was no longer my mother.

Looking after my brother, nine years later its still no use.

His abuse grabbed so tightly ahold of her

Drowning in a sea of anger

I can not blame her

But look at me

Im drowning in my own sea

The same sea you gave to me, from years of cryin

Mama i ain't lyin, im dyin’

These problems started consuming me, only at the age of seventeen

These doctors are telling me to let it be

But Childhood memories will forever be filled with tasteless bottles

Expectations to grow up to look like models

Mama i was never enough.

Every night i’d pray She’d come home, safe.

Every night i’d pray id get the call

Fall to the floor, begging for forgiveness

But never forgetting the words She cut into my skin.

Mama let that sink in.

i'm sick of these people thinkin’ they're clever

telling me “keep your head up, little girl”

While She keeps screaming at me “shut the fuck up, little girl”

But what's the point

No one would understand my viewpoint

Should i just stop this pain?

Colt 45 bullet straight to the brain

Refrain from remembering those days

all the nasty things She'd say

These are the nights i look back

Before things grew black

Back in the 5th grade

She’d braid my hair

We’d play every day

Back in our families prime

Now these days all i say is “im fine”

Bottled it up inside

Im hurting more than i show

I’ve grown into this person i no longer know

This smile

This laugh

Its fake, for fucks sake, someone read my eyes

Do i look like im tellin’ you lies?

I spent my childhood wanting to die

Cut so deeply into my thighs, i actually cried

Mom please, i tried.

I need my guide

Put down the flask

That’s all i ask

Take my hand

You don’t need a man

You don’t need the drinks

It hurts me more than you think

i love you mama

You’re above this, you go back to the old you.

We told you, you’d lost everything you had

Are you glad?

Are you mad?

Because i’m sad

sad that you’ve become this, you’re so above this.

Please change for the better

Listen to this letter

Learn from these mistakes

Earn back what you’ve lost

Come back as a mother for me and my brother

Your son and your daughter.