Godfather-Grethan

Chapter 15

He didn't feel like playing, wanted to spend his time with Grayson, the funeral was tomorrow and he really needed Ethan right now, whether he'd say it or not, he never would, Ethan knew, and felt the same

Grayson had his laptop on his stomach over the comforter they shared in bed, a movie played on Netflix in the dark, Ethan curled on his side, head lolled on Grays shoulder, fading in and out, head dipping down before popping right back up, the movie was interesting but his eyes ached to close

Grayson brought a hand up, smoothing through his hair with light scrapes of his fingers, Ethan's eyes closed the longer he was cherished, his breath ghosting over Grayson's collar bone

Grayson shuts his laptop, placing it on the bedside table, scooting down the bed coming face to face with Ethan, curling his arms around him, kissing his forehead goodnight

"love oo" Ethan mumbled sleepily, body shifting to come closer to Grayson's bare, warm chest, lips resting against the skin

"Love you too"

~•~

Suits ironed and worn now, the same ones from the last, Kate's funeral, it makes Ethan's heart ache at the thought, his moms gone and now he has to go to someone else's funeral, too much death too early

They drive to the funeral in silence, Grayson got a call early in the morning, Stacy's family arrived to the hotel late last night around midnight and were just calling to tell him, let him know they got there safely, dragging on that, the taxi ride and the trip, how nothing happened and how unfair it was that nothing happened to them but to Stacy it had, the call ended in tears

Ethan head was hung low once again, Grayson saw this and thought he looked worse than he himself, what Grayson didn't know was Ethan felt like Stacy's death was just as much his fault as it was the drunk drivers

If it wasn't for his stupid confirmation Kate wouldn't have had to drive to pick Stacy up, wouldn't have been driving back to the church, wouldn't have seen the green light and think it's ok to go, wouldn't be dead

He saw their death as his fault, he blamed everything on himself, thought of himself as just as terrible as the man who killed them, he was the messenger and the driver was the delivery

Now because of him he's put so many in a place none should be put in, the death of a loved one, it's heartbreaking, his fault, his responsibility, he killed his own mother, his godfathers wife, his cousins aunt, he hates himself

The funeral was like a copy paste of Kate's, there was crying, laughs, teary smiles from those heartfelt stories of long ago, her picture was beautiful, she looked so alive and happy, just like Kate's

Grayson talked with Stacy's family, apologizing and crying as he explained everything, Stacy's mother stopped him with a hug, telling him nothing was his fault, he didn't listen and kept mumbling how he was supposed to protect her, should have been there, should have picked her up instead, that it should have been him

That hurt Ethan, the thought of someone else dying, someone like Grayson, another so close, made him think of who else he might lose; Harry, Anne, Maria, even Zayn who's became pretty close of a friend by now

He didn't want to be here, the tie around his neck was suffocating, his clothes all too tight, constricting like a snake wrapped around his body, squeezing his final breaths before he too died

He curled two fingers around his tie, tearing it off, tux thrown off his shoulder, first three or so buttons on his white button up popped open, he sat on the sidewalk, face red, breath coming back to him, eyes stung as he dragged his hands down his face

Grayson saw Ethan push through two doors, more like burst through them, a hand curled around his neck? Dragging down repeatedly, over and over roughly

He followed quickly, afraid of what was happening

He lost him through the burgundy colored carpeted halls, dashing to the nearest exit he sees him sat on the curb, back throbbing back and forth with heavy breaths, he walks carefully to him, E's body slowing down as he caught his breath and calmed a little, those same thoughts still burning through his skull

"Hey" Grayson called before taking a seat beside him, voice worried and a bit to loud "you ok?"

Ethan hiccuped, hands cupped around his eyes to shield the view of his cries, he jumped to Grayson's chest, cries louder now as he said how sorry he was and how it was all his fault not Grayson's, not the drunk drivers but his

Grayson hugged him back, letting him vent everything out before stopping him with two hands on either side of his face, "nothings your fault, Ethan, no one blames you, no one hates you" Ethan tried to pry the hands away from his face, though soft and loving they burned with disappointment, for Ethan at least, he didn't want to look at Grayson or for him to be looking at him, wanted to hide back in the cave of his chest, limbs coming to enclose around him again

"I love you Ethan...Harry loves you, Anne, Maria, Niall, so many people love you E" Ethan's sobs calmed some, dulling down to silent tears streaming down his cheeks and over Grayson's pale hands

"I care so much about you Ethan and I want you to know Stacy and Kate's death weren't your fault, I don't blame you, never did and never would, neither does anyone else, you're hurting just as much as I am if more," hugging him close to his chest again, limbs closing around just how he likes it, how they both do, "please stop blaming yourself, I don't want you to hurt anymore than you need to" they sit there with each other, letting everything sink in

"I love you"

They get up with Ethan telling him he doesn't want him missing the reception, they leave and head back inside, going to the bathroom first as Grayson washes Ethan's face, ridding the stiff, clear-reflective streaks of left over salt water

They keep from talking about what happened outside, Grayson at least, Ethan feels like everything was shifting from picture to picture, view fading in and out as he stumbled mindlessly

Ethan sees his face in the mirror as the wet paper towel glides over the skin, eyes void of emotions, all feelings numbed right now as he stares blankly at himself, thinks back to his thoughts from before, maybe it wasn't his fault, not as much as he thought it to be at least , no matter how much he tries to forgive himself and get over it there'll always be that small part of him that blames at least a fraction of the incident on himself