To thou who shall not be named,
It has only been a day, but it's so difficult. Wasn't it supposed to be easy? That one last lunch and we won't meet, ever. But now I feel how stupid it was, the idea of lunch. It essentially ruined everything I had built. The friendship, the bond. Atleast I think I did. Maybe it was never there.
Most probably it was never there but my mind (see, I said mind not heart) refuses to accept that those vulnerable moments were nothing. When you had pushed down those walls, allowing me to see the real guy I couldn't help but fall in love with. Not the fictional version my mind created but the man who was hurt, the one who feels emotions just like rest of us mortal beings. The one who cares for people more than he shows. The one who is equally stupid and not just high and almighty.
I knew it was never going to work out between us. No matter how much I loved the idea of being with you, it was never practical. Even if I write the story on us, it will have the end I hate the most. Happily never after. Probably the one you will love.
There was that tiny hope. You know the way it is shown on TV or the crappy romantic books I read. That when it is wrong by all the senses but feels right, it usually is meant to be. And it always felt right. Not in overly sappy way. I swear there were no sparks or that breathlessness (not anymore, thank god) or awestruck foolishness. I wasn't speechless anymore. The conversations between us were not in my head anymore ( well not more than half). I could talk around you freely, act freely and be myself.
Don't you think that's more important. That you felt home. No more a reckless ride but the safe and peaceful sanctuary I always craved.
Obviously that peaceful sanctuary was just mine. It does hurt alot when the person you think you love does not feel the same way. But you can't force someone to love you. They say if you truly love someone, wish the best for them. I know, a total bullshit but yeah, sometimes you have to believe in bullshit.
So yes, here I am, wishing you the best of everything, all the happiness in world. May you get whatever you desire, even if that doesn't include me. Cause I know you deserve it.
I know you will never read this and I don't want you to. Afterall who would want to be the girl foolishly in love.
Maybe one day I will have the courage to tell you all the things I wanted to or maybe not. Maybe by that time I will move on, I so hope I will move on. When we will cross our paths again, both of us will be in place where there are no regrets, our happy place.
And even if I will be just a girl in your class who had a huge crush on you, you will be the most wonderful memory, something I will always cherish and next time, without tears.
Yours always,
With love and regards.
