"I Miss You"~ Jujustuck[[Davekat]]

1~ A Time To Remember

Scratch

One.

Tick

Tick

Tick

Four days....

Mark. Sigh. Imprint. Cry. Indent. Lie. Engrave. Die....

413 days - 9,912 hours - 594,720 minutes - 35,683,200 seconds

Every single moment filled with the same old, dull and dumb emotions. I'm numb now--immune to it all--dead to the world. Might as well be deaf and mute while I'm at it. I can't be saved, I refuse help. Not that anyone is giving any; they are all wasted like me or actually dead..or gone....

I was six solar sweeps of age when this started. And when It....happened, I was one and a half solar sweeps older. Now, I'm roughly a little over eight sweeps. In gross human terms, I am in the firsts dregs of an angsty emotional sixteen year old shit excuse for a cheap coffee. I believe the ratio is two human years are equivalent to one troll solar sweep, or at least that's what Dav--NO!...just..no..not now. 

A lot can happen in a year, a month, weeks, a few days, one hour. I'm not as "loquacious" anymore as Rose put it. I'm not as, "talkative" as Kanaya then explained it. With that, comes the lack of literal human furry animal wooden circle containers creatures--monkey barrel? The fuck Rose?-- strings of curse words that would leave my mouth, like how Da--STOP! If I even *think* the verb left, I will end myself. Plain and simple. Nothing special or fanciful like offing with a plant up my anus. 

When I do speak, and it's a rare occasion when I do, it's an abnormal quietness that even the lowest of whispers would be put to shame. I was becoming softer in a way with my language in general during the mid section of the second year on the Godforsaken hellhole-of-a-place-to-live Meteor. I guess that's what happens when you fall in love....

Forget the rambling and the tantrums and the fake leader bullshit. Forget my appearance because if I didn't care a year and 16ish days ago, I sure as HELL don't give any fucks now. The trade mark dinghy Dollar store bags I display under my eye sockets are somehow darker and saggier. My usually tangled hair is now longer and messier with no hope of redemption whatsoever. I made a habit of biting my nails after day one. Facial hair never grows so no worries there--as if I'd care if it did. My used to be resting angry-face-with-a-side-of-sass transformed to a depressing void of all feelings state (which accurately sums up how the rest of me feels). 

I don't remember the last time I showered, which doesn't bother me since I never really sweated or smelled overall beforehand, or at least I think. My every day attire has changed to his every day wear. The one thing that doesn't seem to sting relating to him. 

What even is food? If I eat it, which I can't ever recall, I just know it comes back up. 

Life flies by in a haze here on....wherever the fuck we are. I'm always in a daze, day dreaming because fuck the night with all the prickly, sandpapery cacti anyplace has to offer. The only reason I know what day it is, or how long it's been is the same reason that I keep going; keep living. No, it's not some bullcrap "hope" that's high on human crack. It's not some silly, pathetic dream based on failed desires. It is the one constant in my life--that I'm comfortable with--and its that calming tick tick tick, scratch scratch and mark. Every line I scrawl, with a small knife, into a wall next to an abandoned Can Village from a long forgotten voyage the brave canners took, I feel a fleeting moment of              something. Eventually, when I was far too lazy to move from one end of that same room to my precious defiled wall, I settled for something more..soft and squishy to tell the time past. Another constant in my life, I'm neutral on the matter for now but that is a sad story for another sad day. 

You know. He wouldn't be proud. He wouldn't think that's a good thing. How do you think he would react to this course of action? What do you think this would this do to D--I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU IRRITATING IGNORANT IDIOTIC POOR EXCUSE FOR A TROLL! A MOIRAIL. A LEADER! A FRIEND! a matesprite....

° Complete personality change? Check ✔

• Hearing a weird mix of my younger self's and his voice? Double Check ✔

° Anyone who gave a fuck also give up on everything? Hell Fucking Check ✔l

• Everyone practically high as all fuck all the time? You bet your Vantass of Karkats past its a Check ✔

° The four seasonally asswipes return?....

Cut

414 days.

~ ~ ~ ~

As I lay on the unforgiving metal floor of the only bearable room I can tolerate, I can't help but drift off to when It first happened--how I felt and how I*still* feel. 

Then suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, a dream bubble finds its way into my little hideyhole. It's not particularly big, more about the size of me curled up in a ball of his cape. I guess either the scene that this dream bubble will show is rather confined or the memory itself isn't that long. Wait, is that what a dream bubble even fucking is? I have seen timeline ones, where the dead hang out and more recently, memorabilia. You know what? I couldn't even give negative zero shits!!!! And I'm pretty sure that is a mathematical error, so suck on them ducks sick fucks. 

Back to the mysterious bubble. It shimmers and sparkles with a light I haven't seen in ages. I wonder if that means it belongs to him? I don't wanna get my hopes up though so I wait awhile as it just kinda floats above my head then over to my wall tracker. 

The color is a intriguing shade of red combined with a familiar hue of gray..almost like..my is cancer sweatshirt..my blood..and his eyes..

Curious more now than ever, I slowly stand up in his pair of old shoes that he discarded when he had Kanaya design a new set for Rose to alcamize. I pull his slightly baggy bright red and deep black jacket close around my body that is armored with him. I proudly wear his pony decorayed boxers without a hint of shame. My legs are clothed in a pair of his red broken record sweats while my upper body is clad in a designer shirt that Kanaya and Rose made specifically for the two of us. 

Snapping out of that random self description I seem to be doing lately, I cautiously proceed to the dream bubble that is currently at eye level and reaches to my knees. The bubble starts glowing a bit brighter in the red portions--as if it knows what I'm about to do and is beckoning me closer. 

I glance around the small chamber, one last time, before my sleep deprived eyes land on that one obsessive need. Sighing, I ponder what could lie ahead or if I'm ready to face whatever or more importantly whoever lives beyond. I miraculously push forward into the bubble; screwing my courage to the sticking place. 

I am briefly enveloped in a misty concoction of that red-gray color as it swims around me with a chilly peaceful breeze for mere seconds. As I step out to survey the scene I--

          "OH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!? "

______________________________________________

~~1269, I usually don't care about the number of words. But come on. 69 and 126? That's awesome. Anyway. I have big plans for this! Big plans. As always, I don't know when you will read this but feel free to comment about whatever. I willingly accept suggestions and grammar errors catches. Please enjoy and send some love my way and I send it all the rainbow🌈🌈🌈🌈~~

Spock out