November // n.h

xx.

Yet Mr. Hues carries on, “Can we have a walk? I’d prefer to talk to you in a quieter place.” And as he looks back up at me, all that I am able to do is nod, not a single emotion shown on my face. Mr. Hues takes a step to the side and as we begin to walk arm in arm, I can only wonder what I’m about to find out.

After so many months of wondering, staying up all night, not being able to eat for days just because I had no clue of what caused Danny’s death and as I am about to finally know the truth, something doesn’t feel right. I’m not sure, if I want to know how Danny died. Maybe not knowing, was less painful than the actual truth?

We walk towards the small park, just after the coffee shop and it isn’t long until I hear Mr. Hues speak, “It was only until a few months back, when we found out the actual cause of Danny’s death.”

He let’s out a deep sigh and for a moment, the both of us are silent. That is until more words are spoken by Danny’s father. “It was the machine’s fault, Eve. The machine was unfortunate as it turned out that the brakes weren’t working.” Mr. Hues looks at me and all that I can feel is the tears forming in my eyes.

For the past months, I have been blaming myself, and only myself for Danny’s death but it  turns out that it was the motorcycle’s fault too. That it wasn’t just me, being jealous, arguing with him until the both of us ended with tears in our eyes. The first tear rolls down my cheek as I understand that it was mostly my fault.

If I didn’t argue with Danny, if I wouldn’t have given him the jealous scene and made him as upset as I was after he walked out, slamming the doors behind – he might have still been alive. And maybe only when he’d get home, he would notice that there is something wrong with the brakes, instead of finding it on the road.

“Most likely,” Mr. Hues continues, breaking through my thoughts, “Danny found out about that and as he drove on the road, he started panicking and without noticing, he drove into a rock and under the impact his body lost control as the police officers found him lying under a tree, all of his bones broken and a cerebral haemorrhage.” Mr. Hues finishes, with tears streaming down his face but without his voice breaking.

For some ridiculous reason, I focus on Mr. Hues voice. At the moment, trying to figure out, how impossibly strong this man is, was the easiest thing that could ever be done. As long as his past was known to one. Danny has told me many things about his father, one of those being his past and I am in nothing but awe towards this one particular man and as I have never seen him cry before, it took his son’s death to make him let out all the tears that he has held back. But who could blame him?

And as that thought of Danny’s death comes into my mind, I can feel tears, flooding into my eyes and this pain, begins striking right into my chest. So suddenly and harshly that I am unable to hold the voice inside, trying to break through and let all of the pain out with silent screams. My legs start to fail me and as I fall to the ground, I forget the world surrounding me and for a moment it feels like Danny is right beside me; telling me that I’ll be fine, that I need to be fine just for him.

After such a long time, the thought of Danny not coming back has finally gotten into my mind and nothing has ever hurt me as much as the thought of that. Nothing has ever made me feel so lost and alone as realising that Danny has died.

And as I can hear Mr. Hues kneeling down next to me, placing his hand on my back reassuringly, he whispers, “Danny loved you the most, Eve.” I feel more tears forming in my eyes and as I close them, preventing the tears from falling, Mr. Hues continues, “You know how I know that? He wouldn’t stop talking about you.”

Another pause forms in between the sentences and I look up into the man’s eyes.

They reminded me of Danny’s eyes. His father has those deep, green eyes that can hammer right into your soul unwillingly and change you into a whole new person. A better person. Danny’s eyes had the same effect on whoever looked into his eyes.

“One time,” Mr. Hues starts, helping me up and leading me to a bench, “whilst we were sitting in the living room, he told us that if you ever stopped loving him, he would let you go, as long as you’ll be happy with whoever you’ll chose.”

And as those words hit my brain, I look up at the man sitting beside me. The man who lost his son but is still trying to help out his son’s girlfriend. He is trying to help me move on, but not leave the memory behind. Just as he did.

I’m not sure, how Danny’s mum is doing, I haven’t seen her in a very long time, yet all that I know is that Mr. Hues is trying to go back into his normal life, almost as if Danny was still alive. He is doing what Danny would’ve wanted. He would’ve wanted all of his close ones to live as if nothing had happened and he was still with us.

Then it hits me. Mr. Hues knows about the rumours. He knows that Niall has kissed me because in Old Grimsby rumours spread faster than a virus ever would. More over, as I looked into his eyes, he did not seem to mind the fact that I’ve been kissed by a different guy.

And suddenly I feel the temperature rise inside of me once more as I tell him, “Danny will forever be in my mind. I’ll love him ‘till the end, sir.”

He smiles at me gently, and after a moment, he pulls me into a tight, reassuring hug and as we sit like that in silence, all that I am able to feel is pain. The fact that Danny’s motorcycle had faulty brakes shocked me, but also the fact that Mr. Hues didn’t seem to see me at fault was scary.

And then it hits me, Danny’s parents haven’t got a clue about the argument we both had, just before the accident. They haven’t got an idea that I feel horrible because of the way I’ve said goodbye to him, without even knowing it. And the weight of our goodbye is killing me slowly. I love Danny to the deepest part of my heart, yet we said our ‘goodbye’ in such a way.

As the thought of me being the reason for Danny’s death comes into my mind, Mr. Hues pulls away and smiles at me reassuringly. He then states, “Eve, let yourself love someone else, again. Danny would’ve wanted that.”