Lost

Okay so here goes nothing. You probably need a background story so you know what's going on.

Me and this guy were together we got together on September 1 2018 we dated in the past like 6 years ago broke up because I lied. Anyways we just recently broke up again and we're just friends but it doesn't feel like it it feels like way more. He says he doesn't know what he wants. There's other people he's talking to. I've been at his house for the last 2 weekends. Is he sending me mix signals? Am I reading him wrong? I'm not even sure. I love this guy will all my heart. Who the fuck do you want what the fuck do you want! I'm so lost in thought I'm tired of being a side person. I feel like a side person. A person he's gonna go to when or if the other thing doesn't work out. So what am I suppose to do? Sit here waiting for him to make up his mind? How did we get here? Things seemed to be moving forward and now, nothing. We started out as just friends like you said, but I couldn't help but fall for you. You were (and still are) perfect in every way. From the moment I met you, something just clicked. Was it your flawless hair or incredibly good looks? I'm not sure and I can't seem to place a finger on it. You just had everything I wanted in a person and I hoped you felt the same way too. It seemed impossible for there to be only friendship in our cards after the way we connected. I felt it every time our eyes met and I know you did too.  You were supposed to be my chance at love. I wanted you to want me more than anything in my precious little world. The more we talked, the stronger my feelings grew. The way I felt about you just wasn't enough, nothing I did made a difference. I cried over you, which was a big deal. Knowing you would never see me as more than a friend felt like you were ripping my heart from my chest. It crushes my soul to know you still matter to me, yet I feel like I mean nothing to you. I can't tell you how many nights I stayed awake lost in thoughts of you. Do you know how exhausting it is to constantly overthink the simplest of things? I hope you never know that feeling. A simple "hey" or innocently used emoji prompted an analysis that would put the CIA to shame. You flirted with me when you were bored and called me babe for no reason, and the worst part is I don't blame you, even though I wish I could. From the start you said we could continue being  friends I hope you can understand that no, I don't want to be just your friend. I want more, but at the same time, I just want it all to stop. You don't get to flirt with me then laugh at me when I presume it means something more. Stop making me feel special when you don't even mean it. I know one day you will care about someone the way I do about you and for your sanity, I wish that she loves you back. Until then, goodbye, because I am done being tortured by you.